5yo DS behaviour

[ShackUp]

DS was 5 in November. He is seeing an OT later this month about his sensory issues, and his teacher has asked that I take him to the GP about his 'crashes' where he just rages. He also hates losing, to the extent that he will sabotage a game if he thinks he's going to lose. Yesterday he threw grass over teammates at football when they scored against him.

I don't know how to help him with his behaviour. I talk to him at length about what is and isn't acceptable, he's had all devices removed from him for months, I just don't have anywhere left to go.

I don't know if this is relevant, but he's very bright (free reading) although his progress is obviously going to be hampered by his behaviour. Any advice welcome!

Any ideas?

Basically, patience and tolerance, and try to keep things relaxed and positive at home no matter what mayhem is going at school(!) It may not help much to talk to him repeatedly about things he can't do yet, that will just upset him. At this stage I would back off trying to teach him to behave better until you have had some assessments done so that you know what he really can and can't do. He may not yet be ready to understand some very basic things, or he may not yet have enough self control to avoid lashing out, even if knows better in theory and knows he will be punished. Knowing you will be punished for something you can't help doing adds to anxiety, and anxiety fuels lashing out in itself. It may help to lower your expectations and treat him like a much younger child for the things you know he really can't cope with, like losing. Avoid punishment, and if you do punish him then keep punishments short and immediate (same day, then over); don't escalate punishments (if you punish and he gets angry about it and has a tantrum then don't punish him for that, just stick to the original punishment) and don't punish him at home for what happens in school.

At that age my DS had both rage attacks and extreme difficulty losing (though not so many sensory issues). We just didn't make him lose. You can play badly yourself or take a handicap or cheat so that he wins, the way you would for much younger child. For a couple of years we (and our friends) played endless games of tag with my DS and other kids where DS never got caught. If you're playing a turn taking game like snakes and ladders and he is starting to lose then switch players with him. You might think that this is not teaching him to lose, but actually it is teaching him to enjoy all the other complexities of game playing with other people - taking turns, waiting while someone else makes a move, doing a little better or a little worse. Learning to lose is the cherry on the cake and it will come to him later, maybe a lot later than other kids. It helps if everything else is already in place. At age six DS went to a ballgames class where they were very good at teaching sportsmanship step by step and the teacher adjusted to DS's needs - DS was always last out at dodgeball. And DS got there in the end, even joined the school footie team when he was a bit older.

For managing the rage attacks at home have a look at Ross Greene's Explosive Child book and Lives in the Balance website. It was our life-saver, espeically while waiting for DS to be assessed (he ended up with an ASC diagnosis, but I'm not saying that your DS is the same). Ross Greene's approach works well for kids when rewards and punishments aren't getting anywhere, and it doesn't depend on any particular diagnosis.

If your DS does get an ASC diagnosis, then Social Stories may be a way to get across the kind of social behaviour that's expected. But I am not sure whether that approach would work if he turns out to have different issues.

kleinzeit you are amazing, thank you!

I do currently try to alter the rules of games to make them more tailored to him - I will try engineering things a bit more.

I have The Explosive Child but have only read it piecemeal, will try to do it a bit more systematically starting now.

Thank you so so much, this really is invaluable advice, I'm at such a loss with him