DS 17mths rejecting his Mum.

[doormangav]

Hi - I read MN quite a bit but have yet to post. My Wife is having a problem with our DS atm, he never wants to cuddle her/be with her. if I am around he always comes over and asks for a hug or grabs my legs. I work full time so only see him for 10mins in the morning mon-fri. I do try and spend a lot of time with him at w/e's, My wife works part/time and our DS stays at home with our au-pair (who he is very fond of) during the mornings and one afternoon a week goes to nursery.

My wife is very good with him, always makes sure he has all he needs etc but feels very rejected and hurt by this - is there anything I can do that will encourage him to be more tactile/loving with her?

I am sure it is just a phase and that I probably overcompensate but any words of wisdom would be much appreciated. She is also 11wks pregnant so feeling a bit washed out/low anyway...

DS is also a daddys boy and as happy as I am for DH, it still hurts sometimes. He has been sayiing Daaaaddeeeee for months but only started referring to me a mummy a bout a fortnight ago. He see's a picture of dh and grins and says "daddy!", he sees on of me and he just sort of looks at it...

When he cuddles you, get your DW in on the act too, for a big family hug. Let DS see you hug DW in front of him. Talk about mummy with ds.

I really wouldn't worry about this too much. My ds (2.5 years old) goes through phases of this. One particular phase was at about 20 months where he wanted Daddy ALL the time and often refused to even cuddle me. This went on for a couple of months. It did really hurt and I wish I could say I brushed it off as a mature adult. The reality is although I pretended it was fine (most of the time) to ds, I also moaned shamelessly to my dh. 'oh he only loves you', 'he hates me' etc..

In fact dh was often heard saying 'ds, would you like mummy?' when out of sight in a desperate attempt to elict a request for me.

ds did outgrow this and now asks for me as well. Tbh though ds has never had long periods of time when he prefers me over dh. He seems to switch from one of us to the other and back again.

I have noticed that ds does get more clingy to the one of us he has seen least of in the previous few weeks so this may be a factor for your ds.

I don't have any answers but have the same problem as your wife. If I go in to my dd in morning she actually groans and just asks for daddy. It breaks my heart when she does this and so I always insist (when poss) that dh goes in to her now. I've found that dancing round the sitting room is something she enjoys and only really does with me so that make's it special. and am trying to find other bonding things to do together

we do the family cuddle thing which does seem to help & now when daddy gives me a kiss I get one of her too.

hope things get better for her soon

I had this too and to be honest I just let them have 'their time' a bit of exclusivity without me in the picture, a great time for me to have some time off and when they returned my hubby was like 'ooooh look it's Mummy I've really missed Mummy etc, lots of hugs and kisses from Daddy to me and DS just joined in. I totally understand how your wife feels, it's horrible and it hurts, but they don't mean it. DS1 now 5 would refuse to hold my hand and always wanted Daddy. It's, just like everything, a phase,being pregnant also makes it harder. We also had a big photo of the 3 of us all huggy and together in the kitchen, kind of a subconcious thing about loving each other. You could also try you and your Mrs just being overly kissy and huggy in front of him too just to show hime how much you love Mummy too! What is it they say, you always hurt the ones you love the most! xx

My DS (now 20mths) goes through stages of this - yep, it hurts, but he's not being spiteful. He just wants one on one time which is fine. I think it's normal. Sometimes he just wants me, sometimes just DH. We all know how much we love each other so it doesn't bother us in the big scheme of things! We all get plenty of big hugs from each other when we least expect them (which is the best time to get them!)

my 2 have been through this from time to time. Some one on one 'special time' has always done the trick for us, e.g. if DD is rejecting daddy, he might take her swimming on her own or go and sit in a cafe and read princess mags with her.

Is he just like that when you are around? Or when you're not there as well?

If he spends most time with his mum it might be just that he is making a bigger fuss of you cos she is there most of the time and you're not (IYSWIM).

Ds is 2.7 and goes through phases of preferring one of us to another (atm its me but around xmas it was dp). TBH in a couple of months the situation could have reversed (remember this when you are feeling left out ).

Could she spend some 'special' time with him doing things he enjoys.

When she is with him how much one to one time does she spend with him and how much doing e.g. housework? DO you spend more one to one (concentrating solely on him) proportionately when you are at home? I find when I am at home with ds I tend to spend time doing housework and boring stuff etc while dp spends the time just playing with ds (no gender stereotypes there ). If that is the case he may see you more favourably. If so could you take on some of the tasks or share them in the evening with her?

My ds did this at exactly this age. & I have to say my pregnancy at the time didn't help - I was knackered & weepy & generally mardy (turned out to be ante-natal depression).

You say dw is washed out/low - if she's not on top form I think toddlers sense it & cling to the parent who isn't giving off stress vibes? Could be a factor, I know it was with us.