Please help, DS 5 is out of control

[MissesBloom]

Please please please can someone give me some advice.

Ds and I are at loggerheads and my life has become unbearable. Im not exagerating either.

So ds was always a very chilled happy little man until he started school and we noticed major changes in behaviour with him. Up until 4 ish he would basically do everything asked of him, play nicely and was just a delight to be around..honestly people used to comment on his behaviour while we were out, friends used to ask for my advice (ha ha like i had a clue!)

Then he started nursery and went onto reception and we noticed he'd become a different child entirely. Things like him acting out and being rude, not listening, shouting at us, meltdowns it just all became commonplace. We wondered if it was tiredness as he is August born so youngest in the year, and he certainly struggled with needing a nap in the beginning - he napped all the way until he started full time school.

However his behaviour this last 6 months has been completely out of control. He is horrible to his younger sister permanently (where he used to enjoy sharing and playing with her for the most part), he is constantly spoiling for a fight, and will find a way to make me react at all costs. He is angry on and off like a light switch and I never know when he will fly off the handle. If something inconveniences him/irritates him/upsets him he either flies off the handle with anger (smashing things punching, kicking shouting etc) or he cries uncontrollably.

At first I thought this was coming from him picking up on mine and dh's own issues. Both of us don't deal with our own anger very well - particularly me and this is something I'm aware of. Its never aimed at the kids and rarely in front of them, but we have argued before in front of the kids. This is something we've been working on for a long while now and I am very careful to now not to shout in front of them or show any kind of angry behaviour. I think we've turned a corner with the arguing anyway and alot more careful not to air our disagreements in front of the kids.

I tried to find some alternative ways to deal with ds's anger by doing some reading up, and was trying a more passive technique - trying to help him to get calm rather than order him into a time out , and trying to find out what was causing the outburst by showing him I understand how he feels and validating his feelings. I've been talking to him lots about how he handles life's little ups and downs and trying to find a way to react without anger.

It just isn't making a scrap of difference. He now thinks hes got me wrapped around his finger because mummy wont shout or discipline unless I have to. He's pushing me at every turn, looking for arguments,picking on his sister. He's just come home from school and complained his sister got a balloon today at Mac Donalds (I took her and my two neices as I was babysitting, ds is still at school for two more days). I explained that I would take him this week one day and get him a little balloon too. There were two ballons to play with anyway so he played with one in the garden, managed to let it go and of course he had an absolute meltdown. This time it was crying uncontrollably. I sat him down with a nice cold drink and got him a little lolly and tried to calm him down. He ate most of his lolly but dropped the last little bit on the floor...he wanted a whole new lolly which i told him he couldnt have as dinner was on the way. Next thing I know hes smashing up the front room, wailing about how unfair I am etc etc. I asked him to calm down and tried to explain again why I said no. By this point hes not letting me speak, and getting more and more out of hand and lashing out. I asked him to go to his room for a bit to have some chill time and then he just stomped up the stairs pulling all my washing down on the way, slammed the doors.

Its been going on for a good hour. I'm at my wits end.

Where can I even go from here. I've spoken to his teacher this week. She says his behaviour is hit and miss. He's not acting up in an angry way but he's also not getting much work done on these 'off' days. He was asked to do a piece of work on Katie Morag this week and write about an adventure shes been on. He drew loads of fire across the page and 3 people with angry eybrows and gritted teeth. I just sat and cried in school.

She referred him to the school councillor but says there is a wait.

Im lost I just want my happy little boy back.

i wouldt put this down to learning this from other children, ive worked in a school with nursery, reception year one and two and sure children learn swear words ect but we get a lot of parents complaining that their children are nightmares at home but angels at school. i would just put this as an attachment issue, some children cope better with the change of leaving mummy and going to school others arent. a child that behaves badly is usualy trying to communicate something and children are counterproductive when trying to get attention. i would just try and spend a huge amount of quality time with him after school and weekends and try not to shout and give a lot of love and listen. its hard when theyre so little and cant fully understand the overwhelming emotions that they have. i would just focus on his wellbeing for now not to say ignore your other children but he needs more focus now, i wouldnt take him to cinema and costly things but for walks and to nice calm peacful places, swimming a hike where i live you can hire a canoe for 30 mins you want things that you work together to do where hel have a sence of accomplishment too like reaching the top of a mountain or something. these things take time and you have to be very open and talk a lot with him and in time hell open up too. school isnt easy for every kid many countries think they arent ready until 7 and those children actualy have better reading skills and more of an appreciation for learning and better grades. homeschooled children are mentaly way healthier. school is very stressful they arent designed to be away from mum that young and for that long and sit next to tables and stand in line ect working with reception and nursery it was like they were forced to sit all of the time they always asked when coupd they play and rushed work so they could play.

Thanks Enid for taking the time to respond. I definitely don't think it's learned behaviour from other little ones, he did pick up a few little cheeky phrases but this is a whole new level.

I couldn't agree with you more about some children not being emotionally ready for school. I have pondered home schooling and how some other European countries don't even start schooling until 7. This makes total sense to me.

I think maybe one on one time would help as you said. This just feels like a cry for attention. It's just so hard when it feels like he can't stand me.

I think maybe dh and I maybe need to set up a day per week where he gets at least a few hours with one of us without his sister.

Thanks again anyway, yesterday was a difficult day but hopefully today will be better. Roll on summer hols