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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Sexual Behavior At Nursery. Help!

19 replies

adviceneededplease · 24/05/2007 12:45

Ok, a reglar I promise but I know a couple of mumsnetters from school so am name changing.
DD is nearly 4 and at school Nursery. I got called in today to discuss her behavior! Aparently there is a particlar boy at school whowas very nasty to her at 1st but now they are friends.
Today they were seen playing 'mums and dads' he was on top of her and they were 'Girating' Also they said she took him in the toilets and he pulled her knickers down. Now they are saying it was her taking him in the toilets but when I asked her she said X wanted me to go in the toilet. He has some speech problems so I am not sure how much the Nursery could ask him.
The nursery teacher asked them why they were in there and she said DD4 said 'I like it, it tickles'
I am crying writing this because I am so bloody paranoid about abuse (I was abused by a family member when younger) So am now sickened at how she knows i tickles. Yes I know she could have discovered herself but what if?????
The other thing is she said to the teachers they were playng mums and dads. Now me and dh are not prudish we openly show affection but she has never walked in on us having sex and not seen it on the telly. The most she has seen is an affectionate cuddle

Sorry this is long, I am just not sure how to handle it? Haven't told Dh yet, think he will be worried that she was easily led at Nursery. I am not too worried about who led who but what to do next?
The Nursery seemed mortified and I felt like they were accusing me of teaching my daughter how to behave in this way

OP posts:

elsieanjoanne · 24/05/2007 12:55

stay calm it could be something that the little boy encouraged her to do!
you should explain to her that those bits are her bits and no one else is allowed to touch them, when we was young we used to call them my zones and no one was allowed in my zones! this worked with us i know how you feeling as i too was abused by my stepdad so i am very wary with boys men by my dd who nearly 1. I also think explaining to your dd that she should never keep secretes from you or dh as this is how i was abused i was told its our secrete! hope this helping

squeakybub · 24/05/2007 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kittylette · 24/05/2007 13:00

She may just know it tickles from her touching herself, from nappy changes .. ect, dont panick that she has been abused, please, its unlikely.

Children pick things up very easily, she may've seen something on the telly briefly or this boy couldve lead her as he has seen something on TV at his home.

I think nursery are overreacting, i remember playing 'boyfriends & girlfriends' a female friend when i was small, kissing ect

its just exploration,

they dont nessecerially see it as sexual. Its just a game and it 'feels good' in the same way a hug would to a toddler.

You need to discuss it with your husband and go into the nursery and talk to them together.

Rhubarb · 24/05/2007 13:02

I would report back to the nursery and ask why two children were in the toilets unsupervised. They are trying to pin the blame on you because they know they are in the wrong. They are reponsible for your children whilst your kids are at the nursery. They should have kept at eye on what was going on.

I would also talk to the mother of the boy and explain what has happened, ask her what her son has said about it and explain that you are worried. No doubt she'll be mortified by it all too.

Your dd will forget all about this if you don't make a big deal about it, but perhaps now is the time to explain to her that those bits that are covered by her bikini are private and she shouldn't let anyone touch those bits.

Tortington · 24/05/2007 13:02

completely normal - the nursery are IMO acting in a very victorian manner.

my attitude would be to ignore or discourage this type of behaviour. and tell them to get a grip.

its really not as outragous as you think IMO

Rhubarb · 24/05/2007 13:04

And I agree that you shouldn't jump to conclusions. These children are very young and you'll never know what really happened. They are curious about their bodies. Let her prance around the house naked, let her be confident in who she is, very often if she always has clothes on then she will get curious about those bits that are covered up.

lulumama · 24/05/2007 13:10

what rhubs & custy said

the nursery probably seemed mortified becasue 2 children should not have been in the toilet together unsupervised

and most 3 and 4 year olds will have discovered that touching their genitals tickles / feels nice

it is not sexual at that age, please don't be upset that she has discovered her private parts.....it is a normal part of the growing up process

sorry this has brought back bad memories for you

Original poster

adviceneededplease · 24/05/2007 13:19

Thanks ladies

Just been speaking to dd4 and she said the knickers down thing was outside, they went to the toilet together yesterday because 'they both needed a wee' and the playing mums and dads bit was in the book corner. So Nursery probably are being a bit ott. Dh is going to the school later today. I can't coz I will be in pieces

It probably is my past which makes me worry more and to be honest it's my worst nightmare if it happens to my girls

OP posts:

hex · 24/05/2007 15:26

My dd started school at 4 (like many others I assume). It's not unusual for children at that age to be sent to the toilets in pairs (admittedly same sex, so one doesn't get scared or lost on the way). In fact, in reception year, this is common practice at dd's school. I'm not sure then it's a matter of unsupervised toiletting as they might be getting nursery kids ready for next year. I'm surprised about the gyrating stuff which does seem to indicate a knowledge (on the boy's part) beyond what I think kids might have access to at that age. I could understand touching and tickling - and would put this down to exploration, I think..but the 'on top of each other' seems a bit odd. Have you spoken with the parents of the other child? Do you think you could? I do think that the nursery ought to have a thought-out policy on inappropriate behaviour that they enact on the spot to teach that it is unacceptable without making the kids feel uncomfortable...perhaps ask them what it is?

Vikkin · 24/05/2007 15:52

Please don't be in pieces. There are lots of us who are desperate to protect our children from rotten things that happened to us when we were small, including myself.
It's really hard to judge what's normal and what's not when you're in our position. With Ds, I could always ask his dad. With Dd. it's down to me. I have to accept that certain things she will discover for herself. I have to accept that not everyone is as discerning and careful as we are about what their kids are exposed to. Last year at playgroup a boy kept trying to play what he called 'tummies' with my Dd. She was at a bit of a loss. The nursery staff spoke to the other mum involved and luckily she addressed it promptly, IME most mothers will. But I quickly started to work on 'personal space' with Dd.

colditz · 24/05/2007 15:54

I know I fiddled when I was 3 and 4 (and 5 and 6 for that matter!)

And I wasn't ever sexually abused, in any way.

honestly, she has probably just found out it feels nice!

hippmummy · 24/05/2007 16:05

hi adviceneededplease, sorry you've had a shock and I hope you'll soon discover it was all innocent kids development.

As a side issue, its been mentioned that children at nursery shouldn't go to the toilet unsupervised. Why is that? At my son's preschool they are allowed to go to the toilet themselves if they can manage it. Should he not be able to?

Thanks

Oblomov · 24/05/2007 16:17

I played Doctors and nurses with my male friend from a very early age. Looking at our 'bits'.
I do think it is very normal, but can of course appreciate that this is very sensitive to you.

I think the nursery are trying to blame you for nothing and that raises questions in itself.
Rhubarbs post summarises my feeelings exactly.
Talk to your dh and then to the nursery.

What a shame.

toadstool · 24/05/2007 23:01

Make sure the nursery speak to the boy's mother - he may have learned stuff from older cousins, friends, etc. We had a bad incident with DD because an older boy (4.5 yrs) was doing something on those lines, and it frightened her - quite a different matter. The nursery worked with us, got the children talking about personal space, observed toilet behaviour, and reported back to us daily until we felt DD was OK. I got the HV involved and she did a home visit. If you think the incident was serious, it's worth making sure the nursery know about it.

fireflyfairy2 · 24/05/2007 23:15

adviceneededplease, how did your Dh get on at the school?

Original poster

adviceneededplease · 24/05/2007 23:51

He didn't get home from work in time. He is going to ring tomorrow.
Am so tired with it all going round in my head This parenting lark sure isn't easy

OP posts:

WK007 · 24/05/2007 23:56

Also think its totally normal, but could easily blow up if the adults concerned, eg nursery make a huge thing of it and then the kids feel there's something wrong.

I had a totally non-abusive childhood but when I was 3/4 I went to play with the boy next door and came home and graphically told my mum and dad all about his 'sausage bottom', they basically said 'that's nice but we keep those bits private' and that was it, no big deal and I got the message (at some point) that there was nothing terribly wrong but it wasn't the done thing to show each other.

Busybean · 24/05/2007 23:58

I sympathise, i was abused and i get nervous too. My son plays with next doors son and i found them in his tent the other day with not bottoms/pants/nappy on....that was enought to make me feel sick

nappyaddict · 25/05/2007 00:49

i know when i was about 5 me and my friends would play doctors and nurses and look at one anothers bits. and sometimes yes there was touching but that was with a female friend not a male friend. i think it is very normal. and yes i had learnt for myself that it felt nice. hence my favourite thing at the park being the firemans pole

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