How old is too old for a dummy?

[Shattered]

My ds has just turned two. He's been very good in most ways, he's always been a good sleeper and he weaned himself off the bottle when he was about 14 months. He doesn't have any other comforters except for his dummy, which I only give to him for his daytime sleep. Initially, I was hoping he would no longer be using it by the time he turned one, but he still loves having it for his nap so I keep letting it go. The trouble is that when he was very sick a few weeks ago, I let him lie on the couch with a blanket and his dummy because it seemed to comfort him, and now that he's better he's been wanting it again when he gets tired in the late afternoon. DH and I think it's best if he only has the dummy for his naps so we haven't been giving it to him, and now of course ds doesn't like this very much. I guess he'll get over it soon but I'm just wondering what others think about an appropriate age for giving up the dummy. Is he too old to still have it or do you think I should let it go for a bit longer? My MIL told me once that she hates seeing toddlers with a dummy in their mouths so I feel a bit uncomfortable with the fact that he still uses it. What do you think?

Another one against the dummy. I can't understand why you would force a dummy in a baby's mouth at such a young age and then complain when they get into the habit of it. I know force sounds such a harsh word but I have seen many a mother doing it. It isn't natural IMO. I will now run to the sidelines before I get shot down.

Well to put a cat amoung the pigieons(SP?) so to speak, ds (12 months) has a dummy , i never even bought one for ds1(7) i did get one for dd(5) but she never had it although she sucks her thumb and still does sometimes, but i bought a dummy for ds3 on the advice of a doctor in nicu, ds was 11 wks prem, at this gestation they cannot suck swallow and breath at the same time so sucking a dummy can help to practice the fine art of sucking and breathing together, and yes i did say i wouldnt allow him to have it for longer than necessary, but it does not always work out that way, i suppose if your a mum of 1 than maybe you have the time and patients to allow a baby to scream for hours and not allow him to have the one thing that comforts him the most, i have had nosey (sorry to offend) old ladys come up to me and practically tell me of for "forcing" a dummy into his mouth well just to make things clear, i have never and would never force or even give ds his dummy unless he really wanted it, i dont think a dummy is no worse than allowing a child to carry around a dirty blanket or teddy to comfort them.

My brother sucked his thumb and gave himself terrible injuries when his bottom teeth came in. My Mum couldn't take his thumb away so he ended up with a nasty recurring infection.

As for FORCING a dummy into childs mouth??! Please be real about this. I suffered from PND and my ds was very demanding. When it came down to the option of either topping myself, throwing him out of the window or giving him a dummy so I could get some peace I vote for a dummy anyday!!!

PLUS Something much worse than a 4 year old with a dummy that you can take off of them is an 8 year old who sits in class and sucks his thumb (2 in my class)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not all of us are so in control and have such well behaved babies that they never need soothed with a dummy.

While I see where you're coming from Mum2Toby your last sentence implies that those of us who have children who didn't have a dummy are somehow negligent or putting our children at risk. DS did not have or need (IMO) a dummy.

Gosh I must have a weird child.... Never had a dummy, never sucked her thumb, doesn't have a blanket, toy or any other comforter. I did demand feed for 11 months don't know if that makes a difference.

Only as weird as mine Forest. He is exactly the same apart from I only demand fed for three months before mixed feeding.

Same here forest, only I didn't demand feed - was breastfed on a GF routine for 8 months (cue background boos and hisses). Think it's more down to temperment tbh. Ds didn't really want any comfort to sleep - we tried a dummy out of desperation and he refused it, we tried rocking, singing etc... none of that worked. He would just howl for 5-10 minutes (which always felt like an eternity) before dropping off to sleep - that was until he "learned" to go to sleep without the crying either...

I knew this thread would start to get contentious .... for the record, despite having an only child, I did not have the 'patience' to listen to my DS cry for hours which is why I did controlled crying at 3 weeks (yes, 3 weeks) - but I've already been ticked off on mumsent for doing that!! To get back to the original question, it was how old is too old for a dummy - which in my opinion would be approx 12 months (if they needed one in the first place - which is, of course, no reflection on the parent).

I gave my DS a dummy aged 4 weeks when he was waking in between feed at night, result he slept through the night from there onwards. From the age of about 8 months he has only had it at night. aged 3 he still has his dummy at night, it is still a comfort for him, he is a very good sleeper and hardly ever night wakes. Like mum2toby I had bad PND and it was a great comfort to me that I had a good nights sleep.

In answer to the question how old is to old?, when the child no longer wants it, I won't be taking it of him until he feels ready to give it up, I am sure he wont be having friends sleeover when he is at school and has a dummy.

Bozza - I have reread my post numerous times and can't see how my last sentence implies anything other than some children can settle without a dummy or their thumb and some can't! I was against dummies before ds was born!! But after a few weeks of him waking every hour and a half during the night and with my PND in full flow I resorted to dummies. Plus he was rooting for his thumb and after the horror story about my brother sucking his thumb I didn't want a repeat performance.

I wasn't trying to be contentious or argumentative, I was merely pointing out that some of us are not lucky enough to have a child that is content with no soother.

My dd was exactly the same as GeorginaA's ds. We too tried a dummy out of desperation when she was about 5weeks but she didn't know what to do with it by then. I think on hindsight for my No2 I will use it - even though I was dead against it, but I do think it does bring them comfort. However I'd prob aim to get rid of it early (before 6months) as I really don't want any sleep associations with it - which was my main fear in using one for dd in the first place. But then again what you plan and actually do is another thing

My sister used to suck her thumb too until she was around 10 years !(She had terrible teeth though as a result) Her ds is a thumb sucker. She was against using a dummy but thinks her ds looks cute thumb sucking and says that she is not going to discourage it.

I think at the the end of the day how long your child has a dummy is up to the parent and child. If they are comfortable with it and is not causing any adverse effects (eg delay in speech) I can't see a problem. Although I have to admit I don't like seeing kids with dummies but each to their own. But you'll always get someone who disapproves of how you bring your children up whatever you do.

For the record Mum2Toby I didn't have one of those children that didn't need anything to settle - he sucks his thumb. As for horror stories of thumb sucking well I sucked my thumb as a child and as the dentist told me last week I have great teeth and no problems. My cousin on the other hand has crooked teeth and she had a dummy. I thought the dentists had come to the conclusion sucking thumbs did no harm whatsoever to the teeth? Thats another argument anyway. BTW I have seen mothers pushing a dummy into a chld's mouth that really didn't want it in there, they've spat it out and the mothers just shove it back in.
I perhaps should have gone on a bit more to say (I was at work so I got disturbed mid-flow) that you have three choices with dummies as with all habits. You go cold turkey, stop it gradually or just continue until the child no longer wants it. Children soon find other ways to comfort themselves as with adults. At the end of the day Shattered if you're happy with your ds having a dummy then fine don't worry about what your MIL (or any of us for that matter) say, after all its nothing to do with us. I am just very anti dummies and I shouldn't have got dragged into this thread sorry.

I'm another one against the dummy.

When ds1 was about 2 weeks old I was stressed to the hilt with his constant crying and staggered to Lilliputs all stinky & stressed & bought a pair. I probably didn't even bother to sterilize it first!

Anyway, he had it quite happily, but as he got older dh & I hated seeing him with it. I was due to have 2nd child when he was 17 months old, and neitherI nor dh wanted him to carry on having it until he was older, so one day while he was napping we threw them all in the bin - he was I suppose about 14 months old. I am sooooo glad we did it. He didn't seem that bothered and we only had maybe a day of whinging. We'd talked about it for a while, and i just wish we'd done it sooner.

On another board someone asked about getting their kid to give up the dummy, and lots of people commented that the dummy is actually more for the parent than the child. Most people agreed with this, and I do too. I see so many mothers using the dummy just to shut their child up, and I don't like this at all. Obviously there are cases, eg premies which are special circumstance & the dummy is beneficial, but majority not.

I also disagree that lots of people have said along the lines better a dummy than a thumb. It's not an 'either/or' situation. when we took away ds's dummy that was that. He has never sucked his thumb, or blankey, or teddy.

when ds2 came along I did try him with a dummy but he just didn't want to know so that was that. He's never had one, nor blankey, teddy....

I have 2 friends who did 'force' their babies to take a dummy. They love their children & I'm not saying otherwise, but mum2toby seemed to poo poo this idea, and I have seen it in action. They even said they had to 'force' (their words) their babies to learn how to take it. In fact, if I'm honest, I tried to force ds2 to have it - I hated the fact that I couldn't 'shut him up' with it when he was a baby in the way I could ds1. Luckily I came to my sences & accepted the fact that he just didn't want it.

Another thing, I'm always surprised when I read people saying 'dd (aged 2 or 3 or 4 or whatever) still has one but only for naps/sleeping'. I thought this was one time you shouldn't let them have a dummy? I know when ds had his, we didn't give it to him in bed.

Oh, and last thing - I look back at the baby pics & I hate seeing ds 1 with a dummy in, I really think it spoils his baby pics, and I don't have this at all with ds2. And why do they make them so hideous? Great big pink plastic pigs???

Before I had kids I swore... MY 3-year-old would be completely out of the pushchair and walking everywhere, MY kids would not repeatedly wake me up at night after 6 months old, MY kids wouldn't have a dummy.

HAHHAHHAAA.. .then the reality of motherhood struck. Mind you, their dummy is my boob, but they don't go to sucking thumb when breast is withdrawn, either. Not that I would mind if they did suck thumbs, though. BIG DEAL!?

I can enver understand why people can be so much against something or pro as a matter of principle...

I did not have any predetermined feelings about dummies before I had dd. I tried one when she was only days old as she was very demanding but she didn't like it. Then she foound her thumb and happily sucked her thumb until 18 months, when she discovered the dummy.
I never tried to interfere with either of her habits.

I think sucking is a basic need of all babies, it's the best way they know to confort themselves, so why take it away from, whatever shape it is??? Or for that matter, why take away any sort of comfort??

I was particulalry concerned about teht humb sucking as I did suck my thumb until I was 11, and I have minor problems at my jaw (nothing that bothers me though). But I read in most books that it is quite safe until the age of 4.

Honestly, as much as we'd all prefer a baby who does not need anything to confort themselves, the vast majority do need something so WHY take it away from them just because we don't like the sight of it??????

Do you never eat chocolate for comfort perfectly aware that's bad for you??

Zebra, buttercup I have to agree with you both - WHAT is the big deal here? WHY are we agonizing over this???

here, here webmum. I think we've come back to the subject of the thread 'circumsion, yes or no' that essentially you shouldn't judge other people and what they choose for their children since you do not know about their circumstances. Dummies, sucking fingers/thumbs raises such passions in people but ultimately it is their decision. I just don't think its right to say things like "i am anti dummies" or similar - would you comment so strongly about other aspects of a parental decision? For the record, I'm not defending dummies or thumb sucking, I just think it can sound so judgemental to dismiss other peoples choices so strongly.

Well said Katieorcket and Webmum.

I do feel that some comments made in other threads are now affecting how certain people are being treated in other, comlpetely different threads!! It's awful.

It's human nature for people to have their vices. Just cause it aint ciggies or vino - doesn't mean that children can't get addicted to things too?! But if you don't have a dummy, then chances are it's a favorite toy, or a blanket, or some such other thing. I couldn't ever get DD to suck on a dummy (but believe me I tried, cause she was such a bad daytime napper). I put it down to being b/f but even now on a bottle, she can't get the hang of it - although there is one in her box of tpys which she plays with occasionally! She even has a spare teat which she sucks on occasionally for fun!

ALL mums love their children, and ALL mums want whats best for their children AND for them! If there isn't a balance, one or other would suffer.

DO AS YOU WANT OR NEED TO! DON'T EVEN ASK THE QUESTION! And let's all make a pact to never make off-the-cuff remarks to any other mums (or dads) about any subject, just cause ours didn't do something that way... Plenty of other threads on bottle vs breast, or terries vs disposables for instance are always full of "make your own choice" remarks. There's no reason why this one should be any different.

Batters - My GOD the nerve of her!! You must've wanted to slap her face!

I wonder if the use of dummies/thumbs is a cultural thing? I just don't see babies here in Jakarta sucking either of them. I'm sure I read somewhere (Mumsnet??) that babies who are 'worn' all the time don't tend to need anything to suck and certainly virtually all babies here live their first couple of years in a sling.

FWIW, my No1 sucked two fingers, gave it up at 5yo; No's 2&3 sucked nothing; No 4 found her thumb at 18mths and is still sucking it at 7yo. It is affecting her brand new teeth so I would like her to stop now. I've resorted to Stop'n'Grow but as soon as it wears/washes off, she starts sucking again.

I b/f my baby and used to have her in one of those slings most of the time too, so I'm not sure that is anything to do with it. She sucked her thumb as soon as she found out how to put it in her mouth! Then her thumb started getting really sore, red and dry so we weaned her onto a dummy at 6 months. Today we have just managed (so far!) to wean her off one. It was getting annoying having to get up at night to find the damn thing, and it was smelly! So we have had a 'big girl' day as big girl's don't need dummies. We planned it a week in advance and told dd all about it. Then this morning she threw the dummy in the bin and we went shopping for a new toy. She has just had her nap, and whilst she was a bit restless, she didn't ask for her dummy once.

I did use a sling until about 4 months (my poor back!) so maybe it did have something to do with it? Who knows!

suedonim - yes it is a cultural thing -

"Once the baby is born, however, the suckling instinct is supposed to be directed toward the breast, to get the child nutrition and immunities, and the sucking itself lowers the baby's heart rate and blood pressure. While it can be convenient for the parents to have the baby suck on their thumb or fingers or pacifier (like in the car on trips, or when mother is trying to cook dinner) it nevertheless is clear from both cross-cultural and cross-species field studies that, given complete contact with mother and free access to the breast on demand, human children (and young of our close relatives, the great apes) do not suck on their thumbs or fingers. I never saw a child in Mali sucking its thumb or fingers, in almost three years of watching/observing/studying mother-child interactions. Likewise, thumb sucking is reported to be completely absent from cultures such as the Navajo, in highland Papua New Guinea, Ecuador, the Peruvian Andes, Mexico, Nepal, India, Tanzania, Botswana, and South Africa. A number of other ethnographic studies of breastfeeding don't mention thumb sucking one way or another." (Katherine Dettwyler)

We tried ds with a dummy, he tried half heartedly a few times but didn't like it. Liked the real thing too much. Haven't even bothered to try with dd.

Dummies don't really bother me either way but to be perfectly honest I don't like to see an older child, ie maybe aged 3 with a dummy in public - I just wonder what others would think if I was to breastfeed my 3 year old in public!!!