Inability to admit when DD1 has (accidentally or purposefully) hurt someone

[Porglife]

Brief intro, I have 3 DC, DS is 11, DD1 is nearly 9 and DD2 is 7.

All normal every day kids, clever, hard working (at school), pleasant, fun etc etc. 2 parents at home, normal happy life.

DD1 does this every few months but not for a while, I thought she’d grown out of it but apparently not.

She cannot admit when she’s hurt someone and she screams the house down asking why no-one believes her.

She wanted some of DS’ chewing gum but it’s all gone, she hit him with a soft cushion but it scraped his glasses down the bony bit of his nose and it’s taken a layer off. She instantly denied it, screamed, cried, ran off crying. She eventually quietened down but when I tried to talk to her she just screamed again saying she didn’t do anything. DD2 said DD1 was repeatedly hitting him before she hit him hard but DD1 is screaming that DD2 wasn’t in the room although DH and I both know that she was, DS confirms it as well.

The kids are normally close so this is all about DD1. I said this morning how tired she looks but this can’t keep happening. She screams and gets so upset, it’s like she genuinely believes what she’s saying and it’s awful to see, there’s nothing I can do. She needs to learn how to talk about things and she sees the others and us apologise so she’s no excuse for not knowing it.

Any advice would be much appreciated x

This morning she punched her brother because he asked her not to wipe her wet (from sucking) teddy on him and she still is unable to admit it. We’ve just had a long talk, she didn’t say much other than “I didn’t punch him”. I think all I can do is hope she grows out of it and continue to praise when anyone admits to anything.

If she is not making a habit of it - it's happening every few weeks rather than daily - I wouldn't worry too much. Forcing her to "talk about things" isn't going to work when she has been lashing out and is upset. But that doesn't mean she can just get away with it. You should insist that she has to apologise to her brother and if this was totally unprovoked then have some sort of small immediate consequence. (If they were both fighting or he was annoying her then an apology for hurting him is enough) You know what happened and she knows what happened, she just doesn't want to accept that she did something wrong.

So instead of trying to "talk about it" let her go off and calm herself down and then do what she has to do. After the chewing gum incident if she has rushed off crying, then you have sorted out what happened with the others, you could say "you hit DS with the cushion, you did not mean to hurt him but he was hurt. So you must say sorry and " If she denies it don't argue, just repeat the previous. Trying to reason her out of it is probably reinforcing it. Then leave her to it. Leave her by herself until she has calmed down and done both. Then it's over and everyone moves on.

If she is tired or under the weather or stressed about something in general then lashing out (and denying it too) is more likely to happen. You can talk about whatever might be stressing or bothering her separately, at some other time when she is calm.

Good luck

(And by the way - since she struggles to apologise it may help if you count any apology, however grudging, as a success. Don't critique her for sounding sulky or insincere. Maybe just tell her later in private that you are pleased she said sorry. She'll improve.)