How old is too old for a dummy?

[Shattered]

My ds has just turned two. He's been very good in most ways, he's always been a good sleeper and he weaned himself off the bottle when he was about 14 months. He doesn't have any other comforters except for his dummy, which I only give to him for his daytime sleep. Initially, I was hoping he would no longer be using it by the time he turned one, but he still loves having it for his nap so I keep letting it go. The trouble is that when he was very sick a few weeks ago, I let him lie on the couch with a blanket and his dummy because it seemed to comfort him, and now that he's better he's been wanting it again when he gets tired in the late afternoon. DH and I think it's best if he only has the dummy for his naps so we haven't been giving it to him, and now of course ds doesn't like this very much. I guess he'll get over it soon but I'm just wondering what others think about an appropriate age for giving up the dummy. Is he too old to still have it or do you think I should let it go for a bit longer? My MIL told me once that she hates seeing toddlers with a dummy in their mouths so I feel a bit uncomfortable with the fact that he still uses it. What do you think?

From my experience bf on demand meant there was no need for a dummy and none of my 4 children is a thumb sucker. Two of them had comforters (soft toy / cloth) Soft toy is now only allowed upstairs (confiscated if brought down - she had 7 - now down to 4 and I think she's learnt we meant what we said!) Cloth had same rule but was then removed at age 4 as it was sucked on and got smelly - ds liked the smelly bit to suck on - yuk!

Re dummies and prem babies - my first was prem and we never had that suggested even though she took a while to establish sucking. In fact, I recall reading NOT to give dummies to babies before bf was established as it encourages the wrong sort of action.

I had no intention of giving mine dummies - but suffered many people saying "why don't you give them a dummy" and then having to defend my position ("well, actually I don't think they need one" - if they cry then I'll try to find out why they're crying - usually feeding them or letting them learn how to get themselves to sleep did the trick).

I feel that babies/children shoudn't have them over the age of about 1 to 2, except to help them to sleep, ie not walking around with them.

katierocket/lara2 - I take your point about it being personal choice but Shattered at the start of the thread did ask what we thought.

I never meant to end up anti-dummies but confiscated ours after a couple of weeks after I went out for a couple of hours leaving dh in charge and came back to find ds furiously sucking on dummy,pitiful look on face and stuck in cot. poor babe looked really desperate (ds too ) Anyway I decided from then on to try and work out why ds was crying (and make hubby do same) rather than just shoving a dummy in. That's not an attack on why anyone else uses dummies, just how we ended up using them. I think if we'd been a bit more selective with it in the first place then maybe we'd still be using it. But like Judetheobscure I've had lots of comments from people in the UK about how I should use one so maybe the moral is 'don't listen to other people cos they'll always have something negative to say no matter what you do'

Thanks, Eulalia, that's very interesting. I can't say that I have particularly strong feelings, either, about dummies, although I wonder how the older children with them manage to talk at the same time. Mine were all such chatterboxes that I'm sure a dummy would have fallen out!!

My son takes a dummy and was bf on demand for 17 months (he's 18 months now and we're weaning him off of the breast). He has a friend who has also been bf on demand for 18 months (no intention of stopping for another year or two, if his elder sister is anything to go by -- she was weaned at 3 1/2). My first son, also bf on demand for almost 2 years, didn't take a dummy. I think it's different with every child, really.

Eulalia, interesting article. It reminded me of an article a friend of mine sent to me about attachment parenting . It's not complimentary, but it's funny and hit a note with me. I did hate Dr Sears. It's not the wearing the baby or the whole attachment parenting thing that gets me, it's the idea that if I don't do it, I'm a bad (or less successful at the whole mothering thing) mother.

Suedonim, I sucked my thumb until I was 8 and wanted to stop. Not sure if your daughter is the same way, but here is what worked for me: I put an Ace bandage (a stretchy bandage) around my elbow, like one would put around a sore knee, maybe? It kept my arm fairly straight and I couldn't bend it to suck my thumb during the night (which I did unconsciously and was the habit I wanted to break). It didn't hurt or anything and when I went to slumber parties I pretended to have hurt my elbow during tennis, I think. Anyway, hope it works out for you guys.

Oops, forgot to put in that my son's friend also takes a dummy. Makes a bit more sense, I hope....

Off to read the cracked nipples threads. Why is it happening now? Agh!

i saw a child today, looked about 6 with a dummy in her mouth out-side a shop. now no-one can agree with that surely

My mother in law visited a friend the other day whose 11 year old daughter was sucking a dummy!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the bandage hint, JJ. That's a clever idea - simply making the thumb unavailable!!

Well quite, Batters. I think dummies are fantastic but certainly can't be arsed to argue with anyone here about it. Each to their own etc etc.

I agree Batters and WWW. I see a boy every day at the school gate with his dummy - he looks about 6 (really!), but he is actually not yet 4, and now that I know the circumstances I know there are good and complext reasons for a dummy at that particular time of day, and he rarely has it the rest of the time.

this child is one of one of my childs freinds. based on the assumtion that dd is 6 then you can assume that this child is 6

When I was pregnant everyone gave me the advice not to give my child a dummy. I smiled politely and decided to wait and see how things went. When DD was 3 months old we gave her a dummy, for the life of me I cannot remember why we did, it must have been to settle her to sleep but she only got the dummy at night as she was settling down, and after she had fallen asleep we would gently ease it back out of her mouth and take it away. This carried on until she was 1 year old. She never had it during the day at any time not even for naps and she never ever left the house with it, some of my friends don't even realise that she had a dummy as they never saw her with it.

When she was a year old the dummy was starting to break at the teat, the way they do, so we said to her oh look it's broken why don't you go and put it in the bin you're a big girl you don't need it anymore... and she did. And she never asked for it again.

There are pro's and cons to giving children dummies. I feel we got away with it ok.

One of my cousins has a dd a year old than mine. her child started nursery at the age of 3 with a dummy in her mouth and she had to have one in each hand as well. If I remember rightly the nursery actually told them to make her give up the dummies, which she managed to do with no trouble at all. I also know of children who have started school with dummies.

I don't mean to step on anyones toes here and everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I know that I would hate to see my child starting school still wanting their dummy. And I do agree that it's not nice to see people shoving dummies into their childs mouth and the child spit it out again, don't they get the fact that the child doesn't want it. But I also hate the way people will say to you oh why on earth did you give them a dummy? after all it's none of their business.

by the way dd has a blankey that she takes to bed with her every night. She doesn't take it with her everywhere though, never has, she only has it for bed. I guess that must have become her comforter after she gave up the dummy. Just a bedtime thing.

Sorry to waffle, but just thought I'd put in my twopence.

I think you should go with the child on this one.Every child need a comforter sometimes it's a teddy, or even us mums. I tried to stop Jess using a dummy but found I became a "Mummy Dummy" she craved me in the situations she would have had her dummy.
My friend gave me a great idea to get rid of dummies. On Christmas Eve we went on a dummy hunt around the house and found over 20! We put the by the fireplace with a letter for Santa. As Santa had written to her about swapping the dummies for presents because he needed the dummies for the small children. She loved it all. Only once that night did she ask for a dummy and when told Santa would want to swap back she said she'd do without, but did shed a tear or too.
She believed she could not sleep or cope with some situations without her dummy. Having to cope meant she did and we were not the "evil" ones for taking it away but instead she had a fair swap with santa.
Hope this helps anyone.
If you are comfortable with it until then and so is the child let it be.

My dd sucked her thumb in the womb, as a newborn and still does occasionally when falling asleep at night. I believe its perfectly natural and not a substitute for breastfeeding as I breastfed on demand until she weaned herself off. She also has a teddy at night. I think it's great to have a toy to love.

I B/F all four babies on demand and I was never going to use a dummy. Mind you I used to sit for hours with a pinky in ds no. 1's mouth trying to get him off to sleep after 101 breastfeeds :_
3 out of four sucked their thumbs. No.3 had a dummy until 8 months old because there were times with my other 2 toddlers that I could not tend to him straight away. Sucking the dummy stopped him getting distressed when I was in the middle of cooking the tea. Dd (number 4) had to have her thumb removed to offer her the breast! She is 9 years old she still sucks her thumb when she is upset or going off to sleep. Am I worried? NO.
I gave ds no.2 a dummy at 6 months when he was seriously ill with meningitis and needed the comfort of sucking because he could not be moved to get the breast nor could he raise his hand to get his thumb. When he was better he went back to his thumb. The other thumb suckers stopped when they were good and ready. Out of all my children the moodiest one is the ds who had a dummy till 8 months then nothing else. I wonder if he would have a more stable personality if I had let him keep his dummy.
I had a friend whose dd was always huge for her age. She used to cry quite a lot so she had a dummy which she loved. She hated going shopping with her mum so she let her have her dummy going round the supermarket. At age 2 she was the size of a 4 year old (very tall) and people used to openly frown at her. This upset my friend a lot because the alternative was a crying child being trailed around. Which was the better alternative.
The aim of this rambling is that there are numerous reasons why babies/children suck thumbs/dummies. As others have said it is a decision for individual parents to take, and they should not be criticised by others who do not know their reasons, nor should they. Equally parents should not be influenced by others opinions. Babies are individuals and all have different needs. The only thing I would stress about a dummy is that it should not be used in the first few weeks until the baby has mastered breastfeeding and that the milk supply is established. Otherwise it acts as a substitute and breastfeeding can subsequently fail.

Batters, I wonder if your dd sucks her thumb at school? I know my dd doesn't (isn't encouraged/allowed to) so may be your dd is making up for it at home?! Mine still does it when she cuddles her teddy on long car journeys,etc (she's recently 6).

mears - you reminded me that mine did a bit of pinky sucking when they were very young - that's when I used to get the comments about "why don't you give them a dummy?" Of course it's each parent's choice whether or not to give a dummy. Not a big deal either way, and it's only my preference not to see children walking around with them - I think children look more attractive without them.

Just noticed that I posted here back in July when ds still used his dummy. He gave it up in October, aged 3 yrs 8 mos. Hurray! What happened was that we were on holiday with only one dummy. It was old and developed a big hole. He went off it and did without. When we got home I sabotaged his other dummies so they too had holes in (wicked mummy!!!). As a reformed dummy snob, I'm quite glad he had one. It didn't affect his teeth or his speech and I'm sure it was easier to give up than a thumb. I was a thumbsucker until age 9 and had to wear a brace to repair the damage. Dd (who never had a dummy) is 6 and still has a comfort blanket, as does ds who is now 4. As numerous people have said, we all need a bit of comfort! What's that saying, "Whatever helps you through the night" ...

Why do we allow ourselves to agonise over everyone else's decisions over things like this?! Dd has a dummy. She is 11 months old. She has it night and nap times as comfort. She had it first as a newborn as it was one of the few things that helped ease her colic. She also has recently started sucking her thumb occassionally. She was breastfed for 6 weeks, then bottle food (again, a personal choice that was for the best of my baby and me). She now no longer has a bottle and drinks from a cup (not a spout). She has no problems with speech development and can already 'say' several words.

I had a dummy and was breast fed for months. My brother has a cleft palette so couldn't have a bottle, breat or dummy. My sister was breast fed and refused a dummy. So, I don't see that anything makes an 'difference' - like us, all babies are different and have different needs. It is up to us as parents to make that decision for them, in their best interests.

Sorry this has got quite long and rambling but I do get a bit fed up at times of having to try and justify my own decisions, rather than being able to express them as my own thoughts and that being enough!

I've seen this thread but, like wickedwaterwitch, couldn't be bothered to argue over such a non-issue.

Then I read Mears's post and others, with their apologies/explanations for dummy use, and recognised in it a pattern of justification that I observe regularly and also engage in.

It seems that anything that makes our lives a little easier is frowned upon. There's a great deal of self-congratulating that goes on when, say, a mum gets her baby to 6 months with nothing but breastmilk passing through babe's lips, but nothing good to say about the mum who makes her life simpler (gives a bottle of formula; a pot of baby food; a dummy) in order to make a contribution to the world that isn't about mothering, or simply in order to save her sanity or get a bit more sleep.

Why are we so hard on ourselves?

Thanks for the link JJ - I've just skim read it but yes of course a lot of the attachment parenting philsophy is simplistic. Having said that I probably do follow that way of parenting myself as I have co-slept with both children...but part of that is lazyiness as I can't face getting in and out of bed at night.
Yes I also wore my babies in a sling but they soon got too heavy to do this for too long. I have read some of the attachment parenting stuff and although in principle I do agree with being attentive to your child there are obviously limitations and you do need to think of your own needs.

At the end of the day a thumb or dummy is a nipple substitute but won't harm baby if you can't or don't want to have your boob stuffed in your child's mouth every time they cry. Like anything else in life its how you use it and over-use of thumb/dummy can lead to teeth problems. No one has yet reported over-use of the breast leading to any problems except for a fed up mother!

BTW how did you friend manage to wean her daughter - I am trying to get my ds weaned - he is 3.8 now ('feeding' twice a day)

www, clareandrich, expatkat - couldn't have put it better myself