What on earth do I do with DS2 - today he deliberately wee-ed in our bed??

[Birdiemum]

I am really looking for some help/insight with this one. Bit of a long post but I should explain the set up: DS2 is 4 in a couple of weeks. He has always been what they call "spirited" and a real handful. DD is 6 weeks old - and in the weeks leading up to her birth and since DS2 has become increasingly difficult. He appears to like DD and all his bolshiness, aggression, sulks and truculence are manifested for myself, DH and DS1 (aged 14 and really good with both his younger siblings). Most of it is stuff I gather other people are having with their boys of around this age - deliberate disobedience, doing the opposite of what you say etc. DS1 did see him hit DD on the head a couple of days ago, but as she didn't seem upset it must only have been a tap. However he has started deliberately breaking things then denying all knowledge and getting quite upset when we don't appear to believe him. But this...
DH found the wet patch on my side of the bed and rapidly deduced it was wee. It took a while (DH very skilful - saying to DS2 "did you have an "accident" on our bed?") to get him to admit it. He had come up this evening, wee-ed on the bed and covered it over with a duvet. This is a bright boy, who has been dry for a long time. This really worries me. We haven't got cross with him/or spoken to him about it yet as he was too tired (it was past his bedtime) and I am wondering how I will handle it tomorrow.
What is he trying to tell us/me?? I know he feels pushed out because of DD - for instance he always used to come into our bed for cuddles in the morning but now DD is usually in there, having been brought into our bed for her early morning feed. But what on earth should I do about it?
At the moment DD sleeps in a cradle in our room. We only have 3 bedrooms but I can't imagine ever trusting DS2 to share with DD at this rate. I feel really alienated from DS2 right now. I am very close to DS1 but DS2 has always been, for want of a better word, "challenging". I have to go to bed now, but wanted to post while DD was asleep. Will bump/check again tomorrow for any feedback. Thanks in advance for any light anyone can shed on this odd behaviour...

I suspect your answer is in your own question 'I feel really alienated from DS2 right now.'

Try as we might we cannot keep our feelings for our children from them. I strongly suggest that DS2 is feeling your retraction of love from him and onto your new DD and is simply very jealous - although that might not be conscious jealousy.

I don't think saying anything other than, our bed stinks of wee, to him in the morning makes sense. The issue would be too long removed from the act to make any sense of it for him.

I think that what would work best is for you to strive for a love fest with your DS2 (fake it if you need to) where he is the centre of your world for a few days until he rebalances.

Personally, I'd make sure that DD is returned to her cradle in the morning before DS2 arrives for cuddles so that he doesn;t always feel the need to compete for time with you.

Dogsbollox - I woke up this morning thinking the exact same things as you said - and even said this to DH. That is what we are going to do - and try harder than ever. I know that this approach is the right one but have not always been able to sustain it in the face of DS2 continually pushing the envelope. This time we're going to hang on in there.

Even though DD is in your bed, would it not be possible for DS2 to come in too? I am sure that DS (who was 3.3 then) used to come into our bed when DD was a newborn.