New to permissive parenting - hayyylp!!!!!

[daddydaddycool]

I split last year with my partner last summer, we have two DDs of 8 and 10 (I'm the 'DF'). The effect of the split on them is probably about as 'textbook' positive as could be hoped for - consistency and structure remains strong. It's not easy on any of us, but it flows as best it could.

I now have a new partner, who lives in another country, and with whom I've fallen deeply in love - we've known each other since sixth form college in the early 90s so we're on pretty solid ground. She is divorced (her ex is an alcoholic) and she is the primary parent of two DS (5 & 12) and a DD (9).

Our problem is that she is the archetypal permissive parent; perhaps trying to over-compensate for her ex's 'chocolate teapotness', but also being quite a free spirit.

Cutting to the chase (sorry), how can I help her to turn around her permissive parenting? It's to the point where multiple authorities are involved (Finland) - her 12 yr old DS is hyper-sensitive and won't go to school due to anxiety and gaming addiction, her 9 yr old DD runs rings around her and her 5 yr old DS is pretty normal, for now at least, but obviously a massive handful. She's knackered and can't see the wood for the trees. Her ex doesn't show for meetings with external agencies and doesn't apply the same rules when he has the kids, she feels like she's on her own but her own lack of authority, consistency and structure don't do her ANY favours.

It's early days in our relationship (spent time with the kids thrice) so I don't want to start overtly intervening, but she's really struggling.

How do you turn permissive parenting around?

It’s early days in your relationship and I’m not sure you are going to be able to help OP without a massive emotional and time input from you which could be at the detriment of your relationship with your own children.

If she “can’t see the wood for the trees” I’m not sure she would be receptive to any advice anyway.

Sorry if this isn’t what you wanted to hear.

Thank you JJJ, I know where you're coming from in terms of overall prioritising. She is receptive though, but actually implementing and maintaining a consistent approach is the issue. When you've pandered to their whims for so long, how do you turn that around?

For example, she's an amazing cook and goes out of her way to make them fresh, diverse food. 'I don't want this, I want that', so off she goes and does it. Ad infinitum. It's only when she breaks down that the shit finally hits the fan and they might comply.

I've never experienced it, hence my confusion. I would tend to advise that she break it down into managable little chunks, say focus on one or two issues per child - issue, solution and associated consequence, delivered with total consistency. DD rudely demands another dish (issue), she eats what's given (solution) or doesn't eat at all (consequence), etc. - seems logical enough.

She wants advice - I'm just looking to bolster my own via the expertise here, 'tis all.

My DD would happily let me cook dish after dish. We meal plan and each child gets to choose one night’s meal a week. They also get to choose 2 foods that I promise i’ll never give them. DD has baked beans and mushy peas. The deal is o never serve their two most hated foods but they have to try what I do serve.

Would that be a start?

Thank you again Julie, that's a good start indeed.

What about overt rudeness? 'Give me that' / 'I don't want that' / 'go away' - Mum claims it's just her DD being 'Finnish' (granted they don't tiptoe around matters, but this is downright insolence). If sent to her bedroom or have privileges withdrawn (like I would do but have never really had to), her DD would probably wreck her room - hence the constant cowtowing - easier that way in the short term but evidently a self-fulfilling prophesy in the medium/long game. The kids rule the roost.

Its great you want to help, but your partner needs to take the lead on this. You can support her and back her up of course. But if multiple agencies are involved I doubt you telling her what to do is likely to make a lot of difference, and you directly disciplining the children instead of her sounds like a very bad idea.

I agree with Livinina. I really doubt your DP is going to change due to anything you say or do, be there for her but if it’s got to the point where lots of agencies involved, is she at risk of losing the DC?

Also agree that you stepping in to discipline the children is a very poor choice. It will only build resentment.

Thanks again for the feedback.

I wasn't clear above - I definitely wouldn't undermine or contradict her (although it might involve my lip bleeding profusely! ;-)), compromising on parenting technique will be a slow burner and has to be built on consensus, for and by all - including the kids. Slowly but surely trying to reverse the current situation that, at 9 and 12, they're calling all the shots.

'I'm not going to school because I'm anxious'
'Oh my poor love'

'I don't want rice, I want pasta'
'Ok, here's your pasta'
'I changed my mind'
'Ok hold on I'll do some rice'

'It's time to stop gaming now'
'Fuck off bitch!' (really sorry two hours later which seems to make everything ok until the next time)

Etc.

Also, the Finnish education system is lauded as one of the best in the world, but for 'outlier' kids they don't appear to be quite so good at thinking beyond their neat little system. Multiple agencies have been involved for several months but there's a distinct lack of coordination and not much objective input to date. It's not really their forte, put it that way.

She would almost appreciate the threat of her DS being 'institutionalised', he's ultimately a lovely lad but needs a 'rocket', as does her DD.

I'm back there the weekend after next for 5 days, I'll report back ;-)

Thanks again.

Sorry If I'm rambling a bit but sometimes it's just useful, to help work it out.