5 year old behavioural problems

[bunnyone]

I don’t know where else to turn. I am at my wits end with my DD. She is 5 and a force to be reckoned with. Daily activities are a constant battle. From brushing teeth, to eating breakfast, getting dressed, getting in the car.... you name it and we fight about it. The more I try to encourage her the more stubborn she becomes. And she answers back, and doesn’t respect me at all. The school run normally ends with me driving away from school in tears because the morning has been so stressful. During the day I tell myself I’m the parent and she’s only 5, and to give her a chance, but within minutes of collecting her she’s at it again. I swear she just wants an argument.
She doesnt listen, in fact she goes out of her way to do the things I ask her NOT to do. I might say ‘beware of the muddy puddle, don’t get your white socks wet’, and she’ll go and stand straight in it. It’s like she’s testing me. I think she WANTS to be in trouble. All. The. Time. She seems so different to all the other children....
I try so hard to remain calm and understanding but often lose my temper and feel like the world’s worst mother for shouting and screaming. I say things I regret and apologise and we start afresh, but within the day (or hour!) things go bad again. I don’t feel like I’m coping. I have a DS who is 3, and I worry what he has to put up with and witness. I genuinely feel my children would be better of without me. I’m not saying this for sympathy, it’s what I really think. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong and it’s wearing me down. I’m worried for the future. I don’t know who to talk to.

It sounds as if you’ve both got into a negative cycle, we’ve all done it and at least you’ve recognised it and been brave enough to admit you need to change.

Have you heard of Calm Parent, Happy Kids?

What is she like for other people? What does her teacher say she's like in the claasroom?

Have you tried focusing on the good things she does and making a fuss of her for these and giving her attention then.

Sometimes if a child starts seeing themselves as 'good' they start living up to that image a bit more.

I think you should accept there will be a certain level of bad behaviour but try to turn a blind eye to the less important stuff or use distraction. Like if you see a muddy puddle coming up - intead of saying 'don't jump in that', you could say 'tell me what your favourite cartoon is?'and hopefully she won't jump in the puddle as she's busy chatting to you.

I am so grateful for your replies thank you. You have given me some ideas so thank you. Tomorrow I will start being as positive as I can... I think it just helps to share.

When demand avoidance is quite extreme like this it might be useful to have a look at PDA

www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-PDA/about-pda

The strategies described here are helpful in creating a calmer home life with children who struggle with demands, regardless of whether they’re on the utism spectrum or not:

www.pdasociety.org.uk/families/strategies

What's she like at school and what's her receptive language like? Just the example of behaviour given could be attributed to poor receptive language?

She’s ok at school. Just gets told she needs to listen more. But she’s not naughty and doesn’t really get in trouble. I try and start each day positively but I can’t seem to get through a single day feeling happy. It always goes wrong.

oh my - i could have written this !!!! In fact as i write this i'm crying, My daughter is 7 and we have just had the bed time routine of trying to get her to bed (in fact shes still awake and will be til about 9/10)
Nothing i seem to do works i start off well then end up shouting and both of us end up in tears - she cant seem to be nice when answering questions simple questions like would you like gravy !!! I dont know what else to do - I have involved the school and looking into private healthcare ???
Im sorry i can not be of help BuT i do know what your going through xxx

I feel your pain!! Sorry for my delayed reply. Life had taken over.
I take comfort that I am not alone but I don’t like to hear you are in tears. Today was the first day we have not argued in ages, and I am sure it’s because I have changed how I react to her. JiltedJohnsJulie above recommend a book about calm parenting (thank you!!!) and I think it is helping me see how my behaviour affects hers. I am hopeful. I just don’t want to spend the rest of my days as they are now. Something has to change and I think it starts with me.
I hope things get better for you x

This book is a great help thank you x

It sounds like I could have written that post my DD is 6 in July and she is the exact same he has no fear with me and does not care about being punished she goes all in no half measures with this one she's cheeky stubborn and an attitude to boot and she takes crap from nobody! In some ways I'd like her to have the ability to stand up for herself but not with me if you figure out how to put a lid on it pls let me know but you're kids would not be better off without you! You are only one person and you're doing your best even when you give yourself some credit cause as far as mums go we don't do it enough

I have one like this. We started using this method of parenting . I read a book called Playful Parenting by Lawrence cohen and also started trying this method of parenting:

www.handinhandparenting.org/

It was totally counterintuitive for me- no punishments or rewards/ listening to them when they are being naughty/ obnoxious instead of isolating them/ shouting etc etc. It was very weird and felt all wrong at first, but I really saw results. Good luck. It's so hard. Some kids are just way more challenging than others.

Thank you binbagmom - I am trying to be a calmer parent this week and ignoring outbursts. Trying not to get angry and just taking it slowly.
Beclev24 thanks I’ll take a look. Willing to try anything at the moment!!! X