I’m not even sure if this is the right part of this forum for this post. My children’s Dad and I split up, after many years of being unhappy together; he moved out just over 2 years ago.
I’m resident parent and he has them as and when he can - rarely at weekends (about 6 in that time, although occasionally will have them 7pm Friday to 10 am Saturday..or similar). That is a whole other saga, limited relevance to this story.
I met a man just over a year ago and, completely didn’t expect it to happen, we fell in love. About 6 months in, I introduced him to my children (then almost 11 and 6.5). Youngest really likes him, oldest took against him immediately.
I know that she is going through a lot of changes and has mood swings and other feelings she can’t explain (to herself).
I also feel I have a good deal of empathy with her situation, as my mum died when I was young and I remember feeling awful when my dad started dating during my teen years. I’ve talked to her about how I felt left out, how I was worried about disloyalty to my mum etc. I’ve tried to keep reassuring her that whatever she’s feeling is ok, I will accept that and we can talk about it.
My gut feeling is that she’s fearful of losing me - I’m the most important, stable figure in her life and she’s worried about losing ‘us’. (Undoubtedly we’ve all been happier since their Dad moved out - lot more laughter and joy around the house).
I’ve done all I can to keep reassuring her how much I love her and how no one else will change that.
I’ve tried to take it slowly for her sake, over the last 7 months, but because they’re not often at their dad’s on a weekend and he only has them one night during the week, my man and I don’t get loads of time together. Which we accept. But it means he visits during the day at weekend (only one day, never both).
He doesn’t stay overnight - I’d like him to but recognise that DD isn’t ready for that (or am I giving her too much control?).
My issue is, she’s really rude to him. She understands she wouldn’t be like that to anyone else. She justifies it by saying she really hates him. She can’t explain what it is she doesn’t like about him (other than he’s a bit loud sometimes). I used to work in child protection, I’ve watched the way he is with his own and my children, he has legitimately done nothing wrong and I don’t have any concerns about him making her feel unsafe.
Her behaviour is getting me down; she’s normally such a lovely girl and we have such a great time together - and it stops whenever he’s not here - in fact, if I talk to her in her room while he’s here, she is fine.
I’ve tried talking to her; explaining that she doesn’t have to like him but can’t be rude to him; needs to respond when he talks to her etc. Tried talking about her feelings about me having a relationship (for the first 4 or 5 months, she maintained it wouldn’t matter who it was, she doesn’t want me having a boyfriend; then she said it’s because he’s a man - she doesn’t know many men - now she just ‘hates’ him). Tried explaining how he makes me happy and I didn’t think I’d meet a man who makes me as happy as my children do. I’ve also gently explained that I am an independent human and that she will be before too long and I don’t think she’d want me to be alone. She likes all of my other friends, she just won’t give him a chance (which I still kind of understand)
All my friends are out of ideas. Some say I’ve been patient and just need to carry on and make sure she doesn’t get away with being rude. Another has asked what will I do if this never gets better.
My man and I won’t be in a position to truly live together for years, he’s in a nearby city looking after his children when he can, but it would be nice to have him to stay during the week or weekends from time to time.
Any advice, suggestions gratefully received.