Cannot Change Daughters Behaviour - PLEASE HELP ME!

[SingleDad5050]

I am at my wits end to the point of think either I've done something fundementally wrong to my little girl or there is a clinical issue.

She is 4.5, clever, bright, strong willed and active (not a big TV watcher).

But I cannot alter two key negative behavious:

• Taking pleasure in tormenting others
• Doing immediately what she has been told not to

Please bear with me as I know I'm unloading a bit here.

The issue/s: if she is asked not to do something by anyone (adults or children) then her pathalogical response is to do it. Anything from petty things through to things that are causing real strains in my relationship with my partner.

My partner has two lads 5 and 8. Both are for the most part nice lads; very wet behind the ears and prone to making a meal out of anything which doesn't help with a child who revels in getting a reaction. They see each other every other weekend presently and we try to make those weekends about the children. We're about two years in. There is real aminosity between them still: them saying she has done things she's not or exadurating. Her tormenting them to no end.

She takes utter pleasure in finding things to do to them that they do not like, then will keep at it until they are sometimes in tears. This isn't hitting or hurting, but touching and tapping them constantly, following them about, putting her feet on them, talking over them, parroting.

For adults, especially me:

Ask her not to climb onto a push bike which is just on it's stand and will fall over and she'll get off, then walk to the front of it and wobble it. Ask her not to pick up the dog, she'll immediately do it. Don't blow bubbles in her drink, she'll slurp off her spoon. Literally anything she can do to get a reaction she'll do. She KNOWS that the reaction will just be her getting whatever she is causing trouble with taken away or the below. I explain that I want to spend time with her, but cannot and will not if her behaviour is aimed at being disruptive and inflamatory.

I know this sounds like classic attention seeking. I've tried making sure we have good 1-2-1 time, reward charts, consistent rules and punishment. For attention seeking behaviour its usually going to her step or room so she does not get the attention she is after. I always tell her how much I love her as there has been, and still is some jelousy where her mum (my ex) and my new partner is concerned. We're nearly 2 years in now through. I make sure she knows that she is the most important person in my world (without letting that get in the way of consistent, reasonable expectations of behaviour).

No matter what I do: positive re-enforcement, stricter discipline, both, visual stuff. NOTHING works and her behaviour is just getting worse, even when it's just me and her.

I've even considered it's Oppisitional Defiance Disorder it's that bad.

When I broke up with my partner my daugher was coming up on three. I had a year on my own just me and her. Our relationship was VERY close as I did a lot of the mum stuff. In her head she only wants mum and dad back together, or me just to herself. Anything that is not that is simply on the business end of a never ending barrage of poor behaviour.

What on earth do I do?

Some of that sounds like a typical 4 year old!

How is she when partner not around? If better, perhaps accept that she is telling you that she is struggling and spend shorter periods with partners children at weekends?

What happens if there is an immediate non attention consequence to behaviour?
E.g if asked not to blow bubbles in drink and why, drink is replaced with water without comment.

If told not to touch bike (so long as it’s hers), if she knocks it over you leave it on floor without comment?

Will not attending to the behaviour but explaining before or later why you dont want her to do things change the outcome?

Does she live with you full time or is it her that's the visitor? How is she with her mum? Has the behaviour started/worsened since the two boys came on the scene? Sorry to fire questions at you but it does seem like her behaviour is tied up with the new partner and her boys.

"I explain that I want to spend time with her, but cannot and will not if her behaviour is aimed at being disruptive and inflamatory. "

Do you actually say that to her? Might be hard for a 4 year old to understand!! Also, I wouldn't use taking away your time as a form of punishment.

Ask her not to climb onto a push bike which is just on it's stand and will fall over and she'll get off, then walk to the front of it and wobble it. Ask her not to pick up the dog, she'll immediately do it. Don't blow bubbles in her drink, she'll slurp off her spoon. Literally anything she can do to get a reaction she'll do.

Well this bit is simple - not easy but simple. Instead of telling her what not to do and what to stop doing, tell her what to do instead. And be very specific each time and very positive and generous with praise when she does it. So if she's climbed on the bike cheerfully tell her it's time to get down now and put her shoes on, that's it, good girl. Or tell to help you take it off the stand and go for a ride, well done for helping. Pat the dog like this, that's right, or get the dog's lead or open the door or roll the ball.... Use "come and play here by the table with me" (friendly welcoming smile and chat to her while she settles to play) rather then "don't go over there". "Walk along beside me" (and engage with her) or "can you run to the next lamppost and stop" rather than "don't run off" etc.

For some things you can use "three more and then stop" - if she's near the end of her drink say "three more bubbles then drink up and I'll take your cup, three, two, one, now a big gulp, all finished, well done" as you sweep the cup away.

She KNOWS that the reaction

She knows there will BE a reaction and often it's better for there to be no reaction at all. Ignoring is one of your most powerful weapons against minor (irritating, non dangerous, non destructive) misbehaviour. You could reasonably decide to ignore bubble-blowing (and many similar things) altogether.

If she's dragging her feet use when-then - WHEN you have washed your hands THEN we can have tea.

When possible avoid conflict by child-proofing - if it really matters that the bike shouldn't fall over then can it be more strongly supported? High shelves, locked medicine chests, even big wire fireguards that can take a ton of stuff are all your friends. If she's forever grabbing the dog then mostly keep them separate and whenever the dog wanders up be prepared to remind her what you want her to do - "here's rover give him a pat/that's right" (sorry I don't know much about dogs but you get the kind of thing I mean) You might need to rethink your child-proofing to suit her age, height and new abilities.

Agree with pp that this sounds pretty normal and that taking away your time will probably be coutner-productive. A few mins on her step or room are fine if she is being really naughty but don't overdo them. Reward charts do have their place but small children are suckers for enthusiastic praise for trivial good behaviour, and they are also suckers for bits of friendly joint attention. You might just be a bit too shy to do all the endless rabbiting on that this needs!

She is better on the whole when my partner is not about. The challenge I have is that I cannot seem to change that. I tell her all the time that she is the most important thing in my world and I love her more than anyone. My aim being that she knows that someone has not taken that away from her. I think I’m going to try spending at least 1 hour a day at the weekends I have her just with her to see if more 1-2-1 time helps. When we do things with the boys I try to make it all equal as far as attention goes.

She is better on the whole when my partner is not about.

That's not really surprising, you are her Daddy after all, and your partner must change the dynamic in a way your DD doesn't know how to handle. And the boys change things as well.

When we do things with the boys I try to make it all equal as far as attention goes.

You could focus on structuring the kids' play a bit when they are together to help them co-operate. Maybe your DD doesn't really know how play and interact with these children who are very intensively in her life for two days and then vanish again for a fortnight. She may be annoying them because she doesn't quite know what else to do.

What you could try is, get them to take slightly different roles in a game - one child makes the trains, another puts the made-up trains in the station, another puts the tracks together. That way they are interacting and playing together without all this poking. Do the same with tasks around the house - they can lay the table with one getting the mats, one getting the plates and cutlery, one setting things out on the table. And plenty of praise and encouragement for each - no comparisons, and no criticism or nitpicking, praise anything that's more or less right "well done Tommy, you made sure everyone has a knife and a fork and spoon, now let's just move these round so there's room for the spoon on top". Have family jobs like car washing or apple collecting or making food, jobs where they can all help by doing a different task. And big up DD's role to her beforehand.

I tell her all the time that she is the most important thing in my world and I love her more than anyone.

That's nice but I'm sure spending lots of time with her will be more helpful than any amount of words! And be careful about telling her that you love her more than anyone, comparisons are not helpful because it's possible to love more than one person deeply at a time and she may wonder how you can really "love her more than anyone in the world" and still want to spend time with your partner.

Praise and compliments for the everyday things DD does are very effective ways to show your love; quality time with her is another (google Gary Chapman's "5 love languages" if you want more on that, it's mainly about marriage but some of it applies to kids too)

I think I’m going to try spending at least 1 hour a day at the weekends I have her just with her to see if more 1-2-1 time helps.

Sounds good!

Great advice here from Kleinzeit

@SingleDad5050

Have you considered just spending time with your daughter on her own on the weekends you have her. I know you are trying to blend the families but if you only see her 4 days each month and the boys are with you all the rest of the time, they get a lot of your time, she doesn't.

Do the boys see their father? Can you arrange the weekends so that she is with you when they are with their father?

Or are you doing the classic send the boys to their father on the same weekend that you don't have your daughter so you and your partner have a weekend alone? You need to rethink this if that is what you are doing.

Spend a whole day on your own with your daughter each weekend, give her more positive attention. Then the boys can have time with their mother also.

OP, I wonder if you realise how valuable and considered Kleinzeit's advice is? I don't think you would get more practical and helpful suggestions from anyone. Please do read and digest it.

I've just clocked that she's about to start Reception. Some children regress because of this because they are scared. Some adults make starting school a big deal (calling it Big School and asking if they are excited etc)