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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

what to expect when 4 and a half year old comes for tea

22 replies

hatter · 09/08/2004 20:50

Just had dd2's friend round and ended up feeling a bit taken for granted but maybe I'm a grumpy unreasonable moo. Thinking I'd play it safe I checked that she liked chicken and pasta then put some chicken breast in the oven, cooked some pasta, peas and carrots, chopped up the chicken and offered her olive oil, butter, creme fraiche or pesto to stir into it all. She informed me that she doesn't like "that sort" of chicken . She doesn't like butter or any of the other things and proceeded to eat the pasta with her fingers. Told me the "beans" were yucky. Apparently we had the wrong sort of ice cream. The only time she said thank you was when I, somewhat pointedly, said to DD2 "good girl for saying thank you". Having left the ice cream she then announced "I've finished" and took herself out of the kitchen and back into the sitting room, leaving my two still at the table. Feeling a bit calmer now but I'd be gutted if dd2 behaved like this - but, then again, how would I know? I guess a 4 year old doesn't realise it's rude to say "I don't like..." I guess to them it's just a statement of fact. So how do other people cope? I guess it should be water off a duck's back really. Another q - do you leave them to it to play or have some activities or games planned? It all seemed a bit flat - I deliberately resisted inviting her best friend (from whom she is inseperable at nursery) to try to encourage her to make wider friends - but maybe that was a mistake

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hewlettsdaughter · 09/08/2004 21:02

They don't know much about tact at this age do they? Try not to take it personally - I guess she's used to different food (and table manners). I suppose when she left the table you could have said "In this house we wait for everybody to finish first" or somesuch. Depends how much of an issue you want to make of these things, I guess.
Have a nice glass of wine and forget about it (this seems to be advice frequently given on mumsnet)

enid · 09/08/2004 21:08

hatter, I didn't realise my dd1 had popped round to yours for lunch today

Original poster

hatter · 09/08/2004 21:16

wine has been poured - which is a rare exception for me on a Monday - bit of a duff day today - had to post about potty training too. I'm not really wound up any more. She's only little and tact is a social skill a long time in coming - let's face it - we all know adults who lack it. At least I can turn it into something positive inasmuch as it's reminded me if a few things I need to tell dd1 about visting other people's houses. ie it's more than mumbling "thank you for having me" at the door.

OP posts:

Tommy · 09/08/2004 21:17

Feel for you but my DS (only 2y7m so maybe let off a bit) eats really badly but we are training him to say "May I get down from the table " when he's had enough. The other day at my Mum's she had bought chocolate ice cream as a treat - he wanted "white" and then wanted it in a cone and not a bowl and it went on and on. However, I do not allow him to say "yucky" at anything - he said it once (don't know where he got it from)and I really out my foot down on that one!

hewlettsdaughter · 09/08/2004 21:19

My ds was 5 yesterday and showed the first sign of tact I think I have seen in him. We had a party for him at home which went really well - some people (children and adults) stayed on for a while though and eventually he said to me (out of their earshot) "when are they going home mummy?". He was exhausted, bless him

ScummyMummy · 09/08/2004 21:24

LOL Enid! Hatter- please NEVER invite my kids over for tea- you'd be on the vodka at 4pm.

Seriously, I think parental expectations of manners and behaviour can be v variable at this age. Probably at every age... Glad you're feeling better now tho.

Aero · 09/08/2004 21:25

Are you sure it was yours Enid - could have been mine!!![wink} More wine methinks!

Aero · 09/08/2004 21:25

Ooops !!

charliecat · 09/08/2004 21:35

Lol, I remember from when I was 5(!!!???!!!) going round to my friends house for dinner and id soooo been looking forward to it, when it got served it was lumpy mash, crinkly frozen carrots and a frozen chicken pie.
It was making me ill look at it but some how I managed to eat bits of everything and after that day I appreciated my mums homemade dinners!!!!!
What I really wanted to say was "I dont like this, i cant eat it" but I kept my mouth shut(werent kids different back then?) and still remember it 20 years later.
Not sure how my dd behaves in other peoples houses, but when ive had 5 year olds round at my house its all " I dont like, i dont eat, I dont want...Do you have xyz..."
I remember back to my experience and have the greatest sympathy.

badmother · 09/08/2004 21:37

Sounds fairly standard behaviour round here! I had a rising 6 yo round the other day who came close to tantrums when presented with pasta bake. Wouldn't even try it. Nor the treat of chopped nectarines for pud. My 2 wd normally have eaten it but refused as visitor was so repulsed.
I was mildly narked too but i was a horribly fussy child...
Can I borrow your kids to set a better example for mine please?

runragged · 09/08/2004 21:43

hatter, I echo what others have said, they are all different and tact isn't there thing. I am always having other children round and treat them the same as mine, if they say they don't like something I just ask them to leave it, (preferably on the table but I don't mind as long as it isn't on the walls ). If they want to get down I just ask them to stay but don't push it. It just really depends on what parents let there children away with as to how they are in your house, it isn't the childs fault - yet!!

scaltygirl · 09/08/2004 22:27

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StickyNote · 10/08/2004 08:12

Charliecat, I had the same experience at a friend's house with a bowl of grapefruit which I manfully waded through, even though I HATED it. You're right, children have changed...

I'm trying at the moment to get DS aged 5 to day "I don't really like x" rather than "I hate it". I've also given up cooking anything other than sausages, beans and mash for visiting children - it's just not worth the grief.

Twiglett · 10/08/2004 08:31

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tigermoth · 10/08/2004 08:31

agtee that 4 year old visitors can take you for granted. To be honest, some of our 10 year old visitors behave almost the same. One of my son's best friends is a very fussy eater and will refuse food even if it's slightly different to what he's used to (ie chicken that's cooked a different way to what he's used to, too small frozen peas). And that's after I have checked with him that he's like it before cooking it. And he rarely says thank you. He's a good boy - good table manners, not cheeky, etc so it's really difficult to say anything to him. It's not what he does, it's what he doesn't do. I do get wound up and as he's older, I do feel he should be a bit more sensitive to his host's feelings. My husband has actually pulled him up about wasting food he has specifically asked for at ours. He's braver than me.

My son knows it makes me annoyed and I have told my son to say lots of thank yous when he visit people. As for food, my son will tend to ask for lots, and will be very pleased with any food he is given at a guest's house. He can be greedy. So I try an give him something to eat before a playdate just to fill him up a bit

Twiglett · 10/08/2004 08:33

message withdrawn

tigermoth · 10/08/2004 08:36

just to add, the excitement of going on a playdate can IME make some children lose their appetite. I think you have to assume a proper meal won't be the main attraction for many. I find it's easier sometimes to offer sandwiches, fruit and crisps. When they say 'I don't like' (especially when they are younger) I don't think they are being deliberately rude.

Batters · 10/08/2004 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iota · 10/08/2004 12:52

Battters - my ds1 is 5 and has recently started being rude and cheeky - he was always a little angel, so I'm a bit non-plussed - parents of older children have told me that theirs went through the same thing.

Hold on to the thought that it's just a phase.

JanZ · 10/08/2004 12:53

... we've got ds trained to say "please gorgeous mummy" and "please handsom daddy" . He'll be 4 in a month, so it probably won't last!

He's not good at sitting and eating with us for long - altohugh we do make a point of sitting at the table and making him stay until WE have finished, even if he doesn't want to eat what we are having. Next step is to teach him to ask "please may I leave the table?".

He hasn't ever had "play" dates yet - but I am sure that will be starting soon, once he starts at nursery next month and his little cohort of fellow 3 year olds at the childminder's gets split up, so the only way he will get ot see his "best friend" is if we make a point of it.

serenequeen · 10/08/2004 13:41

i've noticed ds's manners (he's just 3) are not as good when we go to friends' houses or to restaurants, although he is very good at home and at nursery where high standards are at least aspired to if not always achieved. i've come to think it's the excitement or novelty of being somewhere new just makes him forget. he is pretty good when prompted but needs prompting more often than at home. i don't know how he would do if we weren't with him.

WideWebWitch · 11/08/2004 07:13

If their parents aren't there I almost automatically say 'say please/thank you.' (sometimes correct them even if their parents are there). We had a 6yo to tea recently who said he liked pasta but didn't like my pasta and spat out a piece of bread onto the table (the only thing I had in the house he might have liked apparently) saying 'that's disgusting'. I think it's ok to impose your rules when it's your house (i.e. saying please etc and not getting down til everyone's finished or at least asking) but I don't think you can expect that much from 4yos. And I think sometimes they like being in other peoples houses because they know the treats/food will be different so that's why they keep asking. I don't have biscuits or cakes in the house much and when ds was 3 or 4 there was one friends house where he would announce he was hungry when we got there, no matter what he'd eaten before hand. It was because he knew she had crisps in her cupboard..

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