Is this normal

[1981m]

My 5 yo ds has been a spirited child and very hard work. I feel like it's really affecting our relationship now. I feel bad saying it but I don't enjoy spending time with him anymore.
I know it's bad but I have started comparing him too dd who's 3.

He's so defiant, rude and has an answer for everything. He just argues, and argues about everything. Needs to be asked multiple times to do anything. He speaks disrespectfully to me and repeats what I say in a rude voice. I find myself going round in circles with techniques on how to manage his behaviour and constantly worry I am being too hard or too soft with him. It's got to the point where I feel like I am just ranting at him and getting into an argument with a 5 yo.

I don't think he's normal and he's brought me to tears tonight. I wonder if I should take him to a professional.

1. he doesn't care about any consequences. We ve done thinking step,no iPad/tv, bed early, missing cinema/sports club he likes, toys taken away, bed early, no pudding, no story. He just repeats the same behaviour the following day.

2. we ve done star charts, these can work for a period of time and he can be very motivated by praise. But they are on and off. I used these a lot when he was 3-5 with mixed success. However, now they seem to have made a rod for my own back as he says he ll only be good if he gets x, y and z, which I don't give into. But now he's 5 I feel he should be good to be good without an endless amount of treats needed and bribery needed to achieve this.

3. he tells me the only consequence he cares about is if I shout. Which makes him cry and then he's good for a period. I don't want to have to shout to get him to be good.

4. try and use positive reinforcement. I talk about right/wrong choices, rather than labelling naughty/ good. I try to tell him
   What I want him to do and praise him for doing the right thing. It's exhausting. This works for a period and then doesn't.

5. I try and say dd is doing x, y, z nicely etc this works sometimes and he obviously is effected by this as he always says I am also doing x,y,z nicely too even when he's not! But he then just carries on with the bad behaviour later or the following day.

6. he says he ll be good if I buy him something or if he only has to do what he wants to do. If he's voted for a moment he immediately starts whining.

I ve ran out of ideas with him and can't help blaming myself. I feel like techniques in the past have made things worse and having a 2 year age gap is the reason he's like this. I feel like he'd be a different boy if I hadn't had dd as he was so lovely before that.

Number 4 is exhausting but so necessary. It was hard for me to get into the habit of praising because I wasn’t used to it but it does help and if you do it enough, it becomes a habit and then you won’t even notice you’re doing it.

Please don’t do number 5. My “D”M has constantly compared me to my sibling and usually in an unfavourable way. It totally wrecked my tedlationshio with my DM and my sibling for a long time.

Hace a read of Divas & Dictators for some ideas on moving forward. You can download a free sample from Amazon to see if you like it before you decide to buy

Also, is he getting plenty of exercise? This helped my DS’ behaviour no end

I really try with the positive and he has the sticker charts etc but sometimes he literally doesn't care if he gets them or not at times. He will revert straight back to bad behaviour straight after. It's like he can't help himself. He would loose stars and just say well I will get some for doing this instead anyway.

Last night he made me cry. I had literally just praised him for sitting nicely in the restaurant and taking a photo with me. I said he could have a pudding for being good as long as he stops saying silly/rude words. He looks me straight in the eye and instantly says these words one after another. I am forced to take him out the restaurant screaming. He then tells me he doesn't care because he gets to go to bed early (I think he was tired) so according to him no consequences

Had he been at school 1981 and what time did you eat out?

We re in holiday right now so it's a bit different so out of routine. So no school and I think he was tired. He went immediately to sleep when I put him to bed before dd went to bed.

But this is always his behaviour even at home. We just happen to be somewhere hot!

For the positive side of things you need to ensure you're using the right language. Eg, instead of telling him to stop doing something you need to state what you want him to do. So if he's shouting in a restaurant you need to say that in restaurants we talk quietly. Or with the silly words he is saying, say "we don't say those words in a restaurant".

The behaviour could be attention seeking - how much time does he have 1 on 1 with you? Just doing simple things like playing?

He could have undiagnosed SEN, and it may be worth a trip to GP to discuss, or ask the SENCO at school what they have noticed.

This sounds just like my son who is 6. It's very hard work isn't it.

Tbh the situation in the restaurant was psychologically a bit difficult. There he is, behaving well, and you go and remind him that he usually behaves badly and will be punished if he does. Was that really necessary? I mean, if I made an effort with something and got it right, I wouldn't really want someone to immediately draw attention to how often I got things wrong.

To me, he sounds like he could be a rather anxious child and that if you draw attention to his potential to behave badly he might feel compelled to do so straightaway because he is nervous about not being good enough. It's like poking at a scab, testing if the hot plate is hot. My son was very much like that. If I'd reminded him that he found it difficult not to say rude words, he'd have got so nervous that he had to say them straightaway because the strain of not doing it was simply too great.

Much easier to manage if I didn't go on about his previous bad behaviour- and immensely easier to manage if I didn't get emotional. Humour was very good. Brisk cheerful no-nonsense, and a laugh whenever we could manage it.

He has grown up into a very reasonable teenager, so I don't think I have spoilt him; we have insisted on good behaviour and have generally got it. But he needed very different handling from his sister.

Thanks Corey that's very interesting and good advice. I think you're right, unfortunately I think I have perhaps made the mistake of putting pressure on him to be good. He's said to me often that he can't be good all the time. He's very defiant so as soon as say anything about being good he immediately says he's going to be 'bad' I try not to label behaviour but words slip out sometimes. The same with not saying silly words and speaking respectfully. I will definitely try your suggestion. I think i have got in the habit of mentioning it a lot.

I try to not get emotional but he argues Black is white. I think he likes arguing.