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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

ds (almost 3), bit two children at nursery yesteday :( any advice/hope...? (*a bit long..sorry!)

21 replies

americantrish · 08/06/2007 09:00

ds, who's 3 in a few weeks, bit two children at nursery yesterday. from what i gathered from what they told me, it wasn't because of a disagreement over a toy/etc. he just went up to the two children (different children, at 2 different times) and bit them. left marks, didn't draw blood.

as probably any mother in this position of being told this, i was mortified. the nursery workers took ds aside, explained that biting is wrong, it hurts and we dont bite. he was asked to apologise (which he did even though he doesnt say 'sorry' very clearly yet.)

he's been bitey to me and dh in the past. we've put him in his room, ignored it, etc. he seems to do it 'for a laugh'. although i think he may be seeing how much he can get away with it. he tried to nip me this morning on the arm and i told him firmly and calmly that biting isn't nice, etc. etc.
(but i have to be honest, i'm worried i'm being too 'soft' :I) but i also worry if i react TOO much, he will continue to try to bite.

i spoke to the nursery people again this morning and the one worker assured me it is normal in children. (ds speaks well, but not as clearly as many 3 year olds, he is getting better though!) and it may be not only to see if he can do it and get away with it, but also because he cannot properly communicate what he wants and biting is a way he can do that. (i HATE thinking even for a second that he bit because he liked the other childrens reaction, which was no doubt crying )

(or could it be that ds is sensing stress at home with me and dh?)

sigh.... i'm sitting here worried now that while he's at nursery this morning, he's going to bite again

any words of advice/hope/reassurance, anything? (just please dont damn my little biting son!)

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juuule · 08/06/2007 09:10

As long as you are telling him it's not nice then it will pass. It is a phase that some children go through. Hopefully, with you and the nursery letting your ds know it's not something people do then it will be a short phase. Don't worry too much. It doesn't mean he's going to turn into Hannibal Lecter

BrothelSprouts · 08/06/2007 09:13

It's awful for the biter and the bitten, isn't it?
Perhaps you could have a talk with him and tell him to try and use words to explain himself, rather than using biting?
And obviously tell him it is naughty to bite.
But it is normal in young children, and it will pass.

NoodleStroodle · 08/06/2007 09:14

It is normal. DS would plunge teeth into his best friend with alarming regularity but then it stopped. It's a phase like alot of things at that age - make sure he knows it is unacceptable.

nogoes · 08/06/2007 09:15

I am sure it is frustration because of his language skills and will stop once his speech comes on. I know a few children who would hit and bite they were not aggressive children but were having a few problems with their communication skills and sometimes would do it just to get the other childs attention. I am sure that as his communication skills improve he will stop the biting.

Original poster

americantrish · 08/06/2007 09:19

i thought about maybe even making up a little story about not biting and having him help me with the pictures. i dont know. trying not to stress too much. :I

i know me and dh HAVE to be consistent about how we deal with it. & i'm trying to encourage ds to ask for things at home, even if its something small like a toy on a shelf he cant reach or a dvd he would like to put on.

thanks ladies.. .. the nursery did reassure me that he wouldn't be thrown out for it.

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boomie · 08/06/2007 09:38

I completely understand where you are coming from. DD1 bit 3 children at nursery on 3 separate occasions when she was exactly the same age as your DS. Once was completely unprovoked - she just walked up to another little girl and bit her. The nursery dealt with it very well by removing her from the situation and thinking about what she had done. She was also made to apologise. As a Mum I was mortified that my little girl could do this. In fact I was in tears.

However, all I can say is that it is just a phase and my DD is now 5 years old and is the sweetest, kindest and thoughtful little girl to others. It is hard to imagine that she ever did such a thing.

DD2 who is 3 in July is also going through a bit of a biting phase too. She has bit DD1 a few times and to be honest I am dreading her starting nursery in September as I don't want her to bite any other children!! However, as I said it is just a phase and as long as whoever sees the incident deals with it appropriately, it will soon pass - Good Luck

Original poster

americantrish · 08/06/2007 09:44

thank you it's nice to hear from other moms with children who have bit and grown out of it. i, too, wanted to cry when they told me yesterday :I

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HonoriaGlossop · 08/06/2007 10:15

Please don't feel there is anything unusual about your son doing this! Children of this age, when mixing at nursery, are just going to do this sometimes.

it's just part of the nursery environment and of mixing children together at this young age. I'm sure it's happened since the dawn of time but it's a tad more 'public' now that many kids spend their days at nursery! Much less embarrassing and probably seems less 'serious' if it happens at home.

It is being dealt with appropriately here, so I think as others have said, it's just a phase, don't worry.

KTeePee · 08/06/2007 10:25

My ds (3.3) also went through a biting stage recently....

As he is a bit older and can speak well I felt I could come down hard on him....

When he started doing it at playgroup too, I agreed with his keyworker that if he did it again she would phone me to take him home as a punishment - the threat of this seems to have worked and fingers crossed he hasn't done it again....

Just keep telling yourself, it's a phase, it's a phase! (And hope that Kerrymum doesn't see this thread!)

Original poster

americantrish · 08/06/2007 12:11

KTeePee> i've thought of that if it becomes a real issue, taking him out early if needbe. i'd hate the idea of doing that though. i just hope today went well. i am working hard now to help his speech and am looking online for even more ways to help him along...

(he did see a speech therapist a bit ago and she said as long as he keeps talking, saying new words, stringing words, etc. not to worry, and he's doing all those things more and more daily...)

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nattyp · 08/06/2007 12:14

my two year old twins used to bite, i read up loads on it and it is fundamentaly linked to attention seeking. So it sounds weird but dont make a huge fuss when they do it, tell him its unacceptable and then implement the naughty step or something similar so you actually remove him from the room for a minute

mumoftwoangels · 08/06/2007 12:20

Don't panic!! When about 2yrs my dd1 i collected my dd1 from creche, only to be told that she had been bitten, drawn blood teeth marks still there bitten!! I was horrified and went into overdrive. I asked all sorts of questions, who what why, then what did you tell the offenders parents? I was told that it happened so often that they didn't usually tell the parents of the child doing the biting until they did it a few times!! This did nothing to calm me down. I was in heavily protective, heavly pregnant mother mode!! I said that if my dd1 ever bite someone i wanted to be told on the first occasion before it became a habit!

A few weeks passed, then one day i collected her! I was called aside, she had bitten 3 other children that morning!! I was mortified. I am glad to say it was a short phase!

My HV told be that it was soemthing the cleverest children did out of frustration!

I was happy to take biting as a sign of intellegence.

Original poster

americantrish · 08/06/2007 12:24

its definitely hard NOT to react, but i think it's the only way to stop him. and i'm making sure i remind myself to give him positive praise. we do the 'take him to another room' and that seems to work sometimes...

almost time to go pick him up...holds breath

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Original poster

americantrish · 08/06/2007 12:27

mumoftwoangels> i wonder now if there's been any other biting going on there... but still, ds has been nippy at home, so even if he saw another kid bite....(i hope he doesn't encourage other kids to bite!)

i was a biter. i wonder if its hereditery :I

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slalomsuki · 08/06/2007 12:32

I am the mother of an ex biter

ds2 did it about the same age and to other children in the nursery. I was mortified but cam to realise it was actually normal for a child to do this and I am sure the nursery staff have seen it before.

Aslong as he isn'y doing it multiple times a day and only does it at points where he cannot express himself then it can be dealt with. ds2 used to bite his brother but westarted to see the signs and would jump in before hand and as he developed we could stop him biting with a simple "no biting2 and he would do something else.

The funniest thing was when ds1 wagged his finger at ds2 like I must do and ds2 closed his teeth around it. It made me think of my behaviour. ds2 is 4 now and doesn't bite but has many other strategies now some of which are very clever

DeJager · 08/06/2007 12:37

hi there, it's ok - i think most of us have gone thru this. My son was a biter, but he outgrew it. Not much you can do cause you at work, but I asked the nursery staff to shadow my son for a day or two which they did, and it managed to catch him in the act and put a stop to it before any damage was done. He's a good boy, just had his moments like we all do

Little people just do what we wish we could do!!! lol
I want to hit my boss on most days...lol.

marie
x x x

Original poster

americantrish · 08/06/2007 13:29

well, picked him up and he bit a little boy on the stomach today. i should have asked what the circumstances were around this. i think i was feeling so sh*t again because of this, i didnt say too much
he did apologise and petted the other little boy tummy. if it continues i will ask the nursery if he can be shadowed as DeJager said (and hope they can do it). my HV assured me today too that it is most likely because he is unable now to express himself with words.

i'm trying not to dwell on it....

OP posts:

DeJager · 08/06/2007 13:37

you not a bad mum!!! don't worry about it

juuule · 08/06/2007 13:40

I like Kteepee idea of someone ringing and taking him home.

Original poster

americantrish · 08/06/2007 13:44

thanks Dejager

i have to admit, i like that idea too. although i think dh will be slightly less keen (as still have to pay for full session). i'm going to see how the next week goes. (he only goes 3 sessions a week.) :I

(he's tried to bite me twice since being home. i've just done what i said below.)

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Original poster

americantrish · 11/06/2007 11:21

he's been better with the trying to bite dh and me over the weekend, we foudn a good book on amazon about teaching toddlers about not biting that i'm going to order.

but he's got nursery today and as on friday, i'm nervous about him biting again. should i ask the nursery to call me if he does? i am getting worried (probably more than i need to be) that the nursery will think i'm doing nothing at home to stop the biting if he continues to do it there....

sigh!

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