I feel like a terrible mum!

[Cheeseandpickle1]

Hello lovely people,

My DS is nearly 2yr old and does seem advanced for his age he knows the names of animals and is great with colours, he also gets bored very quickly! And needs entertainment 24/7 He never really plays by himself, or if he does it’s only for a tiny period of time. He wants to be stuck to my hip all day. Which is pretty difficult now as I am 28 weeks pregnant with baby #2.

My DH always tells me that I shouldn’t of picked him up so much as a newborn and this is why he is so clingy now. DS was breastfed on demand and as many of you can probably relate, there was rarely a moment when he wasn’t attached to my bloody boob! So I find it hard to accept that its my fault I held him so much when really I didn’t have much choice in the matter!

DS is extremely attached to me and the mornings are the worst as the minute he opens his eyes the whinging begins. I got him his own toddler table and chair in hopes that it would make him feel more independent, he is fully capable of feeding himself but will scream the house down if I don’t spoon feed him his cereal, or he will throw it on the floor. He never seems to be like this around my DH but tbh he isn’t around enough to test this anyway, he works away a lot.

I’m currently staying with my parents for now as my partner is away for work, its a life saver for me as I’m getting a lot of support from my mum. Although I can’t help but feel bad for her as DS is really going through that “terrible twos stage” and is beginning to be a nightmare, he hardly ever naps, every meal time is a drama and he only eats what he wants which is extremely limited because he is so bloody fussy!! He won’t even look at a piece of veg.
He wants to climb on the glass coffee table and when I tell him no and take him off he throws himself to the floor and has a huge meltdown & not to mention bedtime, that’s a fucking joke! I’m upstairs trying to settle him for no less than 2 hours before he actually nods off.

Sorry to drag on but DS has also been attending nursery 4 days a week for the morning sessions since he was 16months. I have recently increased his hours and he is full time from 9-3pm this is solely for my sanity as I’m beginning to feel like I can’t cope, thats probably because I’m tired from the pregnancy too, I’m struggling with the lack of sleep from the constant need to pee in the night, plus DS and I still share a bed and he ends up in all sorts of positions, his favourite is when his big solid head is digging into my lower back!

I am scared of having this new baby, I genuinely can’t wait to meet it but I’m just nervous that my toddler will get worse. We don’t know the gender and we aren’t planning on whereas with DS we had several gender scans from 14 weeks! We knew what his name was going to be from very early. This pregnancy I haven’t even thought of any names and I just haven’t even had a moment to think of the new baby.

I am starting to feel like a bad mum because I just have no patience with him. I feel relieved when he is at nursery. I am shouting a lot more and loosing my rag with him. I’m completely sleep deprived and I feel low on energy all of the time. It’s the constant whining and dragging off my leg that I struggle with plus the sudden outburst of tantrums. He tantrums no less than 3 times a day and they are bad!

Firstly, congratulations on your PG

I’m not sure why your DH thinks this is your fault. What would have been the alternative to picking him up as a baby? Would he have preferred to let him cry himself to exhaustion? Also, it’s totally normal for a two year old to be fairly attached to their DM, have tantrums and be fussy with eating. Has your DH come up with any practical help or suggestions?

I found it really difficult to tackle my the awful sleep of my DS when I was exhausted myself. Could you sleep while he’s at Nursery this week so that you’re not so exhausted? I’d also read the No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers. If you can, read it this week and I’d recommend making a plan to tackle his sleep next weekend. You really need him settling by himself more quickly and to be sleeping on his own long before baby number 2 arrives. Could he simply be overtired too? He’s spending long days in Nursery, not napping and waking in the night. If the multiple wakes for a wee are a problem, could you leave a potty by his bed and a night light on and let him deal with it himself or just put him in a nappy at night?

As for the coffee table, it’s totally normal for them to tantrum when they don’t get their own way. What do you do when he throws himself on the floor? If the table is a huge issue, could your Mum remove it for a few days? If the tantrums are really bothering you, have a read of Calm Parents, Happy Kids.

As for feeding him, please stop. I’m assuming you all eat together, if not I’d start. Serve the food to everyone at the table. Eat yours and let him eat his. You simply can’t spoon feed a toddler and look after a newborn and it’s best that he gets used to feeding himself before the baby arrives. Serve the food, eat yours and let him get on with his. He may tantrum but I’d just ignore, ignore and ignore some more. We have a rule that our children can’t remove anything from their plate but they don’t have to try everything. So if he’s resistant to veg, I’d still serve it. Another alternative is putting the food out and letting everyone, including him, serve themselves. There a great guide on nutrition for 1 to 4 year olds published by the Caroline Walker Trust here which may help.

If his behaviour is worrying you, I’d talk to his keyworker about your concerns and how he is at Nursery. It might be worth doing the M-Chat test too, just for your own peace of mind

Let us know how you get on this week

Just read the start of your post again and realised that he’s not quite 2 yet. Serving himself might be a bit difficult, but you can always try him with it.

JiltedJohnsJulie
Thank you so much for your kind advice. I do think I need to rest more when he is at nursery, I struggling to switch off for a daytime nap but I know for my own well-being that’s what I need to do.

I agree I totally want my son to eat by himself, I think I feel awkward right now because of staying at my parents house they’ve just moved to a totally new refurbished house and I always worry that he will dash his cereal or food against the wall or all over the rug!

As for my DH I don’t know what it is really but he does do this all of the time he tells me that DS acts up he way he does because I don’t feed him the healthiest diet. I really do try I offer him fish with potatoes and veg and he won’t touch any of it, then at night he wakes up and stands at the door saying dinner, I try him again with the same dinner and he won’t touch it! I feel guilty so I give in and make him beans on toast etc. I think my DH just throws the blame on me at times because he doesn’t know what else to suggest. As for the “constant picking him up” he says if after he ha nursed I should straight away put him back into his cot and not to feed on demand work out a schedule, I struggled with a schedule because he would cry for the boob and I would have to give it to him. Even when I put him in his cot he would cry to be held again.

Maybe I should just ignore his tantrums, I find it so difficult and I end up pandering to him and giving in. I just find it embarrassing when he does the tantrums and we are going abroad for the first time with him for his birthday and my whole family will be there including great grandparents I’m already dreading the looks of disappointment when he throws a wobbly over nothing. I shouldn’t think like this because it makes me feel anxious I just think everyone expects him to be an angel!

I struggling to switch off for a daytime nap you need to go to bed, at least you’ll be resting. Try reading too, that can usually knock me out. I would recommend getting along to your local Bfing Support Group though. Start going now, long before baby arrives. It will give you sone time away from the home and the chance to meet sone local Mums and Mums to Be. Plus when your baby arrives, you’ll know where to ask if you have any Bfing struggles

I always worry that he will dash his cereal or food against the wall or all over the rug!. Serve his food and drinks on plastic plates and in plastic cups. The cheap type that ikea sell are fine. It’s unlike to leave a mark on a wall and rugs, walls and floors can always be cleaned. Putting a cheap shower curtain underneath where he is sitting should help keep things clean too. Praise him at every opportunity too for sitting at the table, picking up his cutlery, taking a drink etc, basically for anything he does that you want to encourage.

You say you are offering your son fish potatoes and veg, is that every night? Is that what the grown ups are having? I had to learn to cook family type meals when we had our first DC. Things you could try are things like chicken fajitas (adding natural yoghurt or mayo can cool down spicy dishes for him),toad in the hole with plenty of veg, roast dinner, fish pie with veg. The Caroline Walker Trust I linked to has sone sample menus to try. I’d always put something on his plate that you’ll know he will eat too but I definitely wouldn’t be cooking for him again in the night. Is he getting his 300ml of full fat cows milk a day too or are you Bfing?

As for your DH, why does he think you shouldn’t hold a baby and feed on schedule? Where is he getting these ideas from? The current advice is to feed all babies on demand and it’s not advised to leave babies crying and not to pick them up. Could you get him to read this on how he can support you once the new baby arrives?

You definitely need to toughen up on the tantrums. Why do you think everyone should think he’s an angel all of the time? It’s perfectly normal for toddlers to tantrum, I haven’t met one yet who hasn’t done it.

There are some great articles here on askdrsears.com on tantrums including how to try to prevent them and how to deal with tantrums in public]].

HTH

JiltedJohnsJulie

Yes maybe I should start attending some breastfeeding support groups, especially to meet some other mums that may help. I have one of those wipe down ants for under the chair I should get that out really and put that underneath his table.
I’ve always tried him with all types of food that we all eat as a family, this evening he actually ate a couple of spoonfuls of lasagna which was nice. He just refuses fish or any type of meat all of the time, it’s like he would just live off carbs. I’ve offered him chicken wraps before and he just turns his nose up, if he sees a anything along side his piece of pasta on his fork he will refuse it also. I’ve just gotten him to start eating a cheese sandwich for lunch time as they’re easy on the go.

As for milk no we stopped breastfeeding at 13 months and I tried him with full fat cows milk he would never drink it and on the occasions that I added it to his cereal and porridge his skin started to go bumpy and he seemed to have a lot of mucus so I changed his cereal to almond milk and he enjoys this but would never drink the milk from a cup. So since we stopped breastfeeding he hasn’t had any milk intake like that. He seems to be fine though I’ve taken him to the doctors and they’ve said if he doesn’t want the milk here’s nothing I can do, he is dropping weight so there’s nothing to worry about. He is good with water though.

My DH seems to think you can schedule even a newborn for feeds, eg you can feed the newborn every half an hour and get them used to a schedule. I don’t know my DS was my first so this was all new to me, I stuck to my own thoughts though and carried on feeding him on demand.

Thank you for sharing this link on how to deal with tantrums, I’m really going to check this out and see if I can approach the situation differently.

Thank you dearly
Xx

Sorry I mean he isn’t dropping weight from not drinking cows milk.

If he’s refusing milk and his skin actually went bumpy did the GP mention the possibility of Cow’s Milk Protein Allergy (CMPA)?

If he’s not having milk, it’s important that you not only replace the calcium in his diet but also the fat, good fats like oily fish and olive oil are best.

I’m glad he’s eaten some lasagne, but you say spoonfuls. Are you still feeding him? Does he have his own cutlery to use?

Your DH seems a little misinformed and outdated in his approach. Where does he get his ideas from?

Your DH is completely wrong.

It is now widely recognised that babies need lots of affection and responsive care in order to develop normally. They need to be picked up and cuddled, carried, talked to and have people responding quickly to their cries. Babies that don't get that are the ones who end up clingy and insecure later on. You did the right thing and you must make sure that you don't deprive the new baby of physical contact and affection in order to keep your DH happy.

The more you try to push a child away, the less secure they feel and the more clingy they become. Try not to push the independence beyond what he is comfortable with. Be a safe base from which he can explore the world in his own time and way and to which he can return whenever he needs to. The confidence that you will always be there is what will help him move away.

You are not a bad mum. Some children are naturally more cautious, less confident, more attached to one safe person and take longer to learn independence. He's probably doing really well in other ways and this is just the pattern of development that is right for him.

Try to give him as much control over food as you can. You provide a reasonably balanced diet, mostly of food he is happy to eat and let him decide which bits of that to have. If you're worried about whether he is getting all the nutrients he needs, ask to be referred to a dietician.

Have faith in yourself. It sounds like he's naturally a high-needs child and you have your work cut out. Don't let anyone tell you it's your fault. You don't make babies insecure by cuddling them.

Tantrums are usually a loss of control due to overwhelming emotions. Stay close and be calm. Don't talk because he won't be able to process much. Be ready to offer a cuddle when he's calmer. Also, don't allow the tantrum to make you change a decision you've made. Stick to the decision, ride the storm and be kind and reassuring when he comes through it.

Completely agree with everything Gold says.

How are you getting on today Cheese?

Perhaps something else you could try, with plenty of time before the new baby arrives, is getting DS into his own room?

He'll likely be woken by the newborn if he is still in your bed at that stage. And you can work on reducing bedtime from the 2 hrs you mentioned it takes... it definitely doesn't need to be that long! That will give you some of your time to rest back.

JiltedJohnsJulie

He hasn’t had milk since we stopped breastfeeding he seems to be fine though I’m not worried about that. I give him cheese sandwich’s for lunch at nursery and He will eat them so he is getting calcium like that. Plus he has almond milk in his porridge. Also he eats yoghurts.

He has plenty of cutlery in fact has more than three sets to choose from. He would never eat oily fish. I even offered him salon yesterday and he wouldn’t touch it so he went to bed hungry as he wouldn’t even try the boiled potatoes.
I do still spoon feed at times This is due to the constant tantrums if I don’t feed him, he will physically scream and throw himself on the floor if I don’t sit at his table on the floor and spoon feed him. Or he just scoops up the food and deliberately drops it on the floor and tbh I don’t have the money to waste food like that and to stain my carpets. It begins to be an endless cycle really.

I think you need to toughen up OP. If he tantrums and that changes your decision, all he learns is that if Mum says something and I don’t like it, I can shout and she’ll back down. Hard to deal with at 2, event harder when they’re 15 and a foot taller than you.

Goldmandra

Thank you for your advice, I agree I don’t regret hugging and cuddling my son. He is so independent on everyday tasks he wants to explore and be independent which I’ve always let him do. I love his bravery and boyish behaviour it’s just the constant whinging that I really struggle with.

Today he woke up, came down for breakfast demanding toast, because it took too long in the toaster he threw himself to the floor with his head in his arms and had an outrageous tantrum.

Tbh I’m feeling really down right now I find it totally embarrassing and I do feel sorry for my parents. They help so much with him when he has a tantrum but it almost makes him worse (the whole pandering to his every move) he genuinely thinks he runs the household.
I feel I rush at 10000miles an hour just to meet his needs. He wants cereal so I give him his cereal but he won’t eat it unless I get on the floor and spoon feed him. Then I make myself a tea and he hangs off my leg screaming. He throws my phone when an advert comes on YouTube and tbh it’s just any reason to throw a tantrum.

Next door neighbour has a daughter the same sort of age and you don’t hear a peep from her, my son you hear from morning to night other than when he is at nursery and it’s just draining to say the least. He ask for chocolate, he doesn’t get it so it turns into another full blown meltdown. I didn’t think tantrums were this bad until I started to experience them this often.

I do so much with him and i feel it’s never enough. I took him to the library to choose a book today and that turnt into another meltdown. He never eats his dinner so I always have to end up giving him pasta or beans on toast, that’s not what I want my child to live off as I have a healthy diet myself.
Sorry for the nagging I am just not enjoying motherhood right now and that makes me feel so guilty and sad.

cakeandteajustforme

I agree with you about bedtime at home he has a big bedroom with a double bed (with foam protected sides so gat he doesn’t roll out) he has a full day at nursery and they tell me he doesn’t nap at all and they try and get him down for 45 mins and it’s no use. He comes home and at dinner time around 6:30 I give him his dinner he has a bath then a book before bed and he is just relentless to switch off unless I actually fall asleep next to him. Some nights if I manage to stay awake I end up leaving him in the room for about 20 mins and he screams the whole time and tries to get out. Some may not agree with this and this was not my first choice but he will not sleep, I find after I give him that time to settle himself when I come back into the room he cuddles me and falls asleep quite soon. It’s just that constant battle of him not wanting to fall asleep by himself. Although I try and comfort him and get him to sleep with me and that still takes hours. I’ve paired for a sleep consultant to advice me on a plan and I stuck to it for two weeks and still he won’t sleep by himself and I just find it draining. I shouldn’t have to leave him by himself and hear him screaming. But I don’t know what else to do.

That does sound tough OP, especially as you are PG. Did you read the No Cry Sleep Solution book I linked to or take the M-chat test I also linked to further up the thread?

JiltedJohnsJulie

I’m going to purchase this book and give it a read thank you for the link.

I have looked at the M-Chat test, my good friends son has autism and I don’t believe DS has autism he has had several health visits and each time I’ve been told he is just strong willed and stubborn in other words, being a typical toddler testing his boundaries.

When I see him solving tasks it amazes me and he is fearless he just wants to climb things all the time, I love to see him happy and when he is happy he makes everything better but as soon as he doesn’t get his own way his behaviour plummets. He seems to be very hot headed and the slightest thing will tick him off. For example he absolutely loves planes and spots them every time they fly by (daddy is also a pilot) he has two toy planes and one of them can fit the toy pilot in the seat required, the other plane has a seat but you cannot put a toy person inside the seat. My son doesn’t understand that sometimes and ends up launching the toys on the floor and throwing his head into his arms. It’s literally like he has no patience, I know that sounds ridiculous and because what toddler really does have patience, but it’s the aggression that comes with it.
I’ve seen my friends children problem solving and I’ve never seen any of them throw the toy is rage.

He is amazing around other children and seems to get on well at nursery, I think he just gets bored quickly and doesn’t nap when we try to get him to, I can always see when he is tired and we try after lunch time. If we have been swimming he naps straight after. I wish I could take him swimming everyday but when the overtiredness kicks in and a huge meltdown commences.

I do feel like I have failed him with the sleep routines as I should of got this sorted a long time ago, he is so stubborn though when he doesn’t want to nap he simply won’t nap and he will fight off the sleep for hours on end. I’m assuming he just thinks he is missing out on something.