Help with 3YO

[Fatted]

Please help me with constructive suggestions on how to get 3YO DS2 to do what he's asked.

The second we have to go anywhere or do anything with any kind of deadline he is a fucking nightmare. Runs off around the house, refuses to do as he's asked, laughs at me. I will admit that because often he does these things when we're in a rush (like school run etc) I have been limited in what kind of discipline I can dish out that isn't going to make us late. Usually it just involves me shouting and losing my shit.

He refuses to dress himself or go to the toilet himself. Again, I've not pushed it because we've always been in a rush to get to school etc. But now he's just spent half an hour rolling all over the floor refusing to put a pair of jeans on and has pissed all over the floor because I wouldn't pull his pants down. I was going to take my boys out for lunch cos we're all off today and now I don't have time cos he's been misbehaving and refused to get dressed.

I'm currently sat here crying because I cannot cope with him anymore and I am blaming myself because I know he's doing it for attention and because I've been tok soft on him and done it all for him before now. I just need some constructive ideas on how to get him to change.

We've got reward charts and currently DS1 has lots and DS2 has none. I'm thinking now what's the point because I don't want it to seem like a popularity contest between my kids. I'm just at the end of my tether. I wanted to have a nice day today and it's ruined already!

This is not going to be fixed overnight, You should talk to your Health Visitor or similar, There are often courses like "Handling Children's Behaviour" and similar. Not only would you learn how to manage and alter some of these behaviours, but you would meet other parents and get support from each other. It's not as simple as sticker charts, more a long-term way of doing things, for example, manoeuvring your mornings to avoid being in the last minute rush and being able to do things with time and patience

I already get both boys up at 7am with me getting up before that to get both ready. We are usually running out of the door at 8.45 in a rush. DS2 takes 40 minutes currently to not eat his breakfast. It's taken him about 40 minutes today to refuse to get dressed. He's been refusing to put his shoes on for the last half an hour. I've been waiting for him since 11.30 today so I don't think making more time is the issue.

I should also add all of these things he refuses to do at home are things he happily does at nursery. So he is just being like this with DH and me.

Sorry if I'm grouchy. I just don't know what to do for the best. I'm trying desperately not to lose my temper like I usually would today but I've had to sit in the kitchen and cry.

Oh, I remember this well. DS1 was absolute nightmare at this age. The main thing that helped me was realising that I needed to avoid power struggles, as I was never going to win. Dressing, eating etc are all things they need to learn to do independently so at the end of the day they are their responsibility. Once I detached it was a lot easier to stay calm.

Some things that helped were going through the morning and deciding on a timetable and sticking to it regardless. DC had to be dressed before breakfast. Any tantrums/complaining was met with a simple you can have your breakfast when you're dressed. Ditto any kind of Mum help me with the TV, yes of course once your dressed etc etc.

I also used the alarm on my phone to give 5 minute warnings i.e. When the alarm goes breakfast is finished and it is time to put shoes on. I repeated the phrase when the alarm went, got on with things and didn't engage with the complaining!

I stuck to the timetable too. So if he decided to tantrum for an hour and there wasn't enough time for breakfast then so be it. Same with shoes and coats even if they are not on we are still leaving.

I made sure there was lots of praise too. At first it was trying to find the smallest moments when he was putting on his top but not complaining and we just built from there. He didn't change overnight, but things improved slowly and I felt a lot more in control when I had plan. It is a distant memory now, just another of those things he had to grow out of!

How close is he to 4?

To be honest it sounds kind of normal. My ds2 is 3, although only just turned 3, and he does these types of naughty mischievous things.

For example running off a refusing to have a wee/put his shoes on before the school run.

Running away laughing after bathtime so I can't get him dressed.

Refusing to hold my hand in the street and falling to the floor refusing to walk.

Ds1 was never really like this, so it's been hard. I think they sense when you're stressed too.

Why are you letting him spend 40 minutes refusing breakfast? Surely if he doesn't start eating it after 10 minutes you take it away? Tell him if he doesn't eat his breakfast you'll put it in the bin.

Ditto with getting dressed and putting shoes on, I just make ds get dressed even if I have to hold him to do it.