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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How do you teach toddlers no?

13 replies

ForeverBubblegum · 28/05/2018 18:57

DS's 19 months, so I might just be expecting to much but he has decided me saying no means he should continue what he's doing whilst repeating the word. For example:

Lying in bed waiting for him to go to sleep
DS - kicking me whilst singing "kicking, kicking, kicking"
Me - "Don't kick, mummy doesn't like that"
DS - stops, looks at me then starts again
Me - "DS. No kicking" (didn't raise voice, but tried for a stern tone)
DS - "no kicking, no kicking" whilst laughing and continuing to kick

I try not to shout, as I don't want him to be afraid of me, and at this age I don't feel any form of punishment / consequence is appropriate, So I'm not really sure what I can do.

He knows what no means and says it in context so I think he's just trying to push boundaries, but I'm at a loss about how to respond.

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ChocDollyMixture · 31/05/2018 15:45

I'd get up and walk away - he's kicking while saying the word 'kicking' so he knows what action he's doing.
It's an action you do not like so stop his legs, say 'no kicking'. If that still isn't working, say 'no kicking' and walk away.

Don't stay to be kicked. He is pushing boundaries and in a round about way that's good (!!) as shows he's developing. But very annoying (I've a 2.5 year old - my god, he's pushed some boundaries ).

Your DS won't want you to leave so explain that if he kicks, you leave. If keeps kicking keep leaving but staying away for increasing lengths of time.
(Doesn't sound as if he will, just being a little over-excited monkey at bedtime?)
Main thing being you keep very calm but firm.

Original poster

ForeverBubblegum · 31/05/2018 16:48

Hi thanks for the reply.

Should mention as I seem to have portrayed him as a violent thug, the kicking isn't malicious (as in he's not trying to hurt me), he started doing it after we went swimming and I think keeps it up because I've told him not to. Although I would like to discourage unkind behaviour, I don't think realises kicking could hurt (he not kicking hard), so at the moment my main objection is that wriggling around trying for a head shot, isn't going to sleep.

I've tried holding his legs but that seems to make it worse as he thinks we're 'play wrestling' so he gets excited and even more determined to kick. Think your right I will have to start leaving, just not looking forward to it as he's been fed/cuddled to sleep every night so screams like a banshee, even if I'm just stood next to him

OP posts:

FoxgloveStar · 01/06/2018 07:17

It’s good to have a small number of “hard no’s” that get full discipline. Ours are hitting faces, biting and going on the fireplace. These get a full sit down telling off and if not taken seriously then straight to bed.

Otherwise lower grade misdemeanours (e.g. dropping food on the floor) get a clear “no, that’s not what we do” type conversation and if continue then remove the him from the situation. Like previous poster said, if you are being kicked and don’t want to be kicked then walk away and stop the play and explain why: “kicking hurts mummy”.

FoxgloveStar · 01/06/2018 07:23

I should say by “full discipline” I mean a calm but robust conversation with us both sat on the floor about why it’s not ok and a request for a “sorry”. We started this at about 18 months when he’d been hitting at nursery and haven’t had any of the three behaviours on our list since.

PureColdWind · 01/06/2018 08:39

He's a baby with limited ability to understand or control his behaviour. I'd calmly say no kicking and distract him. Even my 6 year old finds it hard at times to do the right thing - so maybe you are expecting a little bit much from a 1 year old.

Rainatnight · 01/06/2018 13:45

Yeah, I'd just move away, with an explanation like 'I don't like being kicked'. He doesn't sound like a thug and it's not naughty, it's just one of those things.

Rainatnight · 01/06/2018 13:47

Also, maybe at this stage of his development, he's just getting more active and into play, and you being there prolongs that at night. It might be time to bite the bullet and start getting him to go asleep on his own, though it'll be hard at the beginning, as you say.

Benandhollysmum · 01/06/2018 20:46

Simple soloution if he doesn’t stop, simply get up and walk out the room without saying a word to him. You’ve told him to stop he thinks it’s funny to keep doing it so you have to show him you are not there to be kicked. Let him scream he will soon realise that mummy isn’t putting up with his bad behaviour anymore and she’s showing him whose the boss.
Obviously don’t allow him to scream for longer than 10 mins but in that 10 mins his mind will be thinking wow mums not putting up with this maybe should stop kicking her..
Once 10 mins are up go in explain to him why you left and that you will not wait for him to sleep if he continues to kick you

Rainatnight · 01/06/2018 21:28

Ten minutes is a lonnnng time at that age...

Original poster

ForeverBubblegum · 01/06/2018 22:20

Hi everyone thanks for your thoughts,

Foxglove - I like the idea of having a few 'hard rules', so I can pick my battles, I'm thinking along the lines of

Don't run off while we're out
Don't grab at the cat
Don't intentionally hurt others

The kicking itself probably wouldn't make it on to the list, it was more an example of how he's started finding it funny to keep doing thing I've told him not to.

ColdWind - until recently this had been my train of thought, the kicking itself I would just put down to him been a baby but the laughing and repeating that I've said no makes it feel more intentional. I think he's just realised not doing what he's told is an option, and is experimenting to see what will happen.

Rainatnight - I think you could be right, we're getting close to him needing to go to sleep by himself. I've tried gradual retreat but without much success, so we've decided to wait a few months until he's talking/understanding a bit better, so I can explain and give verbal reassurance.

Benandholly - I don't think I could do ten minutes, he's never been left more the 20/30 seconds. I know some people have grate success with cry it out type methods, but it's not for us. I think at DS's stage of development he'll have forgotten why I'm not there a minute or so in then be confused / distressed that know one's coming to him.

OP posts:

Benandhollysmum · 03/06/2018 11:12

10 minutes may be along time but it’s long enough to learn that being naughty is not tolerated and mummy isn’t a punchbag.10 minutes is adequate enough time. one thing is being naughty another is constantly hitting and not taking no for an answer

Rainatnight · 04/06/2018 08:54

He's 19 months. He really isn't being intentionally naughty. OP's take on it makes that clear. That's too long to leave a baby in distress, essentially as punishment, which is what you're suggesting.

Smellyjo · 04/06/2018 19:51

I think consequences at that age are ok as long as they are natural and related to what has immediately happened, i.e. 'I won't let you kick me, if you keep doing it I'm going to sit over here'. Or if you run away when we are out, you get strapped in the buggy. Etc. These points need repeated many times until learned!

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