Did we cause this?

[TwittleBee]

Stupidly we decided to try teaching our DS (nearly 11 months) to self settle after much persuasion by MiL & antenatal friends. We weren’t sure about doing it because of the debate surrounding cortisol levels and the Amygdala and Hippocampus etc. But we felt pressured, especially by MiL who looks after DS for us whilst we work and is struggling with DS wanting to be cuddled/rocked to sleep. Plus our friends have all said it has worked for their babies (although they started it at a younger age).

To cut a long story short it didn’t go well, each night got worse and our DS who used to sleep through would wake multiple times screaming. We only done it for 6 nights because it got so bad we felt like we were torturing him. Luckily we tried this on a week’s holiday from work so we weren’t sleep deprived as we napped in the day. We went back to cuddling/rocking and he sleeps through again.

BUT now he freaks out whenever we leave him (as we have returned back to work), at nursery and with MiL he refuses to eat, drink or sleep and instead seeks out his blanket and sits there shaking quietly in the corner. DH has to keep going to get him as no one is sure what to do.
I think I probably made it worse too because the other day I had to leave him in his pram whilst I quickly parked the car up (couldn’t get him out of the car once parked) and although I could see him the whole time (he wasn’t more than 2 meters away) he started hyper-ventilating (only way I can describe what happened) and shaking uncontrollably. Once I scooped him up he was holding me so tight and it took me half hour to calm him down.

I know that it does sound like separation anxiety rearing its head but isn't it too much of a coincidence that this has surfaced at same time we started trying to self settle?

Any help or advice in how to overcome this? DH cant take any more time off work really to go collect him and my job isn't easy to leave.

That sounds like a really extreme reaction from your DS. "Sitting there shaking quietly in the corner" is not the usual separation anxiety. That usually passes off quite quickly. Is your DS new to nursery or has he been at nursery before? Trying to sleep train and start nursery at the same time may just be too much, and if he is already getting childcare from MIL then maybe adding nursery into the mix is too much at this stage? Can you take some time out of work and keep him at home for a while til he settles down again?

If your MiL and the nursery can't cope with the extra effort of settling your DS then I am not sure what is going on but it sounds as if he needs something extra. He may just grow out of it, but in the meantime maybe have a word with your GP or health visitor?

That does sound like a very extreme reaction. One of mine had separation anxiety in that he wanted me in sight at all times for a period and cried when I wasn’t there, but he would stop crying the second he saw me/was picked up by me.

Shaking in a corner sounds very unusual for any child, let alone such a young one. How is he with MIL at other times?

It’s probably not the self settling - although if you did CIO I do think it can affect them in the day. We tried it briefly with mine at 13 months but he was hysterical so we abandoned it straight away, but for a few nights he clung to me at bedtime.

I would concentrate on giving him loads of cuddles and reassurance and fun.

For self settling, we did a very very gentle approach at about 18 months, he’s been a great sleeper since then.

He has been at nursery and with MiL since 4 months old so I really thought he would have been used to it. He had been totally okay too with going from day 1.

Maybe I'll have to mention it to HV next time I am off work and HV is free.

I’d look elsewhere, because your boy is terrified about something that’s the reaction of a terrified child. Not to point fingers but you might want to start asking questions further out your family of 3..

I agree. Something has happened to cause a reaction like this - I would be popping by when MIL isn’t expecting it to be honest, around nap time.

This behaviour first appeared though when he was in our care? He would only be happy if he could see us? Then it developed into not eating/drinking/sleeping when at Nursery and then he continued this behaviour with MiL (whom he usually has a good relationship with, plus his favourite Uncle lives there too and not even he could seem to cheer him up?)

This morning we have decided to not send him nursery - DH has the day off anyway.

Sleep training that goes wrong usually leads to clinginess. What you are describing sounds very extreme. I agree with posters above. It does sound like something else has happened (unrelated to sleep training).

Sorry but I really would be asking the adults if anything has gone on as it sounds like he’s very scared hope he’s ok and you get to the bottom of it

His age is separation anxiety and yes I would say you have made it worse. He needs to be feeling more secure than ever and instead he has experienced the opposite.

I would try to make him feel as secure as possible and do what's best for him, fuck whatever anyone else thinks. You're his parents and it's your job to meet his needs, not to make him behave or sleep in a way that is convenient at his expense.

I dont want to make you feel worse than you do your obviously very concerned already however this does not sound normal. I've never heard of an 11 month old shaking like that? A call to your health visitor sounds a great place to start. Also could you apply for parental leave at work? Sitting in with some nusery sessions might be worthwhile too. Hope yourself and child are feeling much better soon