DH and I were awarded residency of his two children about 2 years ago. DH and his ex had been separated for 5 years prior to that and he only had bi-weekend access to his children in that time, so really hadn't had chance to properly observe Dsd's development. Dsd and dss are 12 and 10 and went through a lot of emotional trauma in the events that led to them living with us. That said dh and I both have a very strong feeling that dsd has an increasingly serious problem which goes beyond this.
Camhs (?) and school have viewed any behaviour as a result of recent trauma, however having spoken to friends and family who knew dsd before I met her at 6, this doesn't fit. We are really struggling to get any sort of assistance or insight, so as to help dsd develop more appropriate behaviour.
In essence, at her worst, Dsd entirely lacks empathy or remorse, is emotionally manipulative and cruel. Her behaviour towards her younger brother especially is a yoyo of cruelty and kindness - he really bears the brunt of her behaviour, although she has also aimed it at others. She can be utterly charming and sweet - especially when centre of attention. She seems to have less tumultuous relationships with younger children than with those of the same age. Dsd is clearly emotionally younger than her years. She will purposely forget information, or repeatedly ask the same question - this sometimes feels like she is trying to reassure herself. She is also virtually incapable of expressing her own opinions, thoughts or feelings (beyond happy and sad).
Whenever dh's ex throws another change into the dsc's life (she has recently moved house and returned to the disfunctional relationship, that was the part of the reason for the children living with us) the negative behaviour amplifies. Last night she punched dss in the head for accidentally knocking her and when she was sent to bed she had a screaming tantrum, the first in over a year. As soon as I walked into her room she stopped crying and showed absolutely no emotion whatsoever.
When she first came to live with us DH and I had to negotiate 3-4 hours of screaming and tantrums every bed time for about 6 months. She would only do it if DH was in the house - he really struggles with her emotional manipulation. We eventually stopped the pattern by sending dh to our (retired mental health nurse) neighbours house for a (much needed) glass of wine every night at bed time! I have a childcare background so I suppose this has helped.
Dsd is very clearly the favourite child with her mother - the only moment of empathy dsd has ever shown was to say she felt sorry for her brother because "everybody knows that I'm mummy's favourite". Although dsd has also said that she hates her mother for making her boyfriend the favourite before dsd. There is a strong theme of who or what is the favourite for her.
The frustrating this is that dsd is by no means an entirely bad child, it is quite clear that she has the potential to behave within a "normal" range, we just need to help her harness her powers for good! DH and I desperately want to help her, but we are struggling to get any recognition let alone assistance for this. At 12 we really desperately want to turn this around so that she can learn to develop a healthy relationship with others. What direction do we take this in. Our gp is ineffectual and school are lovely but ineffective.