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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DD (9) is stealing & lying about stupid/pathetic things

20 replies

Katymac · 02/06/2007 20:48

We always catch her out

This weekend we have had
stealing choc (which she was allowed to have)
lying about it
stealing choc at nana's (which she was allowed to have)
lying about it
lying about cleaning her teeth/having a bath/going to the loo

She has had a bad year with bullying/bedwetting as a result & has now started her periods

So I don't want to come down on her too hard - but DH had a relative who went from lying/stealing like this to having major problems (police & everything) so he isn't quite as balanced about it

We have grounded her (no riding her bike out on the road) which she only started today as a punishment

But any advise?

OP posts:

colditz · 02/06/2007 20:49

this is classic attention seeking behavior, but I'm afraid I have no advice for you, sorry

Original poster

Katymac · 02/06/2007 20:51

Well if she was 2 - I'd ignor the behaviour and praise the good stuff

Will that work on a 9yo

She gets loads of attention - positive attention

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 02/06/2007 20:54

I think this is the classic age for girls stealing and lying

nice little girls who grow up to be nice young women, IME

I don't know why they do it - trying to control their environment? Experiencing problems with too many parental controls? I think lying is the act of a powerless person trying to get back in control. It is worrying but I really, really wouldn't come down hard for fear that she is going to become a criminal

btw, if she was allowed to have the chocolate, why was it stealing when she took it?

Original poster

Katymac · 02/06/2007 20:55

The deal is she asks/tells us

Rather than take & eat upstairs secretly

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 02/06/2007 20:55

sorry that was not clear

I mean, I wouldn't let your fear that she will become a criminal make you come down hard

not: don't come down hard because that may in turn make her become a criminal

FrannyandZooey · 02/06/2007 20:56

Why does she need to ask / tell you? She clearly doesn't like doing that.

Original poster

Katymac · 02/06/2007 20:58

Mainly so I know & can buy more

She has her own 'store' & If I don't know it's gone I won't buy anymore

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 02/06/2007 21:08

It sounds like she is experiencing having to ask to have some chocolate as a bit too controlling - perhaps she feels you disapprove of her eating it, or the amount she eats (not saying that you DO disapprove, but that she THINKS you do)

can she just tell you when it is running low? Or can you leave her stash in the kitchen so you can just check it and replace it without comment?

I think at this age young girls are getting very health and figure conscious and are aware that they are not "meant" to be eating chocolate and "unhealthy" stuff. It sounds as if she feels rather self-conscious about having to tell you whenever she wants some.

Original poster

Katymac · 02/06/2007 21:10

Hmm - if it was only choc - I think I would but the other lies make me wonder if our job of neutrilising the effects of the bullying haven't worked

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 02/06/2007 21:13

The other stuff is kind of a battle of control as well, though, isn't it? It is her body and I think it can feel very interfering to have another person deciding how to look after it.

Asking about her going to the loo - is that to do with bedwetting? I would think age 9 the more responsibility you can give her for looking after her own body the better. I know it is very hard as you want her to keep teeth clean, not wet the bed etc. But it sounds very much to me like she needs to you take a step back at the moment and take as much of the pressure as possible from her.

So sorry to hear about the bullying

Original poster

Katymac · 02/06/2007 21:16

No - more you are going out on your bike - did you go to the loo

Yes

Then back in 2 mins later to wee {grin] - bike riding does that to me too

I guess you're right - it so frustrating

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 02/06/2007 21:18

LOL does it matter though if she comes back after 2 mins? I think maybe she is quite rightly thinking it is none of your business - it's up to her, really

Original poster

Katymac · 02/06/2007 21:29

You could be right

Why don't they come with instructions?

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 02/06/2007 21:40

LOL it is so easy to advise OTHER people though isn't it?

now can you sort out my rather odd 4 y o?

ScummyMummy · 02/06/2007 21:44

I think Franny is spot on here. These things don't really need to be issues and if you give her a little more responsibility for looking after her own physical needs it will probably ease the tension nicely.

Original poster

Katymac · 02/06/2007 21:46

4yo's I can do

I had one 5 yrs ago & I'm a C/Mer remember

So how long do I let it go before I ask if she is going to have a bath (bearing in mind sha has started her periods[yuk])?

OP posts:

ScummyMummy · 02/06/2007 21:51

Does she have her own special bubble bath and soap and stuff? Might help if you go out and choose stuff with her and suggest a fab candle lit luxury baths, maybe?

FrannyandZooey · 02/06/2007 21:53

I would have a mother daughter type chat (I am sure you have done this before but have another go)

explain all the health stuff, how often she needs to bathe, brush her teeth and why, etc

tell her you can leave it up to her to remember to do this or you can help her to remember by reminding her

(actually I think with a 9 yo I might still be taking charge of the bath to some extent - kind of "bath night tonight, I'll go up and run it for you")

is there anything she doesn't like about bathing? Can she shower? Has she got nice smelly bath stuff to encourage her? Unscented baby wipes are also useful for use during periods

the toilet thing is entirely up to her, if she wants to hold on and then have to run back to the house that's her look out I think

Original poster

Katymac · 02/06/2007 22:08

I agree about the smellies/soap etc

Unfortunatley she has inherited my intolerance to soaps etc - this only arrived in the last 6-9 months (presumably with puberty)

OP posts:

TheLadyEvenstar · 11/06/2007 18:06

KatyMac,
I have been going through a similar thing with my almost 9 yr old ds. He too has had almost a yr of bullying etc. And in turn has stolen from me and DP, then lied about it. With ds it is not sweets or chocolate as I do not have them in the home. I don't think they are good to be there, they are treats I buy when he has earnt them. He takes things like pens, money (pennies really) and possessions small enough to slip in his pocket. The funniest incident was when he and DP had been kidding around and DP said he wasn't allowed to watch a dvd (only playing) so he took it from the hallway and hid it under the sofa.....the cat got the blame!!!!! he eventually (1 hr later) admitted he hid it as he had been told he wasn't allowed to watch it. I was getting excited about having a star bound cat at that point!!!!.

I can't ground him as he doesn't go out alone, I do take his tv away from him. What annoys me most is he has everything he could possibly want and more. I guess you could say he is spoilt lol but hey thats the way i have done things. I found that the famous sticker charts work wonders and he then stopped all the silliness in favour of earning something.

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