How to deal with a spoilt nephew?

[Hunnybunny345]

So let me start but saying me and my husband don't make as much as husbands sister and brother in law but we live a comfortable live.

So we had been thinking long and hard about what to gift our nephew on his 4 birthday. We decided to get him a new school/p.e bag, water bottle, and pj's all with a train theme as he is mad for anything trains. So he arrives at his gran and grandads house and makes a beeline straight to him presents without saying hello. Grandad gives him his first present which was ours. Nephew rips open the cards and then doesn't even look at the name on the card and then throws it on the floor as it has no money in it!!! He then picks up our gifts all at once looks in the bottle of the bag and then throws those on the floor!!! My heart broke!!!.

He then gets handed another gift, this time from a family friend!!! He rips of a little piece of wrapping paper and it's only a Hornby train!!! Well he decided that he will carry on opening it later. He then says we're is my other present!!! Grandad then hands him his and grans, he rips the paper off and it an all singing all dancing lego train!!! What he wanted and asked for!!! He then says we're are my other presents!!! That was it, he had opened them all, and he then went into a meltdown!!! I just couldn't believe it. I was shocked but not really surprised by his behaviour!!! He had a meltdown at my 1year old sons birthday party play pass the parcel cause he did win!!! I just don't know how to handle it, and I really don't want my son to grow up like that. His gran and grandad panda to him (nephew) and say he is just a baby, he is not!!! He is starting school in September, it's just upsets me!!! I know he is not my child but still he is a spoilt brat!!!!

Where his parents there? What was their reaction?

Argh! Were* not where!

Dad was at work and Mum just said u aren't having it today, you have to wait until tomorrow.

I’d say everything you have described is typical egotistical 4 year old behaviour. However, that said, whenever my son behaved in this manner I’d intervene to model appropriate behaviour e.g fully opening gifts and thanking recipients. He’s 7 now and I still have him write out thank you cards after his Birthday/Christmas. When he was little the cards included a photo of him wearing the clothing item/playing with the toy plus a scribble on the inside of the cards.

It’s really up to his parents to instil manners/respect. You could challenge it if you’re prepared to deal with creating tension with the in laws!

I was just so shocked that they never did anything about his behaviour!!! I guess I'm just scared my son will think that's how u behave!!!

I think you are being quite unpleasant calling a nursery aged child a spoilt brat. A four year old is egotistical and lacks impulse control. Birthdays are overwhelming and he is still learning how to behave appropriately. Model appropriate behaviour and he will hopefully get it eventually

That is fairly typical behavior for many 4yos. The parents should have intervened and tried to get him to say thank you, although it is not certain they would have succeeded. Pretty poor parenting that they didn’t even try though.

Agree with the others. I think you are been quite unkind about your DN and this is totally normal behaviour at 4. It’s the patents job to guide their behaviour though so I’d be more upset with them.

What exactly do you need to deal with in regards to his behaviour? Do you have him on your own or something?

As for his behaviour he is 4, you'll feel different about this in 3 years time.

Pass the parcel for a 1 year old? Seriously? Even at 4 it is hit and miss to whether they filly understand it (see above behaviour examples)

A four year old should have manners and if they haven't, then its symptomatic of poor parenting.
If you read up on child psychology, it comes under the heading of early learning social skills which should be taught as soon as the child is verbal. Interestingly, nursery and infant teachers nationally are teaching these basic skills to the children in their care....along with table manners and, in many cases, toilet training.

pallasathena, while parents definitely should be teaching children manners from an early age, not all 4yos will quite have got there, and even the most perfect 4yo may well have the occasional slip from his highest standard. That is not symptomatic of poor parenting.

Coming from a large and very close extended family, I have seen all sorts of variants on this theme. The one thing that stands out is that (no doubt because all the parents involved had good standards) they all got there eventually. The children we looked at and shook our heads about when they were 4 are just as charming and well-mannered as the rest. As I used to repeat to myself as a mantra: child-rearing is work in progress.

The little boy who once pushed my ds off the landing stage into the sea is now a deeply caring and considerate teenager, very much involved in the recovery of his seriously ill father. And ds didn't take his cue and start pushing other people into the sea either.

P.S. The water was shallow. I fished him out. No harm done.

OP, if I were you, I would try to pay as little attention to your nephew's behaviour as possible. You don't know what your lo will be like when he gets to that age, you don't know what your nephew will be like when your ds gets old enough to want to copy him. For all you know, he may have matured into a model of considerate manners.

What you do need to avoid- for your own sanity- is to view child-rearing as a linear process: now that I have got him to this level of good behaviour we will never have a problem again. You may or you may not. Dips in behaviour during transitional stages are very common, and just about to start school is a huge transitional stage. Chances are there will be times when you have to intervene and work away like a beaver on damage limitation because your ds has just behaved in a way that is nothing like what you've taught. And no, it won't be the other children's fault: it will be part of your work as a parent.

Melt down on pass the parcel is very common. Which was why I usually at that age had stickers so they all had a present or a sweet that lasted the whole game.
When they get older they know they'll get one turn and then not again until the end, so are inclined to get their turn and wander off.

I'd agree with the others. He's 4yo, which from the point of view of a parent with a 1yo is a huge grownup person who should behave well at all times. When your 1yo gets there you will realise that actually they're still very little and don't have adult emotions and need a lot of guiding. He is still just a baby; the grandparents have the right of that. Be glad. It means that they will say the same WHEN (not IF) your ds behaves in similar fashion rather than writing him off as a brat.

Saying your heart broke is somewhat dramatic. At that age they're interested in opening the presents mostly. Later he'll probably come back to the presents and love them, but at the time he was focussed on the opening.

Assuming it was a temper tantrum, I think actually the parents were wise not to make a fuss then. he wouldn't have listened and not learned anything. Much better to wait until he's calm and talk quietly when he's on his own about how behaving like that makes the buyer feel bad. How would he feel if he'd made a special card for grandma and she'd thrown it on the floor because she wanted something else? That sort of thing will in the long run bear far more fruit than shouting at him and punishing him then.

the grandparents have the right of that. Be glad. It means that they will say the same WHEN (not IF) your ds behaves in similar fashion rather than writing him off as a brat

THIS.

Another thing: when most of us say "I would never have been allowed to get away with that" what we remember is ourselves at a rather older age. Very few of us have any clear conception of how we came across in the eyes of others aged 4.

I have the fortune (misfortune?) of growing up in a family where everybody has been really interested in children for many generations. Things that children do and things that children say are remembered and told as amusing anecdotes. Which means I can dish the dirt not only on my elder brother (whose early years I couldn't remember), but also on my mother and my grandmother right back to the early years of the 1900s. It is very reassuring to find that on the whole, children were children back in the day, they said things that made their parents cringe and they did things that was the stuff of anecdotes for a century- and then they grew up into responsible and pleasant adults.

Must have been around 1936 that my mother told the auntie detailed to look after her that "when my mummy isn't here, I do as I like". And about the same time that she greeted her mother, returning from her mother's funeral, with a disappointed "Are you back already? We've been having such fun!". And around 1904 or thereabouts that my grandmother had an imaginary friend who perpetrated all the naughtiness in their house.