Am i a pushover?

[RBW18]

My daughter has just turned 5, we always have comments on how polite and well behaved she is. Apart from when she is at home. She's not really naughty but she's very testing. I don't know if I'm expecting too much from her - she draws on the walls in places I wouldn't necessarily see (under her bed etc) she spits on the floor, draws on her jeans (always the brand new ones, never the older ones) growls at us when she doesn't get her own way..

Myself and her dad have always stuck together and have had each others back when it comes to punishment. Now she is getting older I've tried to go down the route of trying to be her friend which has now come to bite me on the arse cause she walks all over me.

She's going through the stage of ''I don't care, bla bla bla'' this winds me up to the next level. Now If I try to punish her when her dad isn't home it doesn't work and she still kicks off. She will go to her room, i will take something away she loves, not let her go to swimming lessons - which she loves but nothing seems to work.

The problem I have is I give into her too easily, unlike her dad if I see her crying it breaks my heart and I tend to give in to her. Ill tell her no we are not going to X,Y,Z but then she is good for a hour and I forget how much of a bugger she's been all day and we end up going to X,Y,Z.

Is there any way I can get back some respect from her now she walks all over me? I want her to understand that no means no. I don't want to have to live in a house where the only way she listens is if we shout

You don't especially sound like a pushover, you may just need a slightly more planned approach to discipline. You are right that pusnihsing hard and then taking back the punishment idoesn't work. Instead try to decide on a few things she does that are worth responding to, things that are more than just irritating, and decide that you will respond firmly and consistently to them. Bear in mind that big punishments are less effective than small immediate ones that you can repeat, and big punishments should only be given for really big crimes. Losing her swimming lesson or not going out that day might be appropriate for extreme physical aggression but otherwise it's just too big to work. Suitable punishments are time outs or taking away the pencils until tomorrow if you catch her drawing on the wall. Taking away something she loves just because she loves it is unkind - consequences should be related to the thing that she did wrong. And have lots of small rewards planned for specific bits of good or ordinary co-operative behaviour that you want to encourage, too. If she does whatever straight away then there is time for five minutes or story. Rather than rewarding or punishing her to get obedience you can try to jolly her along with when-then - "when you have put the Lego in the box then we can get the paints out" or "when you have put your shoes on then we can go to the park" "when you have washed you hands then we can have tea".

Decide that some things - minor annoyances - you will simply ignore. Ignoring is hard work but it can be a very powerful and effective response to behaviour that winds you up. So if DD does as she is told but rolls her eyes, you can decide that eye-rolling is not worth reacting to, you can just praise her for doing whatever-it-was. You can even decide that grunting or complaining are best ignored for the time being. You could introduce a reward or praise for doing as she is told immediately without grumbling (but be careful how you word the praise so as not to come across as backhanded - "why can't you always do that" is backhanded and will undermine you ).

Make one a few clear rules about important things and tell her what they are. For example you can have a rule about spitting - spitting only happens in the bathroom, if she wants to spit she can go in the bathroom and spit to her heart's content. Spitting anywhere else gets a 5 minute time out. If she spits again, 5 more minutes. And so on. Plan your response to each serious misbehaviour, and keep your responses small and easily repeated. Avoid piling up punishments if she gets angry at the first punishment - just stick to your first punishment and ignore the kicking off that follows. Ignore all the "I don't care" nonsense, she doesn't mean it but the more you react the more she will say it. Just go ahead with the little punishment that you have planned.

Good luck