Losing my temper with 2 year old- HELP!

[MrsHobbs]

My DS is 2 years and 3 months. He has such an awful temper- everyone says its ‘just boys’ or ‘terrible 2s’ but im worried it something more as it seems way beyond this.
He's currently going through a major Daddy phase, where DP is very much the preferred parent and can do no wrong is DS’s eyes. He is very affectionate with DP and asks for him constantly when hes not there. Hes not like this with me often- he says “I dont like Mummy” soon as he sees me in the morning or I come home from work (I work 3 full days- the rest at home with DS), and he rarely is affectionate with me. If no one else is there we have a laugh at times but I feel he would rather be with DP or his GP’s. He hits me- sometimes just when he first sees me but mainly when i am trying to get him to do something he doesnt want to do. He hits me repeatedly hard in my face in a rage. If i hold his wrists he tries to headbut or kick me and smirks at me if i tell him off.

I feel I’ve tried everything. We live in a flat so have a ‘calm down chair’ in his bedroom for him to sit on for 2 minutes for a time out. But he just leans over and throws anything within his reach onto the floor (we dont have alot of room to move them elsewhere). I have tried talking to him calmly and telling him not to hit, tried cuddling him instead to curb his anger- makes him worse, I have tried shouting at him to startle him out of the hitting- he just does it more. I have even tried spanking once or twice (which I know is counter productive but was a last resort) and this has no effect either. I make a big fuss of him whenever he does anything good or surprises me with good behaviour- give him lots of over the top praise and he even has a ‘good boy’ sticker chart. This works for a short time and he seems very proud, but then soon as he doesnt get his own way its back to the incredible hulk child again.

I have just been trying to brush his teeth and he started with the hitting again, and as I’m my wits end with it and feeling quite rejected from weeks and weeks of him saying he doesnt like me- I just saw red. I vey cleary lost my shit infront of him and was visibly angry- I put him on the calm down chair several times, but soon as i took him back to brush his teeth it started again. I didnt want to give into him and not brush his teeth at all! In the end i was in floods of tears sitting on the floor feeling so completely out of control whilst he stood there looking confused (and quite guilty tbh). Eventually i did manage to brush his teeth and he said “why you crying Mummy?”- I told him he had been naughty which made me lose my temper and now I’m sad- he said “sorry Mummy, its alright, I’m okay now” and cuddled me and gave me a kiss. It made me feel awful and I said sorry to him too. Hes gone down for a nap now and i feel like the worst parent ever for getting into that state and allowing him to see it. I rang DP and explained what had happened whislt crying and he said “thats not going to help-that will make him worse”- which I’m obviously aware of and has made me feel even more guilty.

Any words of wisdom on DS’s behaviour or tips on how to keep your cool with this sort of thing? Sorry for the essay.

Any advice?

I have felt like this and acted similarly - the guilt alone made me determined not to let myself get worked up or show my frustration again. You’ve recognized you don’t want to act in that way and that’ll probably be enough to help you reign it in or hide your frustration the next time. I have no wonderful advice, toddlers are fucking hard work, the only thing I know is that when I’m patient things are better for both of us. And constantly remind myself that they’re just a child and I’m the grown up and I need to be teach her how to behave by being as calm as I can. I still need to leave the room sometimes and shut the door when I’m massively frustrated, but that’s better than me being really reallt cross in front of her.

I go through similar with dd2, it’s so tough at times. The one thing that gets me through is that I read somewhere (no links sorry it was a while ago) that at that age they haven’t physically got the “empathy” part of the brain it’s not developed, you can’t reason or negotiate or beg as it means nothing to their little brains. Carry on giving cuddles and letting him know as firmly and calmly as you can muster that his behaviour is unacceptable and eventually it will “click”. You’re there the most so dad is a bit of a novelty but he loves you too he’s just going through that well published stage, hang in there.

Dear Mrs Hobbs,

My name is Eva, I’m an Early Years and Parenting Consultant. I know that you wrote this letter in May, but I still want to reply to it to help you and help others as well.

First of all, you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Toddlers are very clever and cheeky little creatures and as I read your letter several times, I have a feeling that you are the one who is doing the most: trying to figure out what’s happening with your son, looking for solutions and trying out different techniques. So, you should be proud of yourself and you are not doing anything wrong.

As I said, toddlers are very clever. What I meant is, that they quickly learn how to manipulate people to get what they want. They observe parents, grandparents, siblings, teachers… everyone, how they react to their actions. They will sense a pattern and take advantage of it.

So, if you and your partner reacts differently, praise differently, punish differently and basically you have different rules in the house, your son will “choose” a side.

Obviously, if your partner is more forgiving and less strict than you, your son will enjoy his company more.
But, keep it in mind, it doesn’t mean that he loves dad more!

1.) My first advice is: to sit down with your partner and agree on discipline strategies. You both need to follow the rules you set up, and be consistent.

Your son will soon realise, that there is no difference between mom and dad, both of them act and react the same way….

2.) My second advice: Handling toddler tantrums is not easy, so again, don’t be hard on yourself. I’m proud of you, that you tried so many different things! Usually parents keep repeating the same tactics, that don’t work.

When your son throws a tantrum, let him be… if he wants to be on the floor, good, leave him there until he stops. Don’t move him, unless he kicks or throw things around him, then you could take him to a corner and make him sit down on the floor, so it is harder for him to reach anything.

You can try these things, to:

1. Stop touching him if he reacts to it badly, just leave him in peace.
2. Talk to him after he stopped the tantrum.
3. Ignore the tantrum.
4. Distract him with something, for example sing a silly song very loud or clap your hands and dance…
5. No spanking, no shouting… they just simply don’t work…
6. Don’t let him to hit you! It is simply unacceptable! So, don’t even give him a chance, move away, or take him away and let him be. When he calms down, you can talk to him about hitting, but be very simple, use simple and short sentences and be firm.
7. Motivate him, for example ‘after washing teeth, you can choose a toy to sleep with’ or ‘after you washed your teeth, I will read your favourite book’.
8. Let him to be independent: if he does not want you to wash his teeth, let him do it by himself. It is true for anything else, toddlers love to be independent so you can give him some freedom, and let him try out things. You will be there anyway if he needs help.

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3.) Third advice: you don’t need to overpraise him. If he does something really spectacular or things he has never done before, than yes. Praise him with kind words and maybe with an extra piece of fruit he likes very much. When something little happens, a simple ‘well done’ or ‘very good’ is enough.

Sticker charts: I personally don’t like using sticker or any other charts with toddlers. They don’t really get the concept of it, it does not really work and it is just a plus work for you. I worked 6 years with toddlers and our classroom was the only one, who never used sticker charts (only once for potty training, but I think even that was unnecessary) and our children were just fine!

4.) Don’t be afraid of your own child. This is my message to your partner as well. When it is time to be firm with your son, than it is time. When it is time to raise your voice or send him to his ‘calming area’, than it is time. Yes, maybe your son won’t like it, and maybe he will shout even more, but! he will learn that you are the one in charge.

5.) How to keep your cool? 1. Ignore the tantrum, distract yourself. 2. Distract your child and get silly, dance or sing… use your humour.

I really hope that I could help you in anyways. My main advice is that you and your partner need to agree on parenting, disciplining strategies and let your son do things by himself (sometimes with a little bit of help).

All the best,

Eva

My 18 month old son is the same he has tanturms, hits me (but not his Dad) throws things at me and he even hits other people, i feel so embarressed. No matter what i do he doesn’t stop. I think that if he see’s me or anybody whilst in the midst of a paddy it makes him worse so i’m thinking of removing him from being around anybody and putting him in his bedroom with his toys not as a punishment just so he can distract himself when he wants too and so he cannot hurt himself or anybody else, do you think this would be a good idea before we try it as i don’t want him thinking his room is a place he goes when he is in trouble and he won’t go bed?

Any other advice would be appreciated, i’ve had 2 other boys and none have been this bad ha