I can’t be a parent anymore

[Ityoj]

I am a mum of a 4 year old with high fuctioning Autism. His behaviours are so difficult and tiring. I wake up everyday dreading having to deal with him. I have a lovely daughter who is 3 and is now copying all his behaviours.
From the time I wake up and sleep I’m walking on egg shells and my life as a parent is no real life. Because of my sons autism we don’t go out as a family. me and my husband don’t have a relationship any more. The stress of raising him has caused our marriage to fall apart.
We can’t go on holidays or have anyone round the house etc. He’s fine on a 121 but as soon as others come into the picture he’s the devils child.

His nursery say he’s fine there and say they have never had any issues with his behaviours.

He is starting school soon and I will find out what they think and how he will cope.

My question is this:

Is there a boarding school that will take my son from a young age?

I know it’s not ideal but I think it will allow my daughter to have a life and also me and my husband.
Emotionally I can no longer look after him and I have thought about walking out most days just to get away from him. So it’s either boarding school, divorce or up for adoption (I don’t want to do that).
I also think the routine in a boarding school would be ideal for him.
I’m giving this decision a year to see how he develops and also if I learn any more coping strategies. We are also getting treatment for him very soon for his health issues (he has autoimmune) and hope this will help with his behaviours.

Any help or advice will be appreciated.

Please be kind!

Also wondering if there is anyone else in my situation?

Hi ltyoj that sounds terribly stressful. I can't advise on boarding it's not a route I've been down, I do know a couple of parents of children with ASCs who have used boarding schools very successfully but their children started much older. I would guess that your DS is still too young to board successfully, he probably still needs his home and his Mum. You must be feeling pretty despairing and at the end of your tether with all this.

I have two thoughts - first of all, are you getting any support at all? Is there an NAS parents group near you? Have you been offered Early Bird training or anything similar on how to manage your DS? And my other thought is, are you getting enough rest, and some time alone with your DD? And any time alone with your DH? Remember to look after yourself too.

The special needs boards here on Mumsnet are very good for support and advice. There are a lot of mums of children with autism there, wide range of ages and experiences. The special needs groups don't appear in the active feeds, but if you look under the list of all Talk topics you'll find them.

I know exactly how you feel!
I am currently laid upstairs with dd2 who is 3 currently going through asd assessment and has the most challenging behaviour I have experienced.
I also have a 15 year old ds who is dx asd. I have a 3yo dd too who is nt and the loveliest natured person ever.

I know you he constant feeling of guilt that you carry and it does affect the whole family. My marriage is hanging on, but it is so so hard! I get angry when my husband sighs or complains even though I do it too. I hope to find a support group somewhere (or start one) sometime soon. I know talking helps me, it may help you too. I think I'm a way it helps to know your not alone :) I have secretly also thought about getting away on my own for a while but then I think of my dd and it makes me cry, because she wouldn't understand. If it helps I can say that my ds's behaviour became different and less challenging when he got to about 7 years old.

Nursery also see a different character from my fiery dd, this initially made me quite paranoid. I have come to see how they can contain themselves in other situations. In our case it leads to a hell of a meltdown after, but worth it for the few hours time out.

Please first and foremost be kind to yourself. Find some way of creating happy-time for everybody. Mine is at the beach and possibly the only place where dd's behaviour is beautiful :)

Thank you for your reply.
You mentioned your 15 year old got better at 7... I think I'm hanging on to this!

Can I ask how you got through the years of your oldest to have wanted another?
Where is your older child on the spectrum? The reason I ask is because I can't see my life with my boy. We lead such a miserable life that I will no doubt be dead my the time he's 15, if his behaviour didn't change/gets worse.

We are going to lengths to get treatment for him to help in any way. My whole life atm has been spent researching endlessly about ways to treat him, the medical issues that underline this horrid condition; so we can have a possibility of a normal life.

There was a time I wanted to give him up for adoption but I have passed that stage! :)
And now it's boarding school.
Thanks for the reply

My 15 year old was an only child when her was younger and more demanding. This did make things easier as there were less triggers for his outburst. Things were especially hard when we tried to mix at toddlers activity groups etc.. when he was younger I couldn't use noisy things like the hoover, blender, hairdryer etc...without him getting extremely anxious. People visiting created awful meltdowns where I had to take him upstairs and play soft music to cam him.
His behaviour wasn't too bad, but this may be because I basically did everything to ensure he was as calm as possible. I learnt his triggers and preplanned as much as possible.

Now that he's older I homeschool him as he cannot cope with communication very well. He spends a lot of time in his bedroom, but he loves feeling secure. He has less triggers and things are more settled.
He is comfortable with only a few people, one is his NT 5 year old dd and they now l now have a lovely relationship.
When he was younger he had an intense fear of babies and young children so I was nervous to have more but didn't want him being an only child.

My youngest dd who is 3 is actually driving me up the wall with her intense behaviour which sounds like what you experience. She is not too bad one on one but she's a nightmare when around the other dc. She lashes out/screams or cries every 10/15 minutes as she just cannot tolerate sharing or being around others. She wants to control me so intensely. She has so many issues that I feel the walking on egg shell situation every second she's awake.
I feel guilty to my nt dd as I feel that it does impact on her but I'm still finding ways to improve this.

To be honest it impacts on everything, my marriage, my social life, my own anxieties etc but I wouldn't be without them. I feel that they need me more than anything to make sense of this crazy world. Saying that I think I may lean slight more toward the spectrum myself :)

i worked as a support worker for children with autism and there was a child that her mother couldnt cope any longer so we looked after him form 9 am till 8 pm 7 days a week. ask your social worker or whoever is working with you regarding your son for an apointment asap and explain to her how you feel ask if he can have a support worker that he can go there, the one i worked at used to have a sleep over too but dont any lobger ur local one might do and might be able to take him a few nights. i cant imagine how hard it is for you, but your daughter has needs too and how would you cope as a single parent when you cant cope with him as a team it would be that much harder. you need to get help asap and i wouldnt give it a year either, your marriage needs to be saved and your daughter needs normality you dont want her mental health to be in shambles. i hope you have a great team of support workers nearby, literally they get to go to amusement parks and cinema and all sorts for free and supportworjers depending on weather will go somewhere every day with him, they actually have to because of daily reports to their supervisor.