5 year old boy pining for schoolfriend

[Marina]

I'd really appreciate some advice/views on this.
Ds has just finished reception and his best friends in his class by the end of the year were delightful twins. He was especially friendly with the little girl twin, calling her his "girlfriend" and saying they were going to get married. We didn't encourage or even like this aspect of the friendship, tbh, but I think he got some egging-on from dinnerladies and other children at school...however, there was a definite, mutual friendship there.
Anyway, the twins have moved to a new country because of their dad's job and ds is missing them a lot. So far he has painted his little friend a heartfelt pink and gold poem, made her an alarming Dali-esque bookmark with stick-on wobbly eyes, and made her a card. I have e-mailed their mum to find out if they have an address we can send all this stuff to yet, but I am wondering how to handle this.
I don't want to minimise or disregard his obvious affection for his little friend (I still remember a really nice little boy I was friends with at that age who also moved away, so I know how ds is feeling), but HOW do I gently get him used to the idea that short of a miracle, he is unlikely to see her again? I am trying not to raise the subject, but there is all this artwork appearing! He is almost in tears when he speaks about her sometimes.
Any ideas welcomed. I have to confess I am a bit taken aback by the "romantic" intensity of his feelings. We're an affectionate family and encourage him to be open about how he feels, but we also feel quite strongly about children being "old before their time" and he has got none of this girlfriend/boyfriend stuff from us.
Sorry, long post. This has been bugging me for a month now, can you tell?

Oh Marina, how poignant! I'm sure time will sort his feelings out a bit though. Especailly when he starts the new year in September. My daughter has lost (moved away, I mean) both of her best friends in the last few months - they were a complete trio. She started sending a few emails to one but tbh, that has now petered out. The other, although she doesn't mention her, is still in her thoughts. Crept into her room the other night to turn out the lamp and there was a letter she had written to her - saying "(name of school) misses you very much" - so Victorian sounding.

At the moment I would go along with what he's doing but don't unnecessarily bring up the the little girl's name. Perhaps it's more intense atm because it's summer and he has fewer friends around to distract him? Hope he's ok soon. and

I think it says an awful lot about your DS - what a lovely little boy. Things are bound to be worse for him at the moment as it's the school holidays - I think once he's back at school, the intensity will lessen. I would send the things he's made to her - she might be missing him as well. If there's no reply, hopefully he'll be back at school and won't notice.

BTW, there's been lots of boyfriend/girlfriend/marriage talk in my DS's reception year - all very innocent but they obviously start a lot earlier these days than we did.

What a total sweetie your boy is, Marina. I don't know what you can do other than what you're doing- keeping on validating his feelings when they appear and waiting for time to do the rest. Batters, Stickynote and Tinker all have good advice and experience I think. Hope he feels better soon.

p.s. I just asked my sons what you guys should do and one advises a trip to the girl's country to see her while the other recommends phoning her up...

Hi Marina, yes this is normal stuff for school children. Talk of marriage and boy/girlfriends seems to be very common but it is totally innocent and I don't think they really understand the implications of the words. If I were you I too would talk about your ds's friends as much as he wanted to and say "that's nice" and "that's very kind" whenever he drew them pictures,etc. It will pass, although its heartbreaking for the mummy to watch, he will get over it! Love Cam

Oh what a sweetie he is! nothing more to add to what has already been said, I think you are handling it just fine. Please don't worry about the marriage stuff, I am sure that there will be many more hopeful brides for your son in the years to come as he sounds so lovely!

Marina what a dearheart! Just echoing what has been said about the passage of time, etc. Has he any other friends he can play with over the hols to take his thoughts elsewhere? No experience as yet, but I expect once he gets back into the swing of things at school, his feelings will sort themselves.
It's a funny age, the infant school years; my Mum still reminds me of the "boyfriend" I had age 5 (she has photos!) and how we were the talk of the school!

My ds1's bf left for Australia in Nov (a boy but they truly were bf's - ds has never had a friend with whom he's had so much in common), and I don't think he grasped the reality of the situation until they'd gone. He missed him lots to begin with, but in a really positive way - wanting to e-mail him jokes and the sort of things they enjoyed together, and draw pictures etc, and as the whole family were our friends, send little presents at Xmas/birthdays etc.
Eight months on and the relationship is still going strong, but more with occasional emails and talking about him when something reminds him of the things they did together. Knowing his friend has been a positive experience for ds, and taught him that distance doesn't mean the end of the road as far as friendship is concerned!

marina, I definitely agree that the start of school will help and also, do talk to your ds lots about his feelings - but I am sure you are already doing this. I think it's important boys' feelings like this are taken seriously.

The romantic thing is IME just innocence, a game and nothing else. It seems to be common at school.

My youngest son had a best friend/ girlfriend in pre school. I really feared my son would miss his friend when he moved on. He did mention her a lot. The girl's mother invited my son to her birthday party. We also swapped phone numbers. But the family, unfortunately, live a long way away. Both the mother and I work full time so playdates are hard to organise. To my shame I have not organised anything with her, but hope to invite her daughter to my son's birhtday party if he has one.

I felt guilty breaking my promise to my son. Months ago I told him we would definitely have this little girl round for tea. But he's never really got upset about my lackadaiscal planning. I know he would be very happy to see her, but is not miserable about her absence. However he has not made any such friendships with the girls at school so she must have been something special.

I wonder if your son sort of likes the feeling of missing this girl? some great artists are inspired by loss - could your son, in his own small way, be using his feelings as inspiration when he creates his artwork? All sorts of things seem to spark off creativity in children - my sons go through many crazes. I think it's lovely that your son is able to translate his feelings into something productive, but really hope he is not feeling deeply miserable. Please send him a hug from me.

As a new poster, I feel a bit intrusive butting in on this touching thread. But I want to suggest that maybe one reason your lovely boy is casting his feelings for his friend in such 'romantic' terms is simply that it is a very widely available and familiar way of talking about loving someone. My dd has made two proposals of marriage this week - one to me, the other to her adored keyworker at nursery!

Many of us are just not that good at demonstrating and talking about our feelings of warmth and affection towards other people. If he's being offered the language of 'boyfriend/girlfriend' at school, that may be helping him to articulate and make sense of what sound like quite overwhelming emotions. Perhaps the artwork can create a wider range of emotional vocabularies for him to use?

He does sound as if he'll make some lucky person a wonderful partner one far-off day...

Thank you all ever so much for such kind thoughts and good advice. Tigermoth, you have definitely hit on something when you mention enjoying the feeling of missing his little friend - there does seem to be a certain amount of wallowing in slightly melodramatic "misery". It is not stopping him splashing around in the paddling pool, building a Lego battleship (HMS Crack, it's an icebreaker as well...!) pulling the front off one of his drawers "to see how it fits together", etc.
It's so reassuring to hear that most other little ones this age talk grandly of weddings, lurve, marriage etc. I was beginning to wonder if we had a little timebomb on our hands.
Scummy, we are already talking of a visit - this would be to Moscow. I would prefer to wait to be invited by the parents...
Thanks all and welcome honeyflower! Good point about using an available framework to talk about love.

Marina, I have only just caught up on this thread. What a lovely ds you have.

Dd1 (4 and a half) has just started talking about being 'in love' with her 6 year old friend. I think she has definitely picked up the idea from somewhere but she has no real idea what she is talking about. She is also just the kind of child who would absolutely wallow in this kind of thing - she fusses over dead bees and likes to torture herself with how 'terribly, terribly sad it is' that they 'won't fly any more' etc etc. She sounds dreadfully precious and she is in a lot of ways. Over-sensitive and very empathetic...

I think you need to be slightly 'jollying' about it all and most of all try to encourage him to be friends with other girls...

BTW, the boy whom my dd is 'in love with' was actually given 50p by one girl in his class so that he would marry her...they were in reception at the time...

My ds sounds like the boy version of Enid's dd (same age, too). He's going to marry not one but two girls: Izzy next door, and Rae from school.

When we were away in the States, he was very sad about having left Izzy (in particular) behind, so we kept a correspondence going. Eventually he developed his own life over there, so didn't ask to write to her after a while. I imagine this crush/bereavement will gradually peter out over the next months, but in the meantime I think their keeping in touch is a good idea.

I don't really think it's a question of being "old before his time." I think some kids just have that sort of romantic/sensitive soul. I did, and was desperately in love with a boy called Mark when I was 4. I remember him, and the feelings, very well. I dreamed of a wedding beneath the basketball hoop in the playground, an army of tricycles standing by.