Shy 8 year old

[siobhann86]

My 8 year old son is very shy and he makes situations awkward for himself by being shy. Of a morning on the school playground his school friends will be busy playing on the playground equipment or running about but ds just stands so close to me with his head down. He has 3 close friends at school but refuses to play with them in the mornings. They come up to ds and talk to him but he barely utters a word back unless it's to talk about his baby brother but his friends lose interest quickly and walk off. Teachers say he's a good student but quiet. At home he's completely different. Almost bully like towards his brother, younger cousins and one of my friends child who is also 8. Today his sister rang and i was having to tell him what to say and even then he was only half opening his mouth and sounded like a two year old trying to talk! It really frustrated me. Theres been shy with strangers i get, but acting shy with sister and school friends? People think he's younger than he is because of his shyness and the way he mumble talks. He starts senior school in two years and im worried his shyness is going to make him stick out anyone else had shy kids that grew out of it?

I was a shy child and the absolute worst thing my parents did was making a big deal out of it and put pressure on me to be someone I was not. My dad made me feel ashamed of who I am and under constant pressure to be more sociable.

I know its hard for you as we don't like to see our children appear to strugggle - but you need to accept him the way he is and never let your disappointment show to him.

If he wants to hang about with you in the morning then let him. He might just need time to adapt and warm up to the situation. The fact that he has 3 good friends is a very good sign. They know him and like him even if he's not the most outgoing.

I would work on building up his self esteem and pointing out his positives and forget about the 'negatives'.

My dad's focus on my shyness made me feel more anxious, which in turn made me more shy. I very gradually grew out of my shyness but I'm still a quiet person, just not as anxious. It took until my 20's to get to that point.

I meant to say I would have grown out of it a lot sooner if my dad had taken a different approach - but I would always be a quieter person because that's just who I am. There's nothing wronng with being quiet and it hadn't held me back.

Thanks for your response. It's just worrying as i dont want him to stand out from the crowd. And his shyness is making him miss out on fun opportunities in and out of school that i know he will love if he just pushed himself to do it. My Mum is also a very shy person and i feel so sorry for her as sometimes she struggles to communicate because of her shyness or she comes across as being rude and she's not meaning to be. I sometimes have to speak for her as she struggles with what to say and i don't want this for my ds. I will take your advice and not mention the word shy or push him to do things he doesn't want to and hopefully one day he'll be comfortable and confident in who he is x

Not knowing what to say on the phone is pretty normal. But you might want to take a look at The Unwritten Rules of Friendship. He might really be very unsure about how to interact positively with other children, so some of the exercises in the book might just help to build his confidence. The chapters on "The Shy Child" and the "Different Drummer" might give you some clues, and maybe also (because of the way he interacts with his cousins) "The Born Leader" and "The Short-Fused Child".