Persistently naughty 7 year old, what to do?

[pinkpeter]

I am at my wits ends with my ds who has just turned 7. It seems i have been saying he is going through a naughty phase since he was 3 and he has never got any better. He does have his good times and isn't naughty ALL the time, but it is sooo draining and i am at my wits end as to what to do with him. He is not ridiculously naughty like you see on tv, he is not hitting me or throwing things or drawing on walls, he just never does what he is told until he is told numerous times, he is rude, answers back all the time and some days I am literally telling him off every five minutes.

Sit down nicely at the table, don't snatch, don't shout, eat nicely, don't be rude, don't say nasty things, if you cant behave you cant eat with us etc etc. I follow through on "threats", i don't just say them and not do them...it is just constant though. He has been naughty at school too, and disruptive in Sunday school, but is mostly the worst at home.

I have tried reward charts, ignoring bad behaviour and praising good (which worked for a while), getting a present at the end of a good week, taking away his sports club when he is too naughty, but i feel like his whole day is me telling him off and him being annoying.

My dh just shouts at him, and wants to spank him. I really dont want him smacked but i have occasionally smacked him but i dont really want to go down this route, but the naughty step, taking away toys, even throwing away toys, ignoring, getting sent to his room and other things like that just do not change him. I don't know where to go for help with a 7 year old.

Can anyone help please? I feel like his bad attitude just affects his and my whole day and it is not nice for either of us.

Rather than saying, 'don't do that', explain why the behaviour is not right/upsetting/etc. For example, rather than the 'if you don't behave you can't eat with us', explain all the time whilst he is misbehaving why it is better to sit still, and praise every time he is sitting still and illustrate why it is better. Show how good behaviour helps everyone. It makes the kid hear a different message. For example, if you want toys tidied, don't scream at the mess, but say, right let's tidy this otherwise we will lose things/break things/trip on things, then they will be ready for next time. I'm not one for material rewards, or punishment by stopping things happening. The reward for the kid should be a calmer environment and a happier family. If my kids had done something wrong, I just said ' that's not helpful, it would have been more helpful if you had sat still, done your homework, got your coat and shoes on when I asked etc. Then praise when they have been 'helpful' ie expected behaviour.

Thanks you. I have done praising the good behaviour. The bad behaviour just continues. I've just asked him to wash his face and clean his teeth. Took three requests , then shouting, then him calling me mean and saying he doesn't care about it before it gets done. ....

Know this isn't a juicy topic, but where can I get help? I just don't know how to to deal with him anymore.

What's he like at school? Does he behave well if someone else is looking after him?
Does he eat and sleep well?
Does he have any siblings?

My daughter is much less naughty when she is on a gluten free diet - have you explored food intolerances and reactions? She didn't have any physical symptoms but wouldn't listen and went out of her way to do the opposite of what anyone wanted before she went gluten free.

She also can't handle too much screen time - again that impacts her behaviour.

The key to managing behaviour is understanding the reason behind it.

You need to note carefully whether this happens more of less at certain times of day, when he's tired or hungry, whether it's linked to being at school, whether it is better when the routine is more structured, if it is linked to tensions in the house, etc. Think of every variable you can and try to pinpoint any one thing that may be making him feel stressed, anxious, irritable, insecure or ignored.

It's a tall order but spotting a pattern could be the key to solving this issue.

please please read the book playful parenting by lawrence cohen. It totally and utterly transformed my parenting and the behavior of my kids which was much like you describe your DS/s

Sounds like you are in a real conflict zone with him

A pattern has developed, lots of negativity

Agree with the suggestions above

Can you spend some focussed one to one time with him to do sth nice on his terms. No phones no distractions. Twenty mins per day

Also - gratitude session chatting about what we are thankful for each evening

Too tired? Too much screen time? Common triggers

Thanks for those ideas. I do try one on one time with him. If he's in the mood for it he's great.
I can't see any triggers as it happens as soon as he is asked to do something no matter what the time of day?

If he's having problems doing things when you ask, could you have a gradual countdown. So "DS, in 2mins you will need to stop playing and clean your teeth". Then "DS, in 1min it will be brushing teeth time". Then do a countdown from 10 to 1. You can get visual timers (like a sand timer) so he can see how much time is left.

For other behaviour I would sit down with him at a calm time and agree with him what behaviour he needs to show when eating at the table. Agree with him a reward when he does this. If you can both draw and colour in the rules it will make him feel involved in it too.

If he is struggling to sit for too long at the dinner table, you can use the time so he can see how long he needs to sit there for. You can chat with him about his day, ask what the best bit was at school, keeping it a positive experience.

I currently have a 7 year old that sounds very similar to the situation you were in. I was wondering if you had any advice on the subject that helped you please

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