He just doesn't listen

[Racheyg]

Ds1 is nearly 5 and has always been hard work.
Temper tantrums, head butting walls ect as a toddler (which stopped around age 3) Didn't speak till 3.2 but hasn't stopped since, constant questions ect.

My one problem is he doesn't listen......at all. He can hear perfectly well but just refuses to. We end up having to threaten him with taking stuff away ect. Time outs and the step don't work.

I hate shouting. But it gets so bad his dad shouts at him as it's so frustrating. I then get angry at oh it's starting to ruin our relationship.

I just don't know how to get him to listen. I go to his level maintain eye contact ect but nothing. He just back chats and shouts st me.

Sorry feeling very heartbroken by a tough day today

Listen, as in listen to anything you ask / anything to tell him?
or
Listen as in 'do as he's told' ?

back do as he asked. He just totally zoned out. The gets frustrated when he doesn't get his own way.

I'm so tired of it. It constant

Is it possible he has autism given he spoke so late and is zoned out a bit at times now?

My DS has autism. He started to speak at the expected age but would often zone out and be deeply lost in his thoughts when he is 5. He still does it a bit now at age 8 but not as much.

If it is autism then shouting anf getting annoyed won't help him.

cereal I don't think he has autism. He has empathy and eye contact ect. I did do the online assessment and he came back as very low. I did sometimes wonder about it though as he is totally obsessed with things like plugs, extension leads ect.

We don't shout too much, I just wish I could help him understand how to listen ect. If I say if you keep doing ..........then no treat. He listens but I just hate the whole threatening.

Honestly having empathy doesn't stop you being autistic- lots of autistic people have a surfeit of empathy; my DS1 included. And eye contact can be learned. If his hearing is fine he may have delayed processing. Take another look at ASD strategies. If he's not autistic they won't make things worse and if he is they could really help.

My son has empathy too - in fact sometimes too much empathy! People with autism might at times appear to lack empathy as they might misunderstand a social situation but, provided they understand what is going on, they generally have as much empathy as any other person. For example, my son feels very sad if he sees an animal or insect being hurt. If he sees that I am sad he immediately notices and tries to make me feel better.

Also, things like lack of eye contact are just things that might indicate autism but are not requirements for it. My son's eye contact is quite good.

My son is 'high functioning' and is largely as 'normal' as anyone else but does have some issues like the zoning out.

So, I'm not saying your son has autism - as obviously I don't know him - but just what you mention about the zoning out makes me think maybe there is some sensory issue. My friend's son has sensory issues but does not have autism. My son has sensory issues as part of his autism and I think it is the sensory issues that make him zone out.

Have a look at this page and the part that describes children who are sensory under responsive.
www.ot-mom-learning-activities.com/sensory-processing-disorder-in-children.html

Or could it be auditory processing disorder?
www.nhs.uk/conditions/auditory-processing-disorder/

Maybe he doesn't have any deeper issues but it is possible there is something going on that he might need a bit of help with. It might be worth talking to your GP.

As I said, my son doesn't really zone out that much anymore at age 8 - but I remember when he was 5 being a bit freaked out as he often stared blankly into space and didn't seem to hear anyone talking to him. He wasn't like that all the time and was mostly very connected and responsive. He is much more engaged now.

Wow it's really interesting as I have very little understanding of autism and though eye contact ect were the signs.

I read up about the apd, he loves music but hates loud noises. For example his school disco, he hated even though he loved nearly every song played.

He is also not very sociable with other children but will chat for hours to adults.

I'm going to read up more on autism. He did get assessed for hearing ect when he had his speech delay and he had perfect hearing.

This comic is really worth looking at for understanding how autism can present very differently in different people.
themighty.com/2016/05/rebecca-burgess-comic-redesigns-the-autism-spectrum/

Sorry, if I sound like I'm trying to push the autism thing as I could be completely wrong and he might have some other issue going on or nothing at all. Its just that some things you mention do remind me if my son or of other children I know who have autism.

My son would react the same to loud music - he might love the song but hate it being blasted very loud and might start getting agitated and upset and cover his ears. My son would also interact better with adults but he also likes children his age and wants to be friends with them. He likes being socialable but his social skills are weak so its hard for him to form close friendships.