being a two year old

[Kathmary]

I've just looked at KMG's message from a while ago and it really struck a chord with me! My daughter is a bit of an emotional terrorist (she's nearly 5) but has always been pretty easy going, great with social skills and not at all agressive. My lovely son is nearly 3 and has all the social graces of a caveman - hitting other kids on the head, getting really cross with his sister and mum and dad - and lately throwing himself onto the floor at very regular intervals in a fit of rage. He is SO different from my daughter and like KMG I have basked in my own (yes lets admit it slight smugness) reflected parental glory - it is not nearly so easy with Tom and at crunch times like morning and pre-bed he can be so stroppy and hard to negotiate with. We keep hanging in there, but it isn't easy!

if it's any consolation to any of you - which it won't be when you're heaed to head but might be when they're angelically sleeping - in a few years you will read other people's messages and feel nostalgic - honest!

having said that i wouldn't have a 2-yr-old now if you paid me large amounts of cash money but i still have sweet memories and enjoy all these stories!

incidentally...as far as dealing with negativity etc is concerned - i know a child of 8 whose mother has always obeyed his instructions and he is a royal pain. seeing his face when he whines "i don't want to do this" and you say "ok, don't then" rather then "what would mummy's precious baby rather do instead?" justifies any amount of early confrontations!

hmonty - my 2 daughters were just like your first 2 but are 3 years apart. first was an angel - second was a monster. our HV's abiding memory of fran is a scowl!!!

My 21/2 year old loves jigsaws and shape sorters and Tots TV, Barney and Sooty videos. She likes a bag to hang from her dolly pushchair which she fills as she goes along. All missing items will be found in the bag!

She also likes to add extra clothes to whatever she's wearing or to just strip off and put on the pants or whatever she's found instead.

My make up is a firm favourite and I've been caught out too many times with her big black spider eyes and lipstick from cheeks to chin. Lovely lilac nail varnish on the whole foot and hand and on the new poncho (now in the bin).

This may seem like an odd question but I wonder if it is possible for your child to be too passive? I am always seeing postings about children biting/hiting and generally being aggresive but what about if your child never does these things? Or am I just worrying about nothing and should count myself lucky?

My son is 28 months and seems totally normal, he is extremely lively and boisterous and did go through a phase of hiting me as a result of toddler tantrums but he's never bitten me. Also he never touches other kids. I often see him being shoved by kids at playgroup or even hit quite hard. Sometimes a child will take a toy from him and he just sort of looks at them as if to say "well I didn't really want it anyway" - he doesn't cry unless he is hit quite hard so it's not as if he is being a softy. He is not at all clingy and is quite independent and will play on his own. He was hit quite hard today by a little brat at playgroup who is known for it - should I encourage him to stand up for himself or just accept that there is people like this and their is no point in him lowering himself to their level?

I know also that bullying can be a result of insecurity so perhaps my son is actually showing himself as being a secure person. It just seems strange as all my friends kids do seem to show a competitive/possesive streak whether they are girls or boys.

Eulalia,no great answers, just empathy from me! my son at 28 months was exactly as you describe. He is now 33 months and for the past two has shown much more typical delightful toddler behaviour, such as hitting me or his dad , fighting for toys and thumping his baby sister...Enjoy those passive days, they may not last much longer!

Eulalia, I don't think you need to worry about a thing with your little boy. He sounds gorgeous! Out of my four only one of them ever bit and that was confined to the family. None of them ever fought, except with siblings, and even then, it wasn't often. They all tend to be verbal in character, rather than physical. I have to say, though, that I do think children are more aggressive today than when my older two were toddlers.

I don't think you should have to get your little one to stand up for himself at playgroup. They should have strategies in place to deal with aggressive children.

My son has never hit or bitten others either, Eulalia - there are plenty of these more gentle toddlers around, you just hear less about them. Parents tend to worry/talk more about aggressive behaviour in their own/other toddlers, I guess. Your little fellow sounds great and quite a philosopher for his age - my son is certainly possessive about his toys, but only with visiting adults! He shares quite well with other children, at home or in nursery. All his little NCT Group friends are also OK on these fronts, despite being very different characters and having quite different home routines (nanny, SAHM, SAHD and nursery). At his other postnatal group, only one of the children has turned into a stereotypical "monster" toddler, out of six. Several of the boys especially are extremely gentle. So rejoice that yours is one of the silent majority and that you are not one of the unlucky mums of a mini-tornado.

Eulalia, I wouldn't worry. It sounds like your child is well behaved and I wouldn't knock it!

Totally agree, Eulalia, your son sounds fine. But I feel it's quite unfair when you describe the "little brat" that hit him in the playgroup and that he shouldn't be "lowering himself to their level" - we all know that toddlers can be feisty/aggressive even, but I think we all owe it to them to be understanding that they are toddlers and these are stages that they are going through. My daughter was exactly like this, (she's now a lovely, kind 5 year old) and it breaks my heart to think of other mothers in the nursery thinking that she was a nasty little brat.

Thanks for your comments, I guess I've got nothing to worry about. Sherrie - I couldn't help saying brat - there is something pre-meditated about this child and he is the ONLY one like this out of 50 kids. It isn't the normal rough and tumble during the course of arguing over a toy for example, he just pinpoints someone who may even have their back to him and wallops them. I do feel sorry for him as his down to his mother to let him know that this is not acceptable behaviour. She lets him do it and it is not fair for him to learn that he can do this.

Your son sounds absolutely fine to me. Wish mine had been so calm - what's your secret?!

Is your son old enough to be told to go to straight to the playgroup leader if he is being hit? It's a strategy I have had to use with my oldest son, coming at this problem from a different angle, though. In his case, his tendency as a todder/ pre-schooler, was to hit the hitter back, so starting a fight and getting him into trouble. The other thing I said, but your son may be too young for this, was to always avoid going near the hitters and play with the non-hitters. He does this now, with some success.

Also, as your son is not yet three, it's possible he may well go through a more aggressive phase himself. My son got noticeably more boisterous and aggressive after his third birthday, for instance. And I believe around age four (according to Steve Bidolf, in Raising Boys) boys get a huge, huge, surge of testosterone, making some behavior changes more likely. This may make him more assertive - or even swing too far and make him hit out. Best of luck on this! So however you choose to tackle the problem now, perhaps bear in mind that your son may hit later, so any code of behaviour you institute now will have to work for both hitter and the child being hit. For this reason as well, it may not be a good idea to be too openly negative about the hitter child in front of your son.

Eulalia, I echo what others say about your son being calm, but I think you're right to be a little concerned if he lets others take things away from him.
I was like that as a child, and I grew up into an adult who couldn't stand up for myself, and there were plenty of people who took advantage of this with a variety of different sorts of aggressive behaviour. Also, if you can't stand up for yourself, how can you stand up for your partner and children either?
This lasted until I was 28 years old when I shared a flat with the flatmate from hell! There was another girl in the flat who also didn't really know how to stand up for herself, and the third person spent the entire year we'd signed up for the lease bullying both of us, stealing food, taking clean towels, sheets etc and basically anything else they fancied, and frequently breaking our things. Neither of us knew how to cope with this sort of behaviour.
It was only when I got married shortly afterwards, that my husband taught me how to stand up for myself!
We have two rules for our children on this issue: 1.don't ever start any aggressive behaviour towards others and
2.don't let anyone else get away with being aggressive towards you.
This isn't everyone's cup of tea of course, as it might involve the use of reasonable force to deter aggression, but I am happy with it because I know from my own experience the misery of not knowing how to stop other people from taking advantage of you.
So if it was my son, I'd talk to him a bit and suggest that he shouldn't let other children take things from him. I'd also set him an example by showing that you yourselves don't put up with aggressive behaviour from others, whether it's adults towards yourselves, or other children towards him. Again, this is a reaction to my own parents, who never supported us when other people were aggressive towards us. They would just have let others take toys away from us.
Obviously this is a very personal matter how one approaches this sort of problem, but I can testify that it is pretty miserable to grow up as the sort of child that other children can take toys away from.

I've never regarded age or sex as valid excuses.

Perhaps I have exagerated the 'problem' - as I say he doesn't seem upset if the toys are taken away. At playgroup he was doing some puzzles but wasn't terribly interested and another boy took some pieces away, then my son actually started handing the rest over to him!

Sml - it will be interesting to see how he turns out because I am fairly passive, and not very good at standing up for myself but have got better as I've got older. However my husband is very much the opposite and won't hesitate to tell someone what he thinks of them.

I think my boy is passive rather than submissive. He just doesn't seem very interested in having 'things', maybe that is a good thing in our consumer driven society. He is a bit young yet to form any strategies for reaction - if he was upset then I'd be more inclined to do somethng about it. Apart from the boy who hits, but he hits all the kids and I think some of us need to complain to the mother.