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My once lovely 4 year keeps hurting other children

9 replies

raspberryjo · 20/09/2018 16:35

As the title says. Dd started school around 3 weeks ago, started off brilliant. Having been to nursery since 1 (3 days per week) she adjusted well. Always said how much she loved it. We've had the usual tired tantrums from starting school but nothing shocking. Then couple of days ago pulled aside by a teacher who told me she hit a child so hard on the face she left a big red mark. She was NEVER like this at nursery. Never. Told her how upset I was that she hurt another child and how bad it is, she knows this anyway but I still went through it all, she went to bed with no story. Today, pulled aside again, she's thrown a toy and hurt a child lip AND scratched another child. What has happened?? I got into the car and cried. She's not like this at all, very normal home life. One year old little brother, not with the father but lovely relationship with step dad and good relationship with her own dad. So what could possibly cause this? She knows the consequences and knows how it hurts them. She's otherwise so lovely.

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raspberryjo · 20/09/2018 17:14

Any help appreciated x

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AWoll83 · 20/09/2018 18:05

I was literally about to start a thread on the same topic when I came across yours. My son has just started school in reception and this is his first full week. Today I had a call from his teach saying that his behaviour has been getting increasingly worse throughout the week: He's been hitting others, intentionally breaking other children's artwork, throwing toys in the bin and generally not listening to the teachers (her words "it's getting out of control"). Within just a few days it's gotten so bad that the teacher is sending a written warning and wants a meeting.

I am mortified as this is completely out of character! Sure, we had the occasional incident at nursery - but never to this extent and frequency. He's normally a really well behaved boy who - while there are naturally episodes of poor listening - is generally doing what he is told. We never have (or had) any serious issues with hitting others or breaking things so I have no idea where this is coming from. We are not seeing any of this behaviour at home where he's a really good kid (while the teacher probably thinks we've done a bad job at parenting as she's only ever known him to be misbehaving).

It can't be tiredness as he's been doing full time, 8am till 6.30pm nursery since the age of 1yo as both, my husband and I work full time. And it can't be that he doesn't like school or the other children as he's always telling us how much he enjoys school. I can only assume it's the excitement of starting school and change of environment but it's obviously not an excuse and I can't just let it go.

I have no idea what to do or how to discipline him. Things like no TV or even naughty step have worked in the past but more recently he'd just accept them and not be particularly upset about it. And having a "serious chat" doesn't work either as he just says "I'm sorry I won't do it again" and then does it again.

I don't have an answer for you but keen to follow this thread in the hope that other people with similar experiences in the past can advise!

AWoll83 · 20/09/2018 18:07

P.S. I tried finding another posts or articles on this issue online - it seems this "split personality" is quite common, but usually the other way around: saving the good behaviour for school and acting out at home...

raspberryjo · 20/09/2018 18:44

Yes we are exactly the same! She says sorry she won't do it again then does. It's exhausting. As you said, have looked online and found nothing else. I just don't get it. She says she loves school. I even said 'is someone being mean?' And her response was 'no I am being mean' so she knows exactly what she's doing and knows how it makes others feel. Just at my wits end! Let me know if you find the answer!

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PureColdWind · 20/09/2018 21:43

Something similar happened with my son and he was diagnosed with autism in his first year at school. It hadn’t really been obvious until he was in a formal achool environment and just couldn’t manage it the way the other children did. He is doing very well now, age 9, with support.

On the otherhand, I know several other children who had similar behaviours who just took a bit of time to settle into school and had no ‘issues’ going on.

MumUnderTheMoon · 21/09/2018 00:16

It could just be that she is overwhelmed class sizes are probably bigger, it's 5 days instead of the previous 3. The other kids are new and she's now the littlest fish in the big pond as it where. Agree some discipline and rewards with the teacher which you can carry on at home. Some kids in my dds school get stars throughout the week and take them home to show their parents maybe this could help and she could get a little reward for doing well?

raspberryjo · 21/09/2018 12:44

I do reward her when she does well. I'm just generally baffled. I had considered that she may be on the spectrum, but only a few factors. Who knows, just dreading 3:30 when they say 'can we have a word?'

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cosytidy · 09/10/2018 15:56

Just saw this thread as having similar problems with my 3.5yo since he started nursery school, having been ok in previous childcare places. My son has been referred to SENCo!
How have pps found things since?

raspberryjo · 09/10/2018 18:17

Hi! Happened 3 times in total, and every time I just took away another privilege. E.g. bedtime story, or tea time that she was supposed to be having at grandmas. And within a week it stopped, even got star of the week last week! I think it was just new place problems, starting somewhere new and big is scary for little ones we underestimate how hard it is to adjust!

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