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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Daddy complex - ds won't be comforted by me

8 replies

Mumpbump · 10/05/2007 10:34

Over the last few months, ds has become increasingly daddy focused, rather than mummy focused which is not a problem in itself. However, it means that when he is upset, I am completely unable to comfort him and, of course, it is upsetting to see him in distress and be unable to do anything about it. Dh is also finding it quite trying as ds wants to be cuddled by him when he's trying to get ready for work in the morning and put to bed by him.

I think this is probably quite common, but I was wondering if anyone had any tips on how to persuade ds than his mummy is an acceptable alternative or whether this is a phase we just have to sit out.

Thanks in advance...

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fluffyanimal · 10/05/2007 10:41

How old is he?

How do your parenting roles divide? Do you do all the "chores" like feeding, nappy changing or toilet training, are you the one that gets strict with him and says No to things, or does Daddy do any of that too? Do you get much one-on-one play time with your ds? Who puts him to bed and does sleepy cuddle and story time?

It may help to make sure that the roles are completely intermingled so that no parent does all the tedious stuff. You may need more bonding time with ds. Also, it might help for DH to make a big show of cuddling you and paying you attention, to help focus your ds's attention back on you.

Just trying to roughly paraphrase things I've seen on Tanya Byron, don't have much experience really. My ds is also a big daddy fan - would rather play with daddy than me, but he is happy for either of us to cuddle/comfort him.

Gingermonkey · 10/05/2007 10:44

how old is he? My DS is much the same, he's 19mths, but when daddy is not around he is ok (but when I ask him if he loves mama he shakes his head and says daddy!). He'll get over it, just leave him to it (that's what I am hoping anyway!). TBH my DD (8) is a daddy's girl too but wants me when she has hurt herself. I think all children tend to lean towards one parent more than the other, but it is upsetting when they first start with the behaviour you are describing. I would try not to make a big deal of it, let him cry and stamp his feet (or wave them around if he is a baby!), and let him come to you when he wants to. If he is really upset or hurt he will. And make sure you and DH share things, like bathtime and feeding, playing boys games etc - so nothing is totally just him and DH, that may make it a bit easier too.

Gingermonkey · 10/05/2007 10:45

cross posts there - great minds thinking alike!!!

Original poster

Mumpbump · 10/05/2007 11:10

Ds is 15 months. I probably tend to do the day-to-day stuff with him and dh tends to play more with him. I hadn't really thought about it before. Will suggest to dh that we mix it up a bit more. He is fine with me if dh isn't around, but it was awful this morning when he was crawling (he can walk very well!) away from me in distress to look for dh. He just looked so small and pathetic...

OP posts:

herbiemom · 10/05/2007 12:09

DS1 went through this stage at that age - lasted a few months and I hated it. I actually blamed it on the fact that me and DP completely share all 'duties' as we both work part-time and spend an equal amount of time with the LOs. I thought DS1 should still be firmly bonded to mummy at this age and got quite resentful towards DP since the arrangement had been his idea.

Anyway, DS1 is now 3.11 and such a mummy's boy - barely acknowledges DP if I'm around.

I think at this young age they do have one person that they are particularly 'attached' to and this can and does change.

pudding77 · 10/05/2007 12:10

mumpbump, I'm in the same boat as you. My ds is the same age and also went through a stage of preferring daddy. I think it started when ds realised that when daddy left in the morning he didn't come back until the evening and so had a bit of separation anxiety with him. However recently, I've come back into favour again!

I think I did read somewhere that children do change which parent they want more so I'm sure that he will want you more again soon!

In the meantime, the other advice is great, just mix up some of the jobs etc, maybe on the weekend?

Gingermonkey · 10/05/2007 15:34

I went for lunch with some girlfriends today and my niece (who's 16mths). Ds was happy as anything, until Daddy popped in to say hello, then he had a screaming fit when Daddy left. He looked like his heart had been broken . 10 mins later he was fine again! When saying bye bye in the morning we wave at the window and I try to get really excited about it, going 'yeah, bye bye Daddy,...now lets have some fun' and then spend the next few minutes playing football or watching a bit of tv with him. He seems much better and soon forgets he's just been abandoned

fridayschild · 10/05/2007 17:39

DS1 has ALWAYS preferred his daddy and he's 4 now. When I was on maternity leave with him I put it down to just being ready for some other company, but now I work FT it's not changed much! He has got better, if he helps DH around the place for an hour or so at the weekend, he's ready to hang out with me after that. If you can bear it, give it time and keep being a lovely mummy.

DS2, now, that's another story!

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