Do i buy 2.5 year old the toy still, even though he didn't do as he was told? I don't know how to parent :(

[WhyTheHeckMe]

Having a bit of a nightmare. Feeling very bad on ds1 who is 2.5. Has always been such a lovely happy boy and since we had ds2 9 weeks ago we've tipped his world upside down.
Anyway the biggest battles we've faced the last few weeks is sending him to nursery and sleep
I totally get his regression and he must feel so sad but we're trying so hard to include him. Our 8 week old is asleep all the time and isn't demanding of our attention at all but I think ds1 hates knowing he sleeps in our bedroom and is with me at home while he's at nursery.
Recently it's been taking 2 hours or so to get him to bed as we tuck him in and read him a story and walk out and he follows us and then the fun begins as we spend hours putting him back only for him to be straight back out again
Last night I told him if he stayed in bed he would get the toy car he has been eyeing up. He was so excited but unfortunately we had another bad night and I ended up telling him off for coming out constantly (i felt awful). I told him he was not having his car now.
This morning I've dropped him off at nursery and watched him fight back the tears in his eyes while his lips was quivering, all because they told him if he goes in with no crying like he used to then he gets a sticker.
It's broken my heart and peering at him through the door really broke me. I've realised how vulnerable he is and now I'm tempted to go and buy the car but then am I rewarding bad behaviour?

I just don't know what to do. Do I have to be firm and put my foot down or should I be offering treats and extra love and reassurance at this time? ! Please help!

If you want to build up his confidence then I would set challenges that are easier for him to achieve then try the staying in bed all night challenge later. Sibling

You mention "we" do I'm assuming that you have a partner or husband. I would personally sleep train using gradual withdrawal method. Mummy or Daddy stays in the room while he falls asleep. No talking, eye contact or coming out of bed. Over time, the position where mummy or daddy sits gets closer and closer to the door until one day you can leave the door ajar and stay upstairs tidying etc while he goes to sleep.

In his mind, negative attention is attention diverted from the baby so hopefully having mummy or daddy sit with him giving no attention will make him feel better than mummy or daddy downstairs and giving the baby all of their attention.

DOnt bribe your kid to do things like go to bed and go in quiet to nursery because he will expect a toy Everytime for things he does everyday, then you’d have a room full of toys. Rather reward him with pocket money at the end of the week to save up so your teaching him the value of money and he rewards himself at end of month to buy what he wants.
5p everytime he brushes his teeth.
50p for tidying away his toys ect
And let him put it in a jar. If he doesn’t do that then he doesn’t get anything and you won’t feel bad.
Your wee one is being jealous of the baby and that’s normal..he was your number 1 attention for over 2 years now he has to share his mummy and daddy. But he will get used to it esp when he and the baby gets older and his brother becomes best friends

He sounds very lovely and just needs your unconditional love. I'd take material things out of the equation for now. Stop bribing him and accept his feelings. I know it's so hard when you have a new baby but frankly, if bad bedtimes and tears at drop off are the only issue you have you have got off lightly. My DC1 HATED me for the best part of a year after DC2 arrived and acted up in every way possible.

It's bloody awful he's being rewarded with a sticker at nursery for being an emotionless unfeeling bot though. He's a tiny boy and his world's just been turned upside down. And he has to hold his feelings in?? WTF. It's not the 1950s!

A few links you might like to read: www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sarah-ockwellsmith/the-problem-with-rewards-and-sticker-charts_b_9827014.html

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2012/jan/17/boys-cry-male-suicide-dean-windass

I would take rewards out completely. You’re right that he’s not behaving like this to be “naughty”, he’s doing it because he’s sad and wants more of your attention.

So for nursery I would acknowledge his feelings “I know you feel sad when I go, but you have a lovely time here, doing xyz while I’m going to be (insert dull task) and then when I pick you up, how about we (insert fun thing he likes). Then big cuddle and smile.

With bedtime again, I’d acknowledge his feelings “you probably feel like you’re missing out on being in bed, but it is bedtime now and you need to stay in bed”. And then if he keeps getting up I would just quietly pick him up each time, tuck in with a friendly but non responsive face (no chatting and minimal attention) a quick hug and “love you, bedtime now” and he will learn that he doesn’t get that attention from getting up.

Small children feel that any attention is better than no attention, so a kind yet firm mum is what he needs.

It’s hard though, I have the same age gap and it’s super hard at first but mine are now 5 and 7 and are currently snuggled up in bed together and they love each other so much and are close as can be.