How to support an overwhelmed toddler

[PeapodBurgundy]

DS just turned 2 last month, and has had a tough few days (pretty sure it's tiredness related as it's all coincided with a few nights of poor sleep). It takes very little for him to get overwhelmed. Yesterday it was because he didn't want to get in his car seat. He resisted getting in, I asked if he wanted to go swimming, or go home which he is able to understand, but not verbally answer but he just cried and clung on to me, pointing at the house, so we tried to come back indoors, but he then wouldn't do that either, he just laid in the bath and cried, even though he was in full control of what he was doing, nobody was trying to persuade him to do/not do anything.

The same reaction happened today at soft play. He'd asked for some dinner (all fine, we'd planned to eat there), I gave him two options of meal to choose from as usual, so he picked what he wanted, chose his drink and pudding. All fine until we went to leave the counter with our drinks and food order number. He didn't understand he was to wait for them to cook it and bring it to the table, and just kept pointing at the counter and asking for dinner. Again this resulted in him laying the floor in tears

It's not what I would describe as a tantrum, as he's not angry or aggressive with it, he's just really sad and overwhelmed. When he's like this, he won't let me touch him, and it makes it worse if I talk to him, so at the moment, I'm just sitting a little bit away and leaving him to cry until he decides he wants a cuddle (which he will eventually sit up and ask for). It just feels so shitty leaving him laid on the floor sobbing, but I can't see another way to handle it, he doesn't want me near him until he's got a bit of it out of his system. Is there more I could have done to head it off before he got that upset? Is there more I can be doing to help him? I suspect his lack of speech isn't helping matters either. His comprehension is yards ahead of his speech, so he usually copes just fine with making himself understood. Just these past two days he's just not coped.

Any comments gratefully received.

*on the path, not in the bath!

I think they just go through these phases now and then. I think you just have to carefully explain everything (we’re going to order your dinner and then they cook it and then they will tell us when it’s ready”). I used to do a distraction of “I wonder if it will be here before we’ve finished counting to 20” or “shall we have a cuddle/draw a picture/run as fast as you can while we wait?”

It sounds like you’re doing the right thing offering two options.

The only other thing I would do is verbalise their sadness “it looks like you’re tired and sad that dinner isn’t here yet - I feel hungry too”

But to an extent I think this is the life of a 2 year old.

Thanksfor the response. We usually do talk about what we're doing, but the food thing came out of nowhere as it's not a new set up for him. We eat out at the leisure centre every Thursday lunch time and have done since he was a few weeks old (a clan of us who met at breastfeeding group used to go for lunch afterwards, and the lunch part has stuck even though we don't go to the group any more), and it's the same arrangement. He'll eat any of the menu options (I swear the child has hollow legs! , so I always give him a choice of 2 which fit best with what he's eaten/will be eating that week, he chooses his juice, he gives the money in, then carries his juice carton and the food order number to the table, before going to choose which colour booster seat he wants. There was another little boy from his French lesson who came to soft play too (the class is in a room within the soft play centre, so you get half price play after the class), so he still had a friend there with him, and also had the option of going to play while he waited for his food which he doesn;t have at the leisure centre. It must just have been the change of venue which threw him off his game I think.

I'll try talking to him but without looking at him, as when I tried to verbally sooth him on these two occasions, he screamed and writhed around. He didn't want a thing to do with me. He's obviously welcome to his space as long as he's not laid anywhere dangerousor in people'sway, but it just feels uncomfortable watching him cry and doing nothing.

We have a mess free colouring kit and a pack of mini jigsaws which live under the pram for distraction purposes, and he usually chooses a little car or train to carry in the pram with him, but it's new behaviour that caught me on the hop. The joys of toddlers

My daughter is like this and she just turned three last month. To give you an example, I picked her up from nursery the other day and asked if she wanted to get an ice-cream. She started getting really upset and cried. After calming down, she told me that she didn't want an ice-cream, she wanted an ice-lolly! I think it has a lot to do with being tired after doing some activities and not being able to communicate very well in the case of your son. What works for us when she has a meltdown is to try to sit her down preferably on something quite low like a bean bag or on my lap when crouching down. Sitting makes her compose herself a bit more than just letting her roll on the floor or something. I then tell her to breathe and do some a long breath in - breathe out. I then stay with her without saying anything apart from a quiet repeated 'shush' until she calms down. I find that trying to hug her or talk to her when she's having a meltdown makes things worse.

Hope it helps and hope as I'm sure you do too that it's just a phase

DS just started smacking his head on the doorstep when I tried to pick him up and bring him indoors after the 'no swimming' debacle. He won't let me anywhere near him. He's not had another one since thankfully, so with any luck it will be less of a frequent thing than it felt like. Two in three days made me worry I think.

My DD did the same thing à couple of times when she was around 1.5 (trying to smack her head). That's why I stay with her when it happens and don't try to pick her up until she calms down a bit. Not easy when you're in a public place and everybody is staring at you... It does get better. I promise you! She actually hasn't had one of these epic meltdowns for a quite a while now, just fairly normal toddler stuff.

As she got older I've also had a talk with her about when she gets upset, she gets sad and mummy gets sad to and it's not fair on anybody - type of thing.

I think the communication is the crux of it myself. He can understand what we say to him perfectly well, he can follow instructions with multiple steps,but he's obviously beyond listening once he's that upset. He's still not saying more than two words together, so he can't actually say 'I don't want to/I want to do such and such' (although this past few days he's started saying 'No',which as PITA as that can be, I'm actually pleased about in relation to the tantrums).

Although I did speak too soon on the tantrum front. About an hour after I posted yesterday, wenipped into the shop to get change for the bus and he threw himself on the floor because I wouldn't let him have a pack of fruit pastilles. At least he was just in a mood so I was able to pick him up and carry him from the shop to let him finish his strop outside where he was causing less of a disturbance.

You are absolutely right. And even when they start to talk it's still hard for them to deal with strong emotions, especially frustration. I think you'll work out eventually how to best handle it by trial and error and picking up tips from other people. That's why I'm often lurking on mumsnet

DD's favourite answer whenever I ask her to do something at the moment is 'not yet'. So next on your list will be honing your negotiating skills!

To be honest, throwing themselves on the floor because you say no is totally part and parcel of toddler behaviour They’re testing the boundaries to see if that behaviour works and by ignoring and removing, they will learn that it’s not a successful strategy!

But some children carry on tantrumming for loads of reasons. One of mine had great speech and I was strict as anything and yet he carried on for about two years because that’s his personality - strong willed and argumentative

I think it’s more about avoiding a tantrum turning into a meltdown. You know, the one where they’re sobbing uncontrollably and hyperventilate type of thing. It does get better as you get better with dealing with it and they get better at expressing what they want.

I know exactly what you mean about having a strong willed, argumentative child. I keeping telling my three year old I don’t negotiate with terrorists but her second favorite word at the moment is ‘Whyyyyy?’

Oh the joys I still have to come! Haha. I can cope with the moody tantrum. It's a bit embarassing, but that one I just scooped him up, carried hi out of the shop, and waited for him to finish. We were on our way swimming, he's allowed to use the locker pound to choose soething from the vending machine afterwards, so he wasn;t having sweets on the morning too. It was either him have a tentrum when he wasn't allowed sweeets in the shop, or have it later when he wasn't allowed a choose from the machine. I figured keeping to his routine was better, so the shop tantrum it was, haha.

My career pre-DS was in Early Years, specifically SEN, so I've witnessed some serious meltdowns in my time. As much as I cared for those children (I really did, and am still in touch with a lot of the families I've worked with in the past), there wasn't the same level of emotional attachment as I have with DS. As much as I hated seeing them distressed, I was detached enough to view it objectively, and act in whichever way I felt best. Work Peapod and Mammy Peapod are more different than I realised we would be. The bit I can't stomach is just sitting there while he's upset, doing nothing, VS trying to do something which makes him more distressed. I'm hoping we'll get better at heading it off, or I'm going to have some serious toughening up to do! Megetting into a tizz as well isn;t going to help anything.

Very interesting and very reassuring in some ways that having a visceral reaction to your own child's discomfort is 100% normal. Recently my DD cut her foot, not to badly but it was bleeding. I dealt with it but I was very upset afterwards. If it had been somebody else, I'd probably be like 'let's clean this up and put a plaster - OK done'. I guess I need to toughen up too