Worried about 6yo ds behaviour

[menconfuseme]

So I have a lovely little 6 year old boy who I love so so much. He has however never been an wary child and as he's getting older and stronger and wiser he is certainly not getting any easier. His behaviour is very difficult and I'm worried that there is something developmentally Wrong with him.
He is very hyper active, can't sit still and struggles to follow instructions. Instructions need to be repeated several times and I need to constantly remind him as he is distracted so easily.
His listening is really bad. At times he will not do as he is told and I can be constantly saying L come here, get down, please don't do that etc and it can be so tiring. Yesterday was particularly bad and he would not do anything I wanted him to so almost every request had to be following by a warning of a consequence.
He can be really rude. Shouting at me, answering back, pulling faces, arguing.
Lately he has started to have very anger outbursts. This usually happens when he can't get his own way and I won't back down. He will shout and yell at me, tell me he hates me, tell me he doesn't love me and try to hurt me. It can be difficult to get him out of the outburst. When he does come out of it he is uncontrollably upset telling me how sorry he is and sometimes will say things like he is stupid and that e hates himself or that I don't like him. This just breaks my heart.
In finding it really hard to deal with. I do stay calm with him and don't tend to shout. I'm consistent in explaining to him the behaviour I expect and why. We do reward charts where he gets rewards and consequences. This does help but sometimes even though he knows the consequence (I always give 2 warnings first) he will still go ahead.
He's an August child so is the youngest in his class and he is struggling in school. He can't concentrate and sit still or conform to the expectations of year 2 children.
I just wanted some reassurance really or to speak with people who are going through the same or have come out the other side? What has worked the best?

I don't have really any advice sorry, but what you've described is almost my 4 DS to a T. At a recent parent's evening, his teacher described him as 'brilliant at seeking avoidance' when asked to do anything, and getting ready to go/do anything is a nightmare for me. He's always in his own world and will procrastinate/ignore everything (then kick off because I've had to shout!). He is also an August child and is slightly behind at school. Unlike yours though, he is a wary child and is overly sensitive - almighty strops and breaks down over the slightest thing, but the bigger he gets the more destructive he's getting.
After the parent's evening the teacher had the SENCO call me and she has advised me to complete an early assessment form. There have been mentions of adhd but I am reluctant as I think it's an easy conclusion to jump on. I'm exhausted with his behaviour most days and feel like I'm failing (especially when DM tells me I have no patience with him ). It's very frustrating when all you seem to do is repeat yourself and get nothing back every single day.
We've always had a behaviour chart but recently changed it up so he gets 'points' for doing things throughout the day i.e. sticker for if he gets ready on time in the morning, if he gets his PJs on when asked etc... it's only been a few weeks but it is helping to have more specific goals throughout the day for him. I'm also waiting on an egg timer/plain clock I plan to decorate to try and help with his time management.
Are you with his father? I split with my ex when my son was very young but we've co-parented ok. I have found though the slightest disruption to his routine (such as missing an evening with dad) makes his behaviour worse, and as much as a good father he is, he's not the most supportive to me if DS has been in trouble (he's very much the 'fun parent' and apparently doesn't have the issues I have, but weekends are much easier than the weekdays to work with ).

Thanks for that. It's reassuring to know other people are in the same boat. No I'm not with his father. I doubt he has the same experiences as me because of the short periods of time that he has him. This holiday has been a hard one. We tend to go alternate days with and without melt downs.
I'm really surprised that school haven't suggested further assessment of him. I think thy just put everything down to his young age. I think academically that is to blame but also think there is something else although really would never admit that to anyone!! My parents are coming at the weekend. I'm so so worried that ds will behave difficultly. I feel like a failure and my dad's reactions just don't help. I worry about what people think all the time. I'm in a new relationship with a great guy. He's really patient with my son and doesn't seem to judge but I do worry what he is thinks too.

Perhaps he's reacting to the new relationship if it's a recent thing? Assuming this is the guy you've been with a few months but split up with for a while. Kids find this stuff hard to deal with.

Yes it's the same guy but my son never met him before we split up so he was none the wiser. This time round he's known him 4 months now. He's never been easy so in some was I think the issues have always been there but the recent stuff (mega tantrums) has been in the last month so I don't think it is to do with the new relationship.

He doesn’t sound very different to my year 1 (still 5) DS. I don’t have any concerns (although I’d love him to respond first time more often!).
I still use the ‘1,2,3 Magic’ strategies I used with him and DD as toddlers to keep me calm and to remove the emotion/ fight out of it. (The book is quite good). I find that all the episodes you mention in your OP happen, but they are short lived and he veers from one emotion to another throughout the day. I just try to take him as he comes.
He’s very cuddly and adorable, and needs lots of reassurance. Quite anxious, although others don’t notice this, and quiet at school.

I’ve never posted before but reading your post menconfuseme I felt I could have been reading about my own son. His school are referring him to behaviour teams ed psychologist the lot as they think he has autism. I think he has some traits. I have to say although I didn’t welcome it at first school have been great. The problem now is his behaviour dips at home. It only seems like it’s for me as he’s fine for his dad (we’re still together) I feel your pain I really do. We’re having a week of awful behaviour at bedtime and I’m knackered from it and at my wits end.
Don’t have much advice but wonder if it’s worth speaking to school to see if they can support with anything. Good luck and thank you for sharing I don’t feel as alone! Xx

It's really hard to deal with kids having an attitude like that. Behavior problem indeed. We experience the same thing and it's really heart-breaking as a parent.

Maybe he is influenced by the movie he watches. My son also needs to be instructed several times and I was very concerned about him. A friend of mine says maybe he is influenced by the cartoons or movie he usually watch and yeah she's right! So I limit my son to watch those movie which might get him to do unnecessary things.

Vickyg81 thanks for your post. Although he has some difficulties in school they don't seem concerned and don't seem to put it down to anything more than him being immature and the youngest in the year. He's my only child so i struggle to see whether he is different or not but in my heart I do think he is and he does seem way way behind other things his age; emotionally, socially, behaviourally, educationally, with speech, his understanding and with things like dressing but is fantastic at physical things like climbing and riding a bike. I really worry for his future 🙁.

Hi menconfuseme,
I have nothing really to add except I am going through similar with my ds who is 5.
His position on most things is no. Every simple activity is a struggle. He doesn't want to get dressed, doesn't want to go to school, will only eat dinner if he can have ketchup, will only wear a coat if it's a different one to the one I give him. Everything seems to be a battle.
He is doing well academically but takes part in less than half of school activities daily. He refuses to take part or engage in most. His teacher is good but struggles with him I would say. The school want him assessed so we are beginning the process.
He has no attachment to anything so punishments do not work. He will show remorse but only if he thinks he is going to get something in return.
He is very angry and will lash out kick and scream if things are not going his way.
It is difficult to go for a day trip or on holidays as he will kick off. My older children say he is ruining their lives. I have tried telling them he will grow out of it but they would just like do stuff without him.
I have tried talking to him, reward charts, extra treats (like books, splashing in the river, etc) for good behaviour but it doesn't really work. He is getting worse as he gets older and I do know how I am going to get home through school.
Any advice anyone can offer?

Just reading my post bad and it sounds terribly negative.
Just want to add that much as I don't like his behaviour, I do love him. And when he us behaving he is the sweetest funniest child. It's just there are long windows between these instances.

Dear Gallunach,

Sorry you are going through this. Just wanted to say, if your DS is going through assessments then it is extra hard to do effective discipline because it's very hard to know what he is doing on purpose and what he just can't help doing. Once the assessments are done and you know what his issues are things should start to get a bit easier. In the meantime it can help if you avoid fighting with him over anything that isn't totally essential, it's OK to let a lot of ordinary things go just to keep him as calm as possible, if it doesn't really matter what coat he wears etc.

And it might be useful to look at Ross Grene's Explosive Child book and Lives in the Balance website, they don't depend on any diagnosis, they're good for children who don't respond to rewards and punishments, and I found the book especially helpful while we were waiting for assessments for my own DS (who sounds a bit similar and turned out to have an autism-spectrum condition)

Thank you Kleinzeit,
I will get a copy of that book to read. I could do with all the help possible.
The assessments will take quite a while and the school are struggling as are we at home. Anything that might help us all is welcome. I let a lot of things go to avoid flare ups but that causes issues with my other children as they see that he has easier or less rules so I try to be as fair as possible.
Do you think things have improved for your ds now that you can put a name on what makes him behave the way he does? I know I can't change my ds but I want to ensure he can get through day to day life with the minimum of stress to himself and those around him. I would do anything if I thought it would help.