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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

7 yr old ~ DS lying ~ school now say they are concerned, need advice

26 replies

bouncy · 11/05/2007 09:11

Just got called into ds school to ask if he was ok, and they are getting a little concerned about his lying. Its things like the teacher was talking about tigers, and my son had a scratch on his arm and said to the teacher thats where I got my scratch from, but don't tell mum as should would get upset.

I posted a very long time ago a thread like this (about his lying) and from the comments I was not overly concerned about it.

But obviously i am now that the teacher has concerns, its not like he lies and says someone has hurt him or anything, its silly little things he lies about, teacher said ts like he doesn't realise whats true and not true. I am very worried. Nothing has changed in his life over the last year, I am sure he is not being bullied or anything as he is quick to tell things like this.

The teacher also mentioned that a few days ago he broke something, she said it was totally out of character and he hid it, but when they were called later in assembly he owned up and looked really sad and sorry for himself.

I really do not know where to start.

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HuwEdwards · 11/05/2007 09:15

Sorry if I'm missing something here and you are obv worried, but this sounds like normal behaviour to me. Kids in dds class tell all sorts of wild and wacky stories - 'I can swim to the bottom of the pool and stay there for half an hour' is one I heard. Doesn't it just show a high imagination?

As for breaking something - he did eventually own up to it, which is a really good thing . And the 'sad and sorry for himself' was probably a bit of embarassment.

Honestly, all sounds perfectly normal to me .

NoodleStroodle · 11/05/2007 09:18

Bouncy I think this is fairly normal.

Original poster

bouncy · 11/05/2007 09:20

thats what I have always though and he has a great imagination, imaginary friends etc etc, but the teacher has 20 years of experience and I just thought as she had mentioned it and that she was starting to get concerned about him. I just cant help worry and feel I should be doing something.

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ahundredtimes · 11/05/2007 09:21

Do you think he knows what's true and not true? Has he sat and argued till he's blue in the face that he was actually born in Russia? My DS1 used to tell stories all the time - how old is yours? - and I just used to grin at him and then he'd grin back. Think teacher sounds a little over-concerned. I'm sure he knows perfectly well that a tiger didn't scratch him - but he may just wish it was true, which is totally different!

Does she think he's attention-seeking? Sometimes, I think teacher's try and raise concerns in a rather round about way.

NoodleStroodle · 11/05/2007 09:24

DD has a wild imagination - occasionally her teacher will call me in to clarify things - the story she wrote about being made to live under the stairs springs to mind {blush]. She also talks to herself constantly - its hard to get a word in edge ways.

I suppose you should try to clarify the situation with breaking things, lies that can hurt people and that when that happens its best to own up before it gets too big...

When DD starts on a wild story on what happened at shcool today I chip in with more and more outlandish suggestions until we have a comic story running and so she knows that I know she is "lying" but really it is a wild imagination and her life is just not exciting enough!

Original poster

bouncy · 11/05/2007 09:28

ds is almost 8.

I think he knows whats right and whats wrong, but I know they are different at school as I used to help out in other classes.

It seemed he broke the thing by doing something he was told not to as it would break, so therefore she said he done it on purpose, she didn't seem concerned about that as he clearly expressed remorse.

I know I should speak to him about it, but don't know exactly the best way to go about it, be understanding fromt he start or take the toughter angle.

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Idreamofdaleks · 11/05/2007 09:29

my 7 year old sometimes makes stuff up - I ask her "is that true, or is that what you would like to be true?"...or else I say I am going to ask x about it and see what they think. This normally sorts out the truth.

I think lying is the wrong word for what my daughter does - my mum calls it "romancing". Your son has a vivid imagination to say that a tiger scratched him...and what on earth is the problem with that? There is no need to be completely literal about everything, even as an adult.

Malicious and devious lies would be another thing but I don't think this is what you are talking about?

ahundredtimes · 11/05/2007 09:32

Don't think of white horses - what sprang into your mind, white horses right?
So don't play with that it'll break - goes and plays with it. . .

I reckon she's just pd off because he broke it, so she's also throwing in the fact that he makes things up. I wouldn't make too heavy weather of it tbh, I'm sure he feels bad enough already.

NoodleStroodle · 11/05/2007 09:32

Bouncy go from the understanding angle.

Can you use a story from your own life - when you pranged Daddy's car but did not own up straight away and then he was more upset or similiar...(can't think why i thought of that )

I think empathy - we all lie - sometimes for the good sometimes not.

My concern with the children is whilst the "romancing" (lovely term) is fine it's not when it can hurt - he should be old enough to get that..

newlifenewname · 11/05/2007 09:34

Slightly different but my exp lies in a similar way. He is an adult (obv.) and he has Personality Disorder.

This behaviour can be a sort of disocciative thing.

Is there anything about himself or home or school he may be wishing to block out do you think?

This takes some serious thinking as it could be something very subtle or something that wouldn't matter to you but does to him.

He may be quick to tell you many things but there may be this one thing that he feels he needs to deal with diferently and so he lies.

Or, of course it could be just a great imagination used innapropriately and you would need to give lots of advice on when to be creative with reality and when not. However, at this age I would imagine he knows that already which is why I start my reply as I have.

MamaMaiasaura · 11/05/2007 09:38

I have a 7 year old ds and the amount of silly stories him and his friends share in funny. It is the age old, my dads a police man and will arrest you, well my dads bigger thanyour dad and he's a super hero.

Sounds like your ds as a great imagination in terms of the tiger. About the broken item, think it is normal to worry as a child you will get in trouble and hide it. He did own up, bless him and it does sound accidental.

Try not to worry too much. I think it might be help to re-inforce how important the truth is and he can always tell you, but the imagination part is entirely normal imo. xxx

MamaMaiasaura · 11/05/2007 09:39

newlifenewname. THis certainly does not sound like personality disorder to me .. sorry but am a quilified MH nurse and a 7 year olds tall stories do not equate to a personality disorder!

Panyanpickle77 · 11/05/2007 09:40

I'd be more worried about the teacher. It sounds like they are really overreacting to a little boy with a good imagination. Its not like he is hurting anyone. Maybe he didn't own up to breaking the thing the other day because he new he'd have to face a massive overreaction from the teacher. He sounds like a lovely little boy. (my neice told her teacher that her mum wasn't her real mum, her real mum was shot by a hunter who thought she was a squirrel because she had her hair tied up like a squirrels tail! )

MamaMaiasaura · 11/05/2007 09:41

HE could have been scratched by a tiger.. maybe him and a friend played jungle animals and his friend was a tiger???

NoodleStroodle · 11/05/2007 09:41

Very perceptive awen

MamaG · 11/05/2007 09:44

I can remember telling my teacher we'd got a kitten, when I was 7 (we hadn't).

Next day, parents evening looming, I decided to tell the teacher that the kitten had been eaten by a lion(!) so she wouldn't mention it to my Mum

Perfectly normal IMO. DD is 7 now and most of her class tell VERY tall tales, its just part of having a wildimagination.

Original poster

bouncy · 11/05/2007 09:44

lol this is whats great about mumsnet, I was in tears earlier and now I start to feel better by your replies.

I will have a good talk to him this weekend, something casual, he is sleeping at a friends tonight so will have to wait until tomorrow.

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newlifenewname · 11/05/2007 09:45

Sorry, I mentioned this about xp in order to make a distinction between adult lying and chidren lying not to draw on similarities - the dissociation was the similar part, in my view.

Apologies if I confused or concerned.

Original poster

bouncy · 11/05/2007 09:45

lol yes now I come to think of it I remember telling a teacher the santa has his xmas dinner round our house as he loves my mums cooking, I got some strange looks off the teachers and took a good few years for it to sink in why they didn't believe me.

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MamaG · 11/05/2007 09:47

Bouncy I once told a teacher I was American because I'd been born on a plan flying over the USA and that was the reason I had black plimsolls when the rest of the class had white ones - WTF?!

Panyanpickle77 · 11/05/2007 09:53

A lad I used to work with told me he used to be an Albino! He was 18, and his dad had jokingly said it to him many years before, and he truly beleived him. How we mocked and laughed...................cruel but true

MamaMaiasaura · 11/05/2007 09:59

LOL Mrsaek .. very cruel.. but

newlifenewname · 11/05/2007 10:03

awen, in your experience, can I ask what you think about lying and dissociation and how linked they are please?

Been discussing with a psychologist and a friend with schizotypal bi-polar diagnosis and also my therapist and am v. interested in this.

MamaMaiasaura · 11/05/2007 10:25

Firstly, I dont think this little 7 year old boy was 'lying' or disassociating', he is a child, like many, with a good imangination.

In terms of personality disroders (which are still debatle in terms of a definied mental illness due to their treatablity). Lying I personally would see as a deliberate attempt to with hold the truth. Dissassiosation is when one does not deliberately lie through thought process and actually does not have the same balance of what is real as those around him. Often seen in multiple personality disorders and also questionabley seen in borderline personality types - altho there is some conterversy surronding this. Having worked with people with BPD it is often very hard for staff as there is alot of manipulation and team splitting.

Original poster

bouncy · 11/05/2007 13:42

I been thinking about this most of the day, and the more I think about it the more it annoys me, but with regard to the teacher, I had to complain a few weeks ago as the teaching assistant said something to my son which really annoyed me, I really hope that this is not connected.

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