I have 3DCs. The eldest is dd who has just recently turned 4yo. Her level of general anxiety about normal things in life has got to a point where I am finding it hard to cope.
Her anxiety dictates much of what we do as a whole family. She will develop phobias of toys and games very easily, which means there are very few things she owns that she will actually play with. She also develops phobias of toys the other DCs own (completely harmless baby toys) and will not stop crying and screaming, pulling at us or physically hitting us until we take them away from her siblings or throw them in the bin.
Everything within her own space is approved by her and vetted but she will sometimes take against something in an extreme way and it’ll have to be removed. She does not like me reading certain books to her siblings within earshot either and will tear the books up in secret when she gets the chance. They are not books that would usually cause any fear, it’s things as straightforward as Peppa Pig or Spot the Dog.
Other things she has become anxious about are: certain children’s tv programmes and characters in those programmes, water - like baths, or swimming pools or the sea and will not just avoid them herself but will insist that the entire family avoid them. She worries about liquids or food spilling, so becomes very particular about what utensils and receptacles can be used, even by us, and very anxious in anticipation when we are pouring anything that it will spill.
She gets very anxious around open doors, and will compulsively slam them, even when asked or eventually told not to, even by strangers. She hates automatic doors and will scream and cry until we leave a shop or cafe where the door will not shut or keeps opening because new people keep coming in.
This is not even a comprehensive list as dd can develop a neurosis about anything at any time. Sometimes she will get upset and have an extreme response to a face someone is making, or the way they are standing or walking.
Some of her anxieties may be more typical of a 4yo: she has aversions to loud noises, certain foods and drink, where she sits in the car, going to the doctor and many more.
Her anxiety response to all of these things is to cry hysterically and run out of the room. She will then cry and scream from another room and throw things about or destroy them in that room. If you do not respond, or help her avoid it or stop doing the perfectly normal thing, she will come back in the room and scream and kick at everyone and tear things up so you are sometimes forced to give in because it wears you down or things are getting destroyed.
If you force her to do the thing she doesn’t want to do she will scream and hit everyone all the way through it. If you discipline her for destroying things, she will just carry on until she is physically restrained.
If she has to stay in the room with the thing that bothers her, she exhibits obvious signs of panic: shaking and pallour and sometimes wees herself (which some people also associate with attention seeking/bad behaviour. This is because it usually happens when someone is doing something she does not want - like DS1 or 2 is playing with a toy she doesn’t like or someone else is getting full attention.)
To an outsider it would appear like she is just badly behaved but to me it seems to be anxiety. When I try to talk to her about her fears she says that she “can’t say” or that I “wouldn’t understand.” I ask “are you afraid of...” something happening, and she will say “yes” to every eventuality I suggest, which may just be making her worse, even though I tell her with each example there is nothing to be afraid of.
Occasionally though, and this is what makes me doubt myself sometimes, she will accept bribery to stop having the response or the extreme level of response. Eg if I give her a chocolate she will stop screaming and hitting and just become a lower level version of anxious/panicky.
My other two DC are very laid back, flexible and not anxious so thankfully happy (at the moment) to roll with the changes of plan dd causes daily and the items she takes away from them and th way she limits their life. But it will not always be like this.
When she wakes up in the night she will start hysterically screaming for me even if it’s for something like she wants a drink of water or to go to the toilet. The hysteria will stop as soon as I enter the room, but I have already been woken with a jolt and filled with anxiety myself that something awful must have happened.
DH thinks it is bad behaviour and mostly ignores what she does and doesn’t “run to her aid” in the situations she is fearful of and chooses only to praise good behaviour and positive responses. Our differing opinions on what is bothering her is an ongoing argument between DH and I which adds an extra layer of stress on top of the stress she is already causing and is no doubt making things worse for everyone.
One small example would be when the whole family is driving in the car, DH is driving, me in the passenger seat and DCs in the back, and we have children’s songs on. A song comes on that she has an aversion to and she will start crying hysterically and shaking and eventually hitting DS. I will want to switch the music off, stop the car, stop her hitting DS and talk to her, but DH will want to carry on regardless, refuses to stop, and just wants to ignore her until she stops. As well as being a cacophony of noise and stress, DS continues to get hit for no reason, DH and I end up yelling at each other on top of DD’s hysterical screaming, and the music, which I am switching off and DH is switching back on, and the whole journey, becomes really unbearable and stressful.
When I was younger I had a few problems with anxiety myself and I still do, although I cope with it better these days. DD has perhaps m inherited the tendency, but I can honestly tell you I have been so careful and she has never seen me in a state. I don’t get panic attacks. She has maybe heard me expressing some anxieties to DH like how we are going to be late for something, or minor worries about my parents’ health, or has overheard some of our arguments, but it’s the kind of thing that I am assuming most 4 year olds have been exposed to at some time or another.
The danger of telling anyone that I also suffer from anxiety is that they then just tell me she’s obviously picked it up from me. I did have strong fears as a child but I was definitely not like dd in the way I responded to them: I could be calmed down and I did not try to control the behaviour of others too.
I am not trying to absolve myself of blame here (in fact it might be good if it was me, at least i’d feel I could do something about it!) but I want those I am asking for advice to see lots of options or reasons or ways we could tackle this rather than going straight for the “inherited anxiety response” answer.
I want to help her and I don’t know if it’s something which will simply level off when she starts school and she sees other children being calm about the everyday things she is afraid of, or whether this is an indicator of a bigger problem which will only get worse.
WWYD?