How much empathy do your six year old DDs have?

[sandyballs]

I'm starting to get concerned that one of my twin DDs (6) (DD2) seriously lacks any empathy or sympathy. She seems to find it hard to cuddle or kiss or tell us she loves us - we have always had to go to her for cuddles and kisses rather than the other way round. She's almost embarrassed by affection. This is in stark contrast to her sister (DD1) who is constantly throwing herself at me and Dh, smothering us in kisses and telling us how much she adores us. I've always thought it doesn't matter, they're just very different characters.

However, recently I've noticed that she has zero tolerance for anyone hurting themselves or feeling unwell. To the point where she'll say something unkind to them or tell them to go away from her so she doesn't have to deal with it or see it. And she seems to panic a bit.

This was highlighted last week when we went out to a funfair with an elderly aunt and she fell over, winding and bruising herself. DD2 and a little friend of hers were extremely sympathetic and concerned, stroking her hair and asking if she was alright. DD1 announced very loudly (several times) that she was bored and what ride could we go on next -she wasn't the slightest bit concerned that this aunt (who she has grown up with), could be hurt or unwell. Or if she was concerned she didn't/wouldn't show it.

Sorry for the ramble, I'd just apprecite any views/experience.

Meant to say DD1 was sympathetic, not DD2!
Confusing!

Hmm, a bit experienced here I think as have extremely empathi ds2 and ds1 and ds3 on the autistic spectrum!

i think some people really are just unfortable around emotion- it doesn't mean they dont feeel, they just aren't ot at shwing it. And I think thats perhaps part of the normal spectrum of personality.

I am wondering if you could use some of the toosl used by ASD aprents toa ddress the issue? Amazon for example is good for social stories- books that dealmwith how to react in such situations 9and others but you can select), they ahev both example of teh stories and guids on how to create your own.

If you had mentioned other concerns such as communication issues or understanding body language I'd be more concerened. If there si a chance those (eg literal langauge) you might want to search for whats known as the triad of impairments and see how that applies to your daughter.

otherwise I think you probably have one of lifes mroe reserved children, do remeber though that not expressing things doesnt mean not experiencing them

Thanks Peachy. I will search that out of interest. Her communication is excellent, not so sure about the body language, she often doesn't read situations or people as well as her peers. It's hard to describe really - I'd say academically she's extremely bright but emotionally/practically she's more like a 3 year old.

I wonder if it is a slower-to-develop thing too? I have a very very empathetic 6yo girl, and a boy (just 8) who certainly wasn't anything like her when he was her age.

However - I was walking to school with him this January (so he will have been at the older end of 7) when I tripped and fell quite dramatically - and he astonished me by his concern & care, picking up all my scattered handbag bits and insisting that I should not go on carrying my own backpack & he would carry it as well as his own. My astonishment was partly that he should actually be so caring - as I had in truth not expected it.

I am pretty sure I remember my own sense of empathy (which isn't bad now, I hope!) developing - so that must have been when I was old enough to actually notice it developing - so probably 7ish.

I think there are keys very young when ther's an issue though (as opposed to a delaye)- ds1 and ds3 wouldn't notive if Is at here in tears noisily (I remember being bemused before ds1 was diagnosed when friend said her ds was ofetn stopped from being naughty with a ssad face- i thought surelu only angry ones work- little did I relaise the differences). DS2 however would go get me a tissue, give me a hug and then draw me a pretty picture to cheer me up.

Communiaction differences in ighly intelligent ASD kids can be hard to spot- for example, ds1 has a verbal age of 16 - 21!. But its lieteral- if Is aid how many times have I told you to put your plate in the sink? he'lla ctually try to add it up, where as ds2 will just sigh and say lots of times, Mummy.

I remember one distinct report coming back from the speech therapist- she asked ds1, what foods do you like? he ansswered chese and pickle (bizarre as he is allergic to cheese but anyway)

she said I like cheese and onion, do you?

he answered (age6)

I do not like onions, therefore I would not be intrested in partaking of them

PMSL

, bless him he sounds lovely Bink.

That bit about being so literal Peachy struck a chord - DD2 is very like that. If I tell her something is going to happen in, say, 5 minutes, she will count to 60 five times and then expect it to happen on the dot and be genuinely surprised/upset if it doesn't. Whereas DD1 would just know that 5 minutes is approximate.

peachy pmsl

\link[http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=458&a=5489\ this} is the triad; its worth a look if literal language does ring a bell.
If it seems to apply do see your GP and getr effered BUT please don't panic- even if she is say Aspergers its not a huge problem necessarily. I fit the criteria myself, but I have a goo life and have learned ways around things- its better to know in time to learn those things I think

If youre not certain, Flamesparrow has a child who is a sort-of-posssible-AS child. I lent her a book of useful techniques which she could probably pass on if you can find her- if not I can get an amazon reference? Justr eally simple basic ideas

Empathy can be something that takes longer to develop in some children. It sounds ridiculous but when DD1 was your daughter's age there were times when I seriously wondered if she was a sociopath - she seemed entirely unmoved by the sight of someone in pain - if her little sister was crying because she had hurt herself she would just put her hands over her ears and say something like 'its too loud.' I really worried as DD2 was affectionate and caring from the word go. DD1 is almost 10 now and the most lovely, affectionate, caring child you could meet. So maybe it is about learning to express feelings as much as having them in the first place.