I don't want to be around my toddler

[Jekyllandhydesmother]

I feel like I don't want to admit it because I'm a horrible person for thinking it but I don't know what to do anymore.
I am well aware there are people out there who would do anything for a child. DH and I were 2 of them till I got pregnant (it took a long time because of fertility issues etc).

So anyway DS is almost 3 and he just DOESN'T STOP. He's so violent and just doesn't listen to me. I can't control him. I have a physical disability meaning I can't just pick him up or stop him hurting me.

He has times when he's so loving, especially with the dog and babies. He hates hurting me and once he realises he has and calms down he says sorry. But I hate being alone with him. I don't even want to be around him in general. The only time I can cope is if we're out the house and DH is there because he can control him.

I love hearing him sing and learn new words and he's so funny but I feel like I just want to watch from the outside. I don't want to be involved. I'm failing as a mother, therefore as a wife. Because of my new schedule he is going to be in childcare 5 days a week now (Vs the 4 he's in currently). I feel like I have to pretend I'm sad about spending less time with him etc when actually I can't wait to not have a whole day alone with him.

My husband doesn't understand. Neither would any of my mum friends.

I'm so exhausted.

Do you think there’s a chance that you may have PND Jekyll. When I had an episode of depression I felt almost the same as you describe

Did yiu have a traumatic Birth by any chance too?

There an MN section for Parents with Disabilties. I don’t know if you’ve tried posting in there for tips on how to discipline when you’re not able to pick him up or stop him hurting you?

You’re not a band person either, you’re a Mum who’s struggling and we all need help from time to time

Thank you Jilted. I was reading some other threads and thought maybe I could have. It seems weird that is so bad now considering his age but I'll look more into it.
Thank you for the link too I'll check it out :)

Also yes the birth was so so bad. 39 hours from waters broke to birth. Epidural stopped working. I also reacted really badly to the antisickness meds and ended rushed to theatre with forceps delivery in the end.

Quite often PND can have a direct link with Birth Trauma. Have you ever had a debrief over the birth or counselling? I’d talk to the Birth Trauma Association today if you can about how you’re feeling and what you went through.

And in answer to your question, no it’s not unusual to have PND at 3 years no, although I’m not a professional. You see it quite often on the boards on MN. I’m pretty sure my DM has had it for years, just never realised or sought help.

No, noone ever went through it with me. Thank you for the link. And also the info. I keep thinking what a horrible mum I am to have these thought but actually it does sound like PND. I don't want to make excuses but maybe I can get help based on that.

I think getting help is a good idea. Lots of GPs will send you for CBT and combined with ADs, it can be very, very helpful. Talk to your HV too. She may be able to put you in touch with a local support group. We have one for Mums with PND that meets locally