getting my dd to stop doing certain things!

[madame]

Grrrrrrr.......

Help, please.........I have one dd 21 months and she is becoming quite strong willed and my way of disipline at the mioment doesn't seem to work when I want her to stop doing something. For example she is repeatedly pulling flowers of in the garden, not a big deal I know but I feel she should respect certain things and she has to know there are boundries. I have repeatedly sat down with her and explained why I don't want her to do it in a calm manner. She seems to think it's a game and does it all the more. I give her 2 warnings and then on the 3rd I put her on the naughty step and explain why I have put her there. She seems to also think this is a joke.... and keeps trying to move off. I follow it through and if she stays on it for more than 15 seconds then I go to her and expain why I put her there and ask her to say sorry. Its not working, today she went on it twice and still went back and did it .
Its terribly frustrating as there are things I need to know she will not do if I ask her. Please help with any suggestions on what else I can do....

21 months is very young for this sort of discipline. She simply isn't capable of understanding what you're telling her.

The very concept of being and saying sorry is not within her grasp at the moment, (and won't be for a few more years yet). Her brain is not wired up for it.

My ds was doing far worse things at that age. You should try to relax and enjoy your little girl. The flowers are not important.

I'm afraid she's too little for discipline - she can't understand. And drawing attention to particular behaviours really only makes them more appealing. Try distracting her to some other activity or, if it's safe and not too destructive to do so, just ignore it. Easy to say, I know.......

I didn't realise she was too young....but she really doesn't seems to understand you are right. By ignoring things am I not then letting her do as she pleases and when it comes to say putting stones in her mouth for example she is at danger. I am a bit of a contol freak but I guess I am frightened of her becoming a bit spoilt or a madame because she isn't being told no.

madame, if her behaviour (which is very normal) is bothering you, it might be wise to get a book about older babies/toddlers.

It might help you to understand their brain development, and help you to realize that at this age, your self-admitted 'control freakery' just isn't going to work!

do you have any suggestions of any good books

Very few things are actually dangerous! Those that are remove her from - saying "no" firmly if that makes you feel better. Everything else, try and relax about. Honestly, you're not training her to be a madam - you're giving her a safe happy envonment to develop and grow and experiment it. Before you know it, she'll be old enough to understand and you'll be glad that you used this time just to be happy together. You'll have made a strong loving bond and "discipline' will come naturally as she grows.

She definitely won't understand the danger bit.

DS is 2 and understands 'hot' because he has burnt his hand/mouth (not badly). So if we say something is hot, he will leave it alone.

But he hasn't experienced other dangers - like choking on stones or getting electrocuted etc, so even though we say 'No', he doesn't really get it. Hence the socket covers, pulling things out of his mouth etc etc...

They also have pretty short attention spans.

I found with my dss that if they were doing something I didn't want them to it worked to say very firmly "no, don't do that" and remove them from wherever they were. Just be very consistent - it can get tiring and boring - but this method really worked when they tried to open kitchen cupboards and hence I never had to put locks etc on.

No suggestions off the top of my head, madame.

Hopefully someone may come on the thread with a definitive book.

Waterstones generally carry three or four on the subject, so it could be worthwhile having a browse next time you're in town.

Whilst all children are individuals, there are certain stages of brain development that are fairly standard. A good book might help you to find the right mix of discipline and encouragement that she will need as she gets a little older.

But I would certainly agree that there's nothing wrong with a quiet, firm 'No' whenever you see her doing something dangerous.

Thanks everyone, good sound advice. I have taken it on board and will shelve the naughty step for at least a year. It didn't feel right anyway and only wound me up....

Does anyone have any ideas on good books for me to read about brain development.

I'll keep bumping, madame

where would I be without mums net....I feel so much better after coming on here

Hi Madame

I am really paranoid about ds (almost 2) becoming spoilt and am a bit of a control freak too. I have to remind myself that he IS only two and I just can't expect him to be well behaved/ quiet etc all the time! It is part of their development to do stuff that appears naughty to us.

When he does something dangerous I say 'danger, no' and look very serious so that it is clear it is something important (hopefully) and not just a behaviour thing. If it is something I don't want him to do I just consistently stick with saying 'no, we don't do that' or because he idolises daddy, I say 'daddy doesn't do that' etc

And as others have said and you, the more of a big deal I make about saying no, the more it seems to turn into a game for him so he grins and does it again. Hence not making a massive issue of things unless it is something dangerous.

boo64

what do you do if your ds just laughs when you say no, for example would you move plants out of his reach or take him inside if he kept putting stones in his mouth

I don't know that I have this solved either but I usually move him away saying no more firmly. Distraction sometimes works depending on how determined he is.

I figure that most stuff like this is a phase he will grow out of and that he will stop doing it in time anyway or else if he hasn't I will then be able to reason with him more.

One of ds's little issues is standing on the sofa grinning even when I tell him not to. If he does this I threaten to turn the TV/music off or similar and when he does sit down I heap praise on him and say 'oh you are like daddy, he sits nicely on the sofa etc'

I am learning though to try and relax a bit with him as we definitely get into a vicous circle if I try and control his behaviour too much!

Also dh and I make games out of as many things as possible and keep the mood fun.

Not sure that I am being much help.

I think distraction is your biggest tool. If a child is putting stones in their mouth then it's a case of saying "No" and moving her away from them STRAIGHT onto another activity that she can do safely. Most kids can't resist bouncing so a little trampoline in the garden may help, also a little gardening set so that she can rake the stones instead of eating them, that sort of thing....just get her straight on to other things.

I definitely agree that focussing on things like this just turns it into a game for the child. You're far better spending FUN time with her instead of long chats about danger and visits to the naughty step (glad you've decided to bin it, even as she gets older you won't need it if you keep lots of distraction going, and lots of positive down on the floor play with her!)

My ds has never actually been formally disciplined because I've used other strategies. I have put him in his room alone a handful of times but as genuine 'time out' rather than punishment. He's five soon and to re-assure you, he's not a brat, his school report made special mention of his impeccable manners and behaviour!

I'm sorry, I don't know of any specific books on brain development but I firmly believe that if you have a huge capacity for ignoring what you can, distracting, actively playing and simply trusting your child that all they want is to play, then I'm sure things will be fine.

blimey. I don't want to sound as smug as that last post may have done....

I have had my bad days with ds of course and he's no angel, I just mean that shifting the focus from the bad stuff to stuff they CAN do, without it being seen as anything needing discipline, has been what has worked so well for us and I really think ds and I are the closer for it.

The trouble with books is that they are all written from the writer's point of view - if you see what I mean! I think the trick is to find a writer you agree with! My ideal is to be a very relaxed mother (haven't achieved it yet!) and I found that books by Deborah Jackson, Penelope Leach and Libby Purves, to name three, chimed well with how I wanted to be. Libby Purves is so funny and easy to read - I really recommend her. How Not to be an Perfect Mother is my favourite. (She also writes brilliant holiday-type novels) Deborah Jackson is on the extreme end of relaxed parenting. Penelope Leach is just so sane and calm and child-centered, I would like her to be my mum. None of them are new, so they should all be in the library - have a browse while DD is failing to listen to a story one afternoon!

Quite agree with posters who say that your DD is too young for this approach. You cannot reason with a 21 month old child - her brain area for reasoning is still far from developed enough for her to understand. Your tactics cannot and will not work.

Distraction is good at this age and, if this fails, remove her.

My daughter (2.7) is beginning to understand threats, bribery and punishment... "We can't go to the playground unless you let me brush your hair" sort of thing.

Childproof for the dangerous stuff. Otherwise, better to relax and enjoy your time with dd at this age. Exploring is a big part of her development.

She will test you even more as she gets older, and in more sophisticated ways. I prefer to choose my battles.

Oh blimey pls ignore my advice as ds had the naughtiest day today !! totally turned everything into a game e.g. standing on the sofa again and again, drinking the bath water etc etc yikes

madame I do think your dd is too young for this sort of discipline. My dd1 26 months also laughs in my face when I tell her not to do things. Distraction that's the key, give her something more interesting to do instead - point to the sky, look for birds, planes, give her a ball to play with, anything. It might seem like giving in but at this age I really think making an issue of something just leads to endless frustration which really doesn't help. When she's a bit older she will understand that flowers are pretty and much nicer left where they are for everyone to enjoy Save the naughty step for when you really need it!

A good book, if its not already been said is "What to Expect, The Toddler Years". It doesn't explain brain development but it details what kind of behaviour you can expect at each stage. this is it

One of the best things, at this age is distraction i.e. "no sweetheart, not the flowers, come and look at ........"