what to do when bigger boys take the toys?

[phatcat]

I took my toddler DS (16 months) to a M&T group for the first time this morning. He's in a bit of a clingy phase at the mo so I was following him round a lot. Despite that a couple of the bigger boys came and took toys off him, quite roughly. I wasn't sure what to do - first time did nothing, next time glowered and said 'phatcat ds was playing with that' - the kid still took it anyway. Much crying from my ds both times. (I was a bit upset meself TBH - it's difficult to see your kid get the shitty end of the stick isn't it.) The mums of the bigger boys didn't see, they were off having coffee. What's the best thing to do in such a situation? I don't think I got it right either time. It can't be right to let the bigger kids think it's OK to take toys off someone else, but is it OK to effectively discipline someone else's kid in the absence of their parent. Should I have told the mums in question? Would appreciate your words of wisdom. TIA.

i would start trying out different m and t groups - you don't want to end up childminding their children. you may end up travelling a bit further but it will be worth it. you will know when you've found the right place. i too had this problem and eventually found a montessori music group called 'musikgarten'. absolutely brilliant- all the children and parents take turns with different instruments and toys,. it really helps with sharing, listening, motor skills, confidence etc. also found it educational - they have songs on the seasons, planets, animals, geography etc, children can start from 18 months up to 4 years - if interested they usually have a long waiting list, i will try and find the link thing

musikgarten website

thanks Shrub - that sounds fantastic - I only wish I had access such things - it sounds right up my street - currently I live in the stix (Skye) so there's not a lot of choice. My feeling is that it was all a bit anarchic and disorganised and I'm not sure that it will be much of a benefit to ds under those circumstances. I suppose I should try and take the attitude that I should muck in and try and change things for the better but I'm not sure I've got the skills or the gumption.

I have never really decided what is best in these kinds of situations but personally I would have no problem at all with any parent who intervened to stop my ds taking a toy that another child was playing with so long as they were not at all aggressive or scary with him. If it happened to my ds I think right now (I change my mind quite often on this!) I would say firmly to the other kid that my ds was playing with that and try and change the situation by offering the other child another toy or trying to create a situation where the two of them could play together but if not I might take the toy back or if that seemed likely to get me involved in a big strop then let it drop and take my ds away to play with another 'more interesting' toy. I wouldn't bother speaking to the mum though unless it was something violent going on
you might also find that your ds works out a strategy of his own for dealing with this, like screeching his head off when anyone tries to take a toy away, or you could help him to learn to say 'no' in an assertive way - I hesitate to suggest this though as I did this with my son and ended up with a stroppy 2 year old who nicks the other kids toys instead - oops - over assertiveness training!

thanks morocco - that's really good advice which I will salt away for future use.

My ds is 17 months and is always getting things taken off him at M&T and playgroup. I substitute another toy (sometimes for him, sometimes for the other kid if they are only eyeing up the toy and haven't got their mitts on it yet).
You can't control the other kids, but you can say something to your ds like "it's upsetting when someone takes your toy isn't it - right lets find something else". It's mostly about the tone, first acknowledging he's upset and then happy and getting on with it.If you don't want him to make a huge fuss everytime something gets taken, then don't make one yourself. Treat it like you would if you really need him to come away from a toy at home to have dinner, because really it's the same to him.
Some of the big kids at ds's playgroup where obviously testing boundaries by taking things, or blocking his path, but once they saw he wasn't bothered and they weren't going to get any attention from me either they soon moved on, unfortunately to some other kid, but hey I can't change the world.
As for the other mums. I don't think they should be off having a coffee where they can't see for many reasons (what if their kid got upset or hurt), but then if they are constantly having to referee all the time maybe they needed the break, people go to Mothers groups for themselves as well as the others.
My personal opinion is that taking toys is normal, it happens, however I would not tolerate another child being rough to my ds and would discipline him if his mother wasn't there.