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Original poster

Help with logical consequences

12 replies

Whattodowithaminute · 07/07/2018 09:06

I’m trying to implement more logical consequences in our household. DS1 likely has some
Significant attachment issues and this has been suggested as a positive route to support managing these. What would you do in this situation;
DS1 (6) and Ds2 (5) conflict whilst I was out of the room. DS1 has bitten DS2. DS2 came to tell me of incident-has a mark obvious bite.
DS1 lies and says but DS2 bit me too-no mark at all, try to remove DS1 to ask what has happened.
He hits me, pinched me, scratched me, I offered reassurance of love and that I was trying to find out what had happened. Physically continues to lash out and also starts with saying ‘I hate you’ etc. I’ve had to put him somewhere within sight so that he can calm down but be away from us as he’s still lashing out... what do I as a logical consequence for verbal tirade and physically hurting me and DS2? Really need support and advice...

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 07/07/2018 10:24

I'm afraid I have always said "if i didn't see it, I can't say much" otherwise it's too risky that one would get blamed when innocent.

I tend to tell both off if I'm not sure what happened.

Original poster
Whattodowithaminute · 07/07/2018 10:30

That’s interesting ajas I struggle with that when there’s clear evidence of a bite-Hitting and scrapping generally I can and would do. Maybe I’m hyper vigilant to the biting. We had an awful first 2 years with DS1 biting-I see this as a never event but maybe have unrealistic expectations-i honestly don’t know. I think other people are much less are/have been less tolerant to biting versus hitting for example...

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 07/07/2018 10:44

Well I've seen it as a passing phase. It's not nice for sure but it's not freakish in small children.

Also, as there was no evidence to the contrary, you have to some extent, to believe or at least be SEEN to believe a child accusing another of hurting them.

So when DS said his brother also hurt him, just because there were no marks, you can't say "I don't believe you" can you?

If you KNOW that one child is more likely to hurt another and it happens regularly, then I just would not leave them alone.

I'd take one child with me to another room for example.

Not ideal but better than injuries.

Original poster
Whattodowithaminute · 07/07/2018 10:57

I understand your point ajas I just hate the lying. He did lie; he has since admitted it. DS2 didn’t and wouldn’t bite, I originally tried to understand what DS2 had done to DS1 to provoke the response in order to offer support to DS1 but I suppose he just felt threatened and shut down; it always escalates so quickly...
Maybe if I’d just said I didn’t see it like ou recommend then it wouldn’t have had the chance to escalate at all. Oh this parenting lark is tricky....

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 07/07/2018 12:36

What were you doing when this fight happened OP? Just trying to see if there;s a pattern....usually, this kind of thing is for attention. Had younger DS been having a lot of attention? Or was he due to do something special which might have triggered DS1?

Original poster
Whattodowithaminute · 07/07/2018 15:31

Going for a wee... they were playing happily and then something minor might happen followed by quick escalation- it happens most days... loo upstairs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodowithaminute · 07/07/2018 15:35

No special attention one way or the other, we had all been baking together for the school fair. Have another DS too- just under 2.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 08/07/2018 07:05

If you leave two children in a room together and one comes out with bite marks, it's 99% that the one with bite marks was bitten by the other one. Punish the biter, firmly. How likely is it that the other one is biting himself?

Original poster
Whattodowithaminute · 08/07/2018 08:16

pengggwn I see that DS1 did the biting. I know that and he hasn’t denied it. What I’m asking for support with is; what is the consequence? Does he get a consequence for the biting or hurting me as well. I know some people won’t ascribe to this parenting style we are going to try but everything I’ve read (and his chool therapist) indicates my oldest child has attachment problem underlying the anger, lying, lashing out. We need to try and make him better and putting him in his bedroom as we would have done previously is suggested as one of the worst things we can do.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 08/07/2018 09:05

Of course he needs a consequence. I would be quite skeptical of anyone suggesting a child has an 'attachment problem'. What makes you say this is the case? My understanding of a lack of attachment is that this happens under extreme circumstances - a child who has been abandoned, essentially, and been unable to form a bond with a primary caregiver. Apologies if that is the case. If it is, very few MNs will be able to give reasonable advice.

rainingcatsanddog · 08/07/2018 09:15

Were you going to allow them to eat a sample of the baked goods or luck the bowl?
The biter can't bite into the cake as he's bitten his brother instead. Teeth are for eating

This will puss him off but 6 is far too old to resort to biting out of anger unless there were extreme circumstances like ds2 daring him to be a vampire or something.

AjasLipstick · 10/07/2018 02:31

You should never use food as a punishment or reward. It fosters an unhealthy attitude towards eating.

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