Is this more than temper tantrums?

[whycantIthinkofadecentusername]

DS is five, will be six in the summer. The only child. Very much loved. DP and I work full time, he goes to school and breakfast club. DP picks him up at half 3. Not even surprised the if that’s relevant or even needed. But may help.

His temper tantrums are unlike anything I’ve ever witnessed. The smallest thing sets him off. We can go from nothing to full blown tantrum in mere seconds. I’m talking crying, screaming, threats, hitting, kicking, biting, shouting, throwing things the works. No catalyst that we can pinpoint. They can last anything between five minutes to hours.

Tonight we’ve had the mother of all tantrums over eating a dinner he picked. I’m ashamed to say I lost my temper, carries him upstairs, got him undressed (whilst he hit, kicked, but etc), removed toys and access to TV, iPad and shouted. I then left him there and came down stairs to cry. I didn’t touch him other than to pick him up and put on the bed and get his PJs on. Now I feel like the worlds worst mum for ‘manhandling’ him too rough.

I’m at my wits end with his behaviour. It’s getting more frequent. He’s now not eaten or brushed his teeth. We’ve tried removing privileges, ignoring, praising good behaviour, shouting, sensing to bed early. Every consequence we can think off. Nothing works, in starting to think it’s something else. Does anyone have any suggestions at all, I’ll try ANYTHING right now? I’m desperate now. Poor DP has had a barrage of texts when he’s at a board meeting for work, he feels guilty for not being here to help.

Firstly, are the tantrums more about overload and loss of control or are they about getting something he wants? If he gets what he wants does the tantrum end immediately or does it have little impact on the length of the episode?

If this is about distress, you need to work out the cause and try to manage that because sanctions won't have any effect on them.

Try to keep track of what times of day it happens, whether he's hungry or tired; whether happens more around school times, whether it's about changes of routine or last minute changes of plan; whether it's linked to lots of social interaction or being around one particular person.

Identifying the trigger is the key to managing the behaviour.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I’ll keep a ‘diary’ of the episodes and see if I can pinpoint if there is a specific trigger, looking particularly for the points you’ve mentioned.