10 year old step son still soiling at 10 and birth mum not fazed by it

[StrictlyMsPrince]

HI,

I'm new to mumsnet so not used to all the abbreviations so forgive me for longhand! My step son is still soiling his pants on a daily basis at 10. It was initially hidden from me when I met my partner but I am now fully aware. We have taken him to he doctor and he is now seeing a paediatrician but his mum (who he lives with 200 miles away, we have them 1 weekend a month and school holidays) is a lax with the Dr's instructions (chopping and changing his medication dosages, stop it completely etc.) and recently told us that he was doing great and was clean almost every day.

We recently took him and his sister on holiday and everyday was the same, poo in his pants to the point where we'd be out for just 30 minutes and I could smell it and he would avoid doing activities because he knew is pants were messed and couldn't change. He's also lying about it and trying to hide it. We've tried getting him to pay for new pants (they are so messed we refuse to wash them anymore and throw them away) and wash his own bedding and clothes recently (I can't put his clothes in with ours as they have to go on a 90 wash to try to get the smell out).

He's gone into year 6 this year in school and has mentioned that his class have a residential trip at the end of the year, previously it's been a week somewhere like Hereford/Isle of Wight and my partner has mentioned previously that he couldn't have a sleep over at the moment let alone go away on a week trip with activities all day involving changing!

I think the problem could be behavioural but it's hard to pin down because of the fact his mum adjusts the Dr's instructions so medically we don't know where we are plus we don't know what she classes as 'clean'. My SS told his dad when we were away that a pair of his pants were clean and upon inspection my partner said they definitely weren't,not just a skidmark/stain, they were soiled so we're confused (and my SS probably is too) as to what she classes as clean.

We're really worried because next year he's starting secondary school and he seems to be living in a dream world of 'my pants are clean, I don't smell, mum tells me so' 😢

Please help as my partner is tearing his hair out and I have to be careful so I don't overstep because I'm just the step mum.

Thanks xx

If your son is still soiling himself there probably something wrong, I’m no doctor but he needs to be checked out properly he could have IBS, crohns, a blockage of the bowel, or an allergy to foods causing loose stools or something else.
The mother really needs to work together with the father and you and get her head out the clouds, the boy will be starting high school and kids are bloody cruel. The boy is mostly ashamed and embarrassed by it all and who can blame him poor kid.

Feel so bad for all of you. Get this boy help and fast

You said:
‘We've tried getting him to pay for new pants (they are so messed we refuse to wash them anymore and throw them away) and wash his own bedding and clothes recently (I can't put his clothes in with ours as they have to go on a 90 wash to try to get the smell out).’

Why are you punishing him for this? It’s clearly not his fault and whether or not this is a medical or emotional issue, he needs help, not chastising. He must feel so embarrassed and you are making this worse. I know that it must be frustrating and unpleasant, but please don’t take this out on him.

Benandhollysmum gives good advice above.

Also, he has a mum, not a birth mum!

Hi. I would agree that it's not right to punish him, he won't be doing it deliberately. My son was soiling when he was about 6 and it was actually due to constipation so the softer stool would squeeze around the hard stool and leak out. He usually couldn't feel it happening. My son was given movicol and this seemed to help however it would return when we stopped it. I asked to be referred to an nhs homeopath and this seemed to work although I don't know if it was coincidence. He obviously needs to be assessed and if he is given a stool softener, to take it regularly so it may be worth speaking to him about it and seeing if he can take responsibility for any medication if his mum isn't able to. He could also drink more water, eat fruit etc and try to sit on the toilet at regular intervals. If you google soiling in children there's a lot of advice.