If the eldest child is challenging does it mean the second one will be?

[1981m]

My eldest ds who is 5 is challenging and has been since he was around 2. It's got worse between 3-5 and then still frequently now. He's extremely strong willed, doesn't care about consequences, stubborn and defiant. He was 2.2 when dd was born so I blame myself for a lot of his behaviour. He has brought me to the brink several times and he knows it. I admit I have ended up shouting, lecturing and fallen into a very negative pattern with him. He's not violent anymore (when through a phase of hitting, kicking, spitting) until he went to school last sept) but I feel his behaviour is beyond a normal 5 yo. I try to be positive, star charts, rewards, positive language, telling him what I want him to do not focusing on negative etc. It works for a period but it's continuous cycles of really terrible behaviour and brilliant nothing in between.

However, I am now wondering if this behaviour and my response to it has effected my 3 yo. She's had her moments but generally is a very happy, delightful girl. She's my easy one. Until recently. She is beginning to show the same traits as ds. I have always thought she wouldn't be like ds but she's recently really started copying everything he does, being rude, demanding, running away, not listening and having massive crying fits and shouting if she doesn't get her one way.

I feel like I did it all wrong with ds. I was highly stressed with a baby and toddler and went through a very negative period towards him. I didn't want to spend time with him. I shouted and we got into screaming matches. I was not the parent I thought I d be. I still find him extremely hard to handle.

Anyway, I worry dd has witnessed all this and is picking up ds habits and my way of previously dealing with it. Dh is very quick to loose him temper which doesn't help. She's showing herself to also be defiant and not listening. She uses all the same phrases ds uses.

So, is it inevitable she will turn out the same? I don't think I can cope with two like that.

I didn't want to spend time with him. I shouted and we got into screaming matches

Dh is very quick to loose him temper.

It sounds like you and your DH have a bit of problem with your behaviour. It’s no wonder little DS is copying OP.

I have a son and daughter, 24 months apart. My son has always been much higher needs than the average child. It is only now at age 17 that I can see that he's mellowed considerably and in the "normal" spectrum. I've made some mistakes over the years and improved as a parent.

His sister has been totally different from the beginning. I'd say that she was easier than "normal" She's seen me struggle with her brother and doesn't copy his behaviour.

I think that it sounds like you and your dh have a lot of work to do to improve things. It takes time but you can learn to be a better parent.

Jilted- I ve certainly done things I regret but never lost it with either of them or smacked etc. I think most parents have shouted at some point. I try hard to model the right behaviour but I am not perfect.

I have talked to dh about his temper a lot and he says he ll try but then doesn't. He's not in to big discussions about how we can improve behaviour and leaves it to me. If he's fed up with ds and he wants me he just calls me to take over instead of handling the situation himself.

Dd used to laugh at Ds and be like 'ds isn't making the right choices' and ignore but recently she's started doing it too. Guess now she's 3.3 she's more aware.

Could it be that she sees that DS is getting more attention, whether it’s good or bad, children love attention.

There are 2 books that might help, one is Calm parents: happy kids and the other is the explosive child?

It sounds as if you have the most work trying to sort out your DHs behaviour though.