6 year old behaviour (and 36 year old!)

[Woocha]

Hi, this is my first post ever so I apologise if I don't sound like a mumsnetter. I'm at the end of my tether and I know my DW has used mumsnet for years and got sound advice.

My relationship with our 6 year old DS is deteriorating rapidly. He shouts at me often that I don't love him and we're frequently at total loggerheads, particularly in the mornings when he becomes thoroughly obstinate and refuses to eat, stay in the same room, seems to enjoy screaming at people and all for no apparent reason. The thing is sometimes I recognise myself in the behaviour he's displaying and my mother always says "he's so like you were at that age." I get that he gets angry because I get angry too and that's a volatile mix.

My frustration is exacerbated by the fact that I feel like he has no boundaries. He gets what he wants (within reason, we're not made of money). He becomes abusive and angry but the only consequence he ever sees is that I get in trouble for getting cross with him.

I try so hard to be patient and kind and to demonstrate that I love him to bits but it never seems enough and it's only ever as good as our last argument.

He still comes to sleep in with me and DW and I can't deal with this any more so I frequently end up in his room. My DW continues to settle him in our room rather than his room so again, I go in his room rather than wake him and inevitably disrupt his sleep and DW's. I've got to the point where I'm rather blunt about not liking the situation which I don't think is helping with DS's impression of me. My DW doesn't seem as motivated to sort the issue as I am so again I'm making a fuss over nothing.

I just feel powerless to address the problem to the point that I'm inclined, particularly post night shift, to avoid the house until after the morning routine is done. I feel like this is the only way to prevent me making the problem worse but leads to my DW feeling a total lack of support in the mornings.

Sorry to waffle but I hope this gives an overview of the situation. Any pearls of wisdom gratefully received.

Firstly, anger will get you nowhere.

So that has to go. You've said that mornings and bedtime's are particularly hard (aren't they for all parents?) and I can tell you some of the things which have helped my DH and I.

The first thing we both agreed on was absolutely NO shouting. None. Not ever.

It's self-indulgent and scary.

I had to work out the moment in which I DECIDED to shout...to find that moment and make the choice to not shout.

There is always that conscious moment when you think "That's IT!" and you let loose.

Well you need to not let loose.

I walk out of the room instead. I go into the garden, breathe and count.

Next....rules and routine.

So in the morning your DS should follow the same routine daily...in the same order. No screens should happen until he's dressed, washed and fed.

Your wife will need to be on board though. It won't work unless you talk to her in a non-confrontational way about this.

Bedtime...you're not happy with your DS being settled IN your bed (I wouldn't be either) and he should be in his own.

Why has this come about? Is he scared? Or is it just habit?

I could have written this myself but for my DH and our DD (5). They do nothing but shout at each other, and I've really noticed that she is calmer when he is not around. It's worrying because she is now being aggressive at school, and I'm wondering if it's the aggression she's picked up from her dad at home.

What do you think would help you feel happier about the situation?

Thanks to you both. I've worked really hard NOT to shout. You're right that it gets noone anywhere but there are times, like this morning when I get home after a night shift. I walk in to carnage and I don't deal well. That's on me.
Thanks for replying.