2.5yo attacking me during tantrums.. heartbroken

[Spoppit]

Hello :) I feel as if I have to give a bit of backstory for it all to make sense.

DD has been referred for testing for autism, the health visitor picked up on some traits which when she explained started to make a lot of sense. I have close family members who are on the spectrum and their behaviour at DDs age were incredibly similar.
Over the past few months she has become progressively worse in some areas, she has to have things her way, she stopped eating a lot of foods, stopped listening, won't look at me when i talk , and throws tantrums like no other .. all of which i put down to her being a madam until recently.

We haven't changed the way we are treating her too much, she is still being disciplined in the same way, she gets the same choices etc, but in the past few weeks shes started to hit push and kick.
We took her to the playground today there was group of young boys playing football , DD kept running to get their ball we explained that it was their ball and they didn't want to share, obviously she didn't accept no and carried on trying to get the ball. We had been there a good while already so decided we would go home for dinner, DD started throwing herself to the floor like normal so i picked her up and tried my usual car counting distraction with her, it didn't work.. instead she headbutted me, punched me, pulled my hair and clawed at my face and chest. It's getting harder to try and cope with everything, especially her outbursts.

Does anyone have any suggestions , advice, support ... anything? I knew parenting would be hard but at the minute I feel like my head could pop.

Firstly

Consistency is often the key, even though it can feel like it's not working and you're banging your head against a brick wall. Have you been offered any support while the referral and diagnostics etc are going through?

There are LOADS of Facebook groups for parents in your position, and parents who have been there. May be worth a search, particularly if there are any specific local ones to you where you may be able to meet for some face to face support from somebody who really gets it.

Thank you

Weve not been offered anything except HV has left her phone number incase we need her forr anything :/

Thank you i hadn't even thought about Facebook 😊

It may also be worth contacting any Children and Families Hub, disability action group or Social Services (anything similar which runs in your area). They'll be able to signpost you to any available support for you and your daughter that you can access now, even if it's just social contact with other parents to give you some insight into the process and what to expect.

can't give you disability advice, but I do have a daughter who used to attack me violently until she was about 10 for other reasons (PTSD and extreme anxiety) so I am very familiar with the practical details

first of all, you need to learn not to take it personally

it has nothing to do with a lack of love for you; it's about extreme pressure building up

dd once told me (much later) that during her meltdowns she couldn't even recognise me; it just felt like she was being attacked by scary monsters and had to defend herself

secondly, it is not a question of discipline

doesn't mean you can't be strict at other times, but if a child is having a genuine meltdown they are no more responsible for their actions than if they were delirious with a fever- you can't punish it out of them

thirdly, often you can avoid or mitigate meltdowns by learning to recognise the cues, seeing when they're not coping, avoiding extreme triggers

fourthly, avoidance probably won't always work; when it doesn't, concentrate on keeping everybody safe, including yourself; this may involve holding her hands so she can't hurt you or letting her ride it out if she is in a safe place

I used to hold dd from behind as that was the only way of stopping her from biting me- and I couldn't let her go for fear she would hurt her little brother

fifthly, stay calm- you will both be safer that way

I used to keep repeating "it's all right, I won't let you hurt anyone, I can't let you hurt anyone" as a mantra

Thank you it's not fair having to see them in that much distress and also parents having to cope with situations that aren't expected :/

When DD gets worked up and starts to hit out it it seems as if shes not present, like she's gone into a blind rage I don't know it that makes sense?

I managed to take her to the park again today with 'barely' any tantrums .. i spoke in a calm tone and tried to distract her with cars, doors etc (she loves colours and numbers).

It is horrible having to see them in such distress and it does feel very, very unfair.

But looking back over the years, the thought that comforts me is that simply being there, hanging in, not losing heart, going on loving, did make a difference.

Dd is now a young woman living her own independent adult life. It's never going to be an easy one: she is physically disabled, she is being assessed for MH issues (a bipolar diagnosis is probably on the cards), it seems likely that she is suffering from PTSD- but she is still here, she is fighting, it was worth it! She could not have got this far if it had not been for dh and me.

Hang onto that thought, OP: whatever you can do for her will be worth it!

Bless you you sound like the most incredible parent you must be so proud
I hope all goes well and whatever help that's needed will be readily available.
It's so hard.

Thank you I'm trying to figure out ways to help DD communicating and handling her emotions at the moment .. im just trying to take it hour by hour and avoid the tantrums

Thank you, not sure I'm an incredible parent, just one who knows how hard what you do is. And who can now see it from the other side. Hang in there, it sounds like you're doing everything right.