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Help - smacking toddler!!

13 replies

LiamsMum · 17/07/2002 08:24

Hope I haven't posted about this before, but it hasn't happened for a long time and now that it's happening again, I'm really not sure how to handle it. My ds (who is 24 months) has started to smack again when he doesn't get his own way. Occasionally he will 'smack' his grandparents (he doesn't hit hard), and sometimes dh, but mostly he does it to me. If dh tries to stop ds from doing something or if he takes something away from him, ds will run across the room and smack ME, even though I haven't done anything. It's gotten the better of me today because he's tried to smack me a number of times since this morning and I feel I've got to try to stop it somehow. Usually I either say "NO, you don't smack Mummy" or else I try to ignore it, but this afternoon I gave him a short time-out in his cot because I was getting tired of it. He got very upset when I put him in there but I didn't know what else to do. Some words of wisdom would be much appreciated...

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zebra · 17/07/2002 13:30

DS (2.7yo) occasionally reverts to hitting.

I think you're doing all the right things. It just take time. Be firm and make it clear the behaviour is unacceptable. With DS we try to ignore him if he doesn't do any harm (ie., let him let off steam). Rules change, though, if he upsets another person (esp. other children) or damages property. He has to say sorry, at least. I may force him to give up a fave toy by way of amends (boy, is that effective!). Sometimes we restrain him or put him in time-out until he's calmed down.

It's important, that he not get his own way as a result of thuggery, but we also have to take mitigating circumstances into account. So if a child snatches a toy off of DS, and DS smacks the other child, we might take the toy away from both and tell them both off for their behaviour.

JanZ · 17/07/2002 13:48

Ds (22 months) very occasionally hits us - usually to see if he gets a reaction. He's also started occasionally kicking us - again, looking for a reaction. What we do is over-act being upset that he's hit us and that he's hurt us and that it's not a nice thing to do. He then comes to comfort us with a cuddle!

Willow2 · 17/07/2002 15:50

My ds is up to this too at present - found the best remedy is either time out in his room, or to simply walk away from him and, if he follows, tell him that he isn't my friend if he hits me. I then ignore him until he stops being a little xxxx. Seems to have desired result - but all depends on circumstances - could do neither when he landed me a ringing slap on the chops when we were in a restaurant the other week. I must have been at just the right angle as he really caught me a good 'un. Can't quite remember what I did, but was not as calm and collected as the above solutions might suggest!

SofiaAmes · 17/07/2002 22:57

My ds (note that they are all ds's not dd's) also resorts to smacking me. He is 19 mo. and has done this on and off for a while. He doesn't hit hard and it's almost only ever directed at me, rarely at my dh and never at other children. I will pretend to cry and say something like "oh that hurt, you made mummy cry." He usually then gives me a caress and a cuddle and this morning even said sorry. I think it's more of a game to him than anything else...it doesn't seem to happen when he is most angry. My friend's ds (17 mo.) actually hits my son and others quite hard when he's angry or trying to get a toy. I think the best thing to do is exactly what you are doing, being firm but calm. Maybe try to show him an alternate gesture (like caressing or cuddling) to replace the hitting.

bloss · 18/07/2002 01:51

Message withdrawn

LiamsMum · 18/07/2002 05:43

Does it really work Bloss? I thought this might be adding 'fuel to the fire' if I smacked him back. I've spoken to people before who smack their toddlers for this kind of thing but somehow I didn't think it would get the right message across. But who knows??!! I feel cruel giving him time-outs because he hates it so much, but I guess discipline is not supposed to be pleasant. My SIL shuts her 3 yr old in the toilet when she's been naughty (as a time-out) and I thought this was pretty awful, but she said it's the only thing that works with her.

OP posts:
angharad · 18/07/2002 11:04

My boys would be in heaven if they got shut in the bathroom; flushes, taps, toothpaste...!
DS2 took to giving occasional slaps in the face (he thought it was a game). We found that putting him straight down or moving away from him and saying "we do not slap", complete with fierce tone and angry face worked. Otherwise timeout is ok, and as you said-they're not meant to like it. Ithink lots of these annoying habits come in fits, with things apparently being forgotten about and then starting up again. Be firm and he'll get there in the end.

FrancesJ · 18/07/2002 12:36

Been thinking about this one, Liamsmum. We've had the same thing (dd now a bit older though-27mnths) on and off since she was about 24 months. I've found it happens in 'phases' too - she'll go through a phase of slapping/biting me, then stop for a while, and a few months later try it on again. I've found the best way to deal with it is to try to convince her that this particular attention-seeking exercise isn't going to do her any favours, and certainly isn't going to get her much good quality attention. I see it very much as seeking some response from a parent, and also as her way of expressing frustration when she's tired or has just been stopped from engaging in some fascinating toddler activity like trying to drop her smaller toys down the toilet. It certainly seems to happen more often in our house when she's shattered.

I don't smack back, or go into 'ballistic parent' mode because I've found this exacerbates the situation - dd giggles, hits out again, I shout, start to get frustrated, and before we know it, we're stuck in a vicious circle and having a massive row. When she first started doing it, I did try the immediate action 'time out' thing, to see if it would clear up the problem quickly, but that didn't work too well either - she just got het up, I felt guilty, went to collect her, tried to explain why she'd been put in cot, she didn't really get it, and lashed out again. Think she thought it was a sort of weird game. Soooo, what I now do is, whenever she hits me, or bites, for whatever reason, like you, I simply say either something like: 'hitting hurts Mummy, it's really horrid to hit people - remember when you fell over, and your leg hurt - well, it's like that' in as low-key tone as possible. Or I fix her with a beady stare, and say 'Well, doing that isn't going to get you what you want, is it!', and carry on with whatever I'm doing. This may sound like an awfully weak/ mild way to deal with it, but it has, eventually seemed to work for us. She certainly has now realised that it isn't a good way to behave - her periods of slapping me are now shorter (she tries, realises it isn't going to wash, then gives up for a couple of months) and she usually trots off, has a little strop, then comes back in tears and kisses Mummy better. It's a frustrating way to deal with it, in a way, and I have to do quite a few deft 'pulling arm out of way quickly' actions to stop being bitten, but at least I'm avoiding doing what she wants, which is physical confrontation, and so keeping the situation under control (my control, not hers!)

She's not tried it on with anyone but me, so far, and I'd have to rethink if she ever tried it with another tot - but what I'm hoping is that if I can teach her that it isn't a good way to behave at home, then she'll understand other ways of dealing with frustrating situations when she's at playgroup/nursery. I'd rather she got this particular trait out of the way with me, in house, than started using it then. So not sure if this will help - but it's the only way I've found to deal with it that doesn't get both myself and dd all het up and pink-faced!

bloss · 19/07/2002 00:15

Message withdrawn

zebra · 19/07/2002 17:39

I think if smacking (or another favourite, biting back) is going to work it will work the first or maybe 2nd time. The fallacy is to fall into the habit of smacking your child, when, obviously, it hassn't stopped the bad behaviour already.

I've never smacked.... But I do something comparable: if DS pours water over his sister's head in the bath (DS knows he's not to), I pour water over DS's head and ask him if he liked it; and once when DS was kicking DH kicked him back.

green · 20/07/2002 12:00

Oh yes, I am my ds's (28mths) punchbag many a morning. Again, it only seems to be me that he hits.

He has been hitting me on and off since he was just under 2 - he hits me when he is frustrated by something (ie being told he can't do something, having to leave playgroup etc). I tend to do the time out thing, on the step etc.

The hardest is when it has got the point that I have to pick him up to leave somewhere, or pick him up to move him to the step etc. then as I am holding him he whacks me around the head. It is in these circumstances that I have smacked his bottom - I can't think what else to do I guess - it is almost self defence. I can't talk to him properly because I don't dare turn my head and get a whack in the eye.

I guess I'm stuck in stalemate also at this point. Not really getting rid of the behaviour - He knows it is wrong (he always says sorry when he calms down) - but he's got a temper and he hasn't learned quite how to control it yet. I guess I take some comfort in a wierd way that it is only me he hits - I'd be far more worried if he lashed out at other children in frustration (obviously does this a bit as all children do when toy is taken from him etc).

Oh dear, I've babbled on haven't I? Whoops - and not really offered anything helpful. Sorry - maybe it helps to know you are certainly not the only one.

Clover · 22/07/2002 11:02

When I stop my son doing something he likes, he says "naughty Mummy" and starts hitting me. He doesn't hit very hard but I tell him to stop because "it hurts" and then leave the room. He usually runs after me to hit me again, so I go upstairs or just try and ignore him. I don't give him any attention until he says sorry. I'm not sure if this is working or not but I'm going to persist for a while and try and keep my cool! I think time-out is probably good if you've got a cot and can make sure they stay put. If I put my son in his room, he just comes out again!

Shattered · 23/07/2002 05:55

When I say to ds now "Do you want to go to your bedroom??" for being naughty (he knows that it means having a time-out in his cot) he just dissolves into tears and looks terrified. I then feel very sorry for him and wonder if I shouldn't be using this kind of method, but it's only a couple of minutes in his cot!!! It's not like he's being hurt in any way - it just makes me feel like a monster. It's so hard sometimes to know the right thing to do....

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