I love my DCs dearly. I had a shitty shitty start to life that has affected me long term. I was determined that my DCs would never know anything like that. But I've failed completely.
For a while I've found the odd empty packet of sweets or biscuits in DS's room (he's 10). We don't have food upstairs. They have always been allowed treat food in moderation. I reiterated no food upstairs and didn't think too much more of it really. This evening DH found 2 of DS's storage tins, and his treat jar, each with loads and loads of empty sweet, biscuits and chocolate wrappers. Like proper binging. I was horrified tbh and couldn't understand why when we don't ban these things because I believe it just leads children to binge on them when they can. He gets plenty to eat so I don't believe it's hunger.
I said I would have to take him to the GP because he must have something wrong to enagage in this type of behaviour and if he wouldn't, or couldn't, explain it to me, then he could explain it to a doctor. He said he didn't know why. I asked if he made himself sick after and he said no, definitely not. Obviously I'm thinking eating disorder.
He is having tutoring for his 11+. Something he very much wants to do. I do feel we have been a bit hard on him at times because he is capable of doing it but is forever making daft mistakes first time, but when he looks again, he can do it. It's purely down to him saying he can do it, refusing to check the text or write down workings out, then getting it wrong. But when he looks properly, he gets it right. This has lead to a lot of frustration and a lot of conversations around this.
I asked him if he eats this stuff in secret after we have 'shouted' (it's not actually shouting but can't think of the right word) about his homework. He said yes because it makes him feel better.
So I've utterly utterly failed him. He still wants to take his 11+. He really wants to go to the grammar school. I do feel his slightly arrogant attitude of 'I can do it without writing it down' may be his downfall, rather than his capabilities. We haven't pushed him into this. But he has felt bad enough that he has eaten loads of crap in secret and hidden the packets. I've asked him if he wants counselling as clearly something is going on. He said he doesn't know.
He said its his fault. I've said it absolutely isn't because I have done this to him and made him feel like this. Clearly I'm an abusive parent, just not in the way my mum was, which is what I was trying to avoid, I've just done it another way. I feel dreadful. And heartbroken. I feel like I've ruined him.
DH can be worse than me. I realise and try to recify things and discuss things with both DCs. DH doesn't tend to do anything unless I point it out. He just gets short tempered, huffs and says no to everything, even when it's a perfectly reasonable request and I then have to ask why they can't do X. I see my shortcomings as a parent and try to resolve them. DH apparently knows he isn't the best dad, but does sod all about it. Even after this evening and DS has now gone to bed, I'm sitting stewing and posting about it and DH is going on about the sodding weather and other crap he's looking at on his phone. He won't bring it up unless I do.
I don't know what to do now.