Wtf am I doing wrong?!

[MichaelDouglasInFallingDown]

Daughter is 2, 3 in a few weeks time. She is very bright, language is extremely advanced, huge vocabulary etc (trust me this is not a stealth boast or any kind of boast otherwise)

She has become an absolute fucking nightmare behaviour wise. She is such an adorable, caring and inquisitive child but I feel like we have lost her. She reminds me of me when I was 15 - she is defiant to the extreme, if I ask something she does the exact opposite, things like that. She clearly knows what she's doing and seems to enjoy pushing me as far as she can.

My parenting style is to not punish behaviour but reward positive things. However I've found myself slipping into "if you don't do what I've asked/do that again/etc they'll be no more X today" some times she just says "I don't want X" and carries on other times she does the thing one more time or whatever and then absolutely LOSES her shit when the consequence is enforced. It is intolerable.

What am I doing wrong? Has the sweet little thing I was so proud of vanished forever???

Oh and it isn't just defiance. It's constant whining that she doesn't like the way I've said something or doesn't want a certain cushion near her, doesn't want to do that before having some drink, stuff like that.

You have my sympathies, she sounds pretty much like my DD. Have you tried Calm Parents OP?

@JiltedJohnsJulie how do you cope day to day?! Thanks for the link. I don't seem to have the time to go to the loo at the moment though, the luxury of reading a book feels like a few years off yet!

We’re going through this with DS too, and everyone I talk to first laughs in that, “oh THOSE days” way and then promises me it’s a phase. I certainly hope it is, it’s awful. DS is in nursery full time; I don’t know how SAH parents do it. Sympathies, OP. I think we just have to wait it out.

@thundernlightning how old is your ds and how long have you been enduring so far? We are actually having a brilliant day so far - no instances at all...yet. I think it is definitely connected to how tired she is but she dropped her nap a couple of months ago and still struggles at night.

I get frustrated because I only have one friend with children. Her daughter is older than mine and she has been a placid, angelic little thing always. They've never had any of the difficult phases we've had and it makes me feel like I could be handling it all better.

Sounds like my DD, 2 and 1/2. She is also into the constant whining and following me everywhere barking orders at me, even into the shower. I have to come to work to get a break!

She must know I'm weak as she pretty much orders me around all day!

Found she is much much worse behaved when we are at home too for some reason so try and get out as much as possible.

Hey so what is with that - weird they do it at home more. Maybe because they feel safer to? Mine orders me about too - what the hell! I'm on mat leave at the moment and miss work SO much!

My daughter 11 and is exceptionally controlling and can get really distressed and cross if things don't go her way your dd sounds quite like her but things are so much easier now. while she does still try and tell me what to do all the time every day she now accepts me telling her to bog off with relatively little fuss and good grace. When she doesn't get her way she doesn't melt down anymore she is most likely to stamp her foot and go quiet for a few minutes. All you can do is be consistent in showing her that her behaviour is not acceptable and get her used to not being obeyed. I never do anything my daughter tells me to do, if it is actually something that needs to be done I make her wait, I don't specify a time eg if I were to say 5 minutes she'd be back saying "it's been five minutes" which still gives her control. Instead I say "when I'm ready".

@MumUnderTheMoon thank you for that! That is really helpful advice, i haven't thought of it like that. And I think you're right - it is about control no idea where she gets that from

I say "you don't order me around, you ask me nicely" about a million times a day but you're right - she's still in control that way. I will start the "when I'm ready" line

11 is still 8 years away...tell me it hasn't only just got easier for you?

We have settled in in the last couple of years but my daughter has complex additional needs and I have chronic illness so we have to factor in a lot hopefully things won't be so complicated for you. Also I do think changing my own attitude helped about 18 months ago I just thought I have to let myself off the hook here I can't fundamentally change her but I can change how I respond to her. My daughter will always be a controlling and slightly frustrating girl but I just decided that she isn't going to rule the roost in my house.

Ah I see, sorry to hear that. But well done to you for taking back control and steering her in a more positive direction. Hopefully I can do the same.

Slightly worried that it may last til 11 years old but good on you for changing things underthemoon

michaeldouglas let's get our DD's together and they can order each other about instead of us

Actually it’s common, young kids are packed full of mini emotions and unsure what they are, they are testing them all to see what works for the best attention seeking
possible.

Best course of action..to ignore if she demands, just completely ignore whining and whinging. She comes to you with it walk away, she follows you keep busy. But ignore, you give in she’s thinking wow my mums going to get me this or that and give into me